To Keep You Here
by Jazyrha
Summary: It's the only thing that can keep you here with me... So who am I to tell you that I don't want this and that it hurts? I won't tell you, because my lie keeps you here. [HikaruxKaoru. Kao's POV. Please review! Completed. Yay!]
1. Like Always

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter One: Like always**

It's going to be another night like that. It' going to be another night where I have to put up a fake smile and bit my lip until it bleeds. Maybe you'll even tie me up again or stand up and grab you knife. I hope you don't. I hope you'll be satisfied by just hitting me to a pulp.

I see it in your eyes. I read it in your movements. I smell it in your words. I hear it in the way you walk up to me.

"Kaoru" you say once more.

It's going to be the only time you call my name this name.

My heart races faster of the mindless fear, that will soon pass away as you replace it with pain. My stomach feels like you already tied it up. But it's alright, don't worry, you won't see.

You never see me. You never see the pain that you don't like.

"Hikaru" I simply answer, just like I always do.

Then you walk up to me and grab my wrist. Your nails sink into my body and your grip is so tight that I can't help but think that I might die if you hold me long like this.

But you never do. You just sink your nails deep enough, until I start bleeding. Then you look one last time in my eye before you pull me to the ground, throwing me onto the ground. The next thing is your feet hitting my ribs. I fall onto my side.

The pain.

The terrible pain, flashing through my ribs, flashing through my soul. But it's okay… because it would stop hurting soon enough. It won't last long, just long enough to make it difficult for me.

You harshly pull me up again and your hand hits my cheek. Hard. So very, very hard. So very, very slow. So very, very painful.

But I don't cry. I never cry. I just stare at the wall. I fight my tears back and let you hit my face.

You shouldn't see me crying, you shouldn't see my pain.

You push me on the bed. You stand there for a while, leaving me cold on the bed. My life is slipping away again. Just like it always does. But it's okay. It's okay, because once I survive this terrible pain it wouldn't hurt anymore. Mentally, then…

I don't care if you this night you really kill me. I don't care if this night you go too far and I won't survive. I don't care that the pain I feel isn't going to fade away, like I first thought. I don't care that I was once innocent and now compeletly screwed up. I don't care if the knife you carve into my body leaves a scar. I don't care if I can't walk tomorrow because you beat me up to badly. I don't care at all anymore. I don't about anything anymore... Only about you. And that's enough.

I feel something warm dripping off my cheek. I don't move a muscle. It's blood. My blood. You hit me too hard again. And tomorrow, when we're in the Host Club, I'll tell everyone how I fell and you saved me just in time. No one has to know. No one has to notice. It's our lie. It's the lie I started to tell, so that I could protect you.

I feel your tongue sliding over my cheek. You're licking up my blood. I don't mind. I can't even think of how disgusting that is, of how wrong this is. I can't even feel sick about it. I did once, I remember. When this first started, I felt so sick and dirty all over. But the feeling stopped after the first weeks. I just learned soon enough that if I don't think about it, it will hurt less and you will stop sooner. I don't want to blame you, I don't want to beg you to stop this. I'll let you do as you please, that's what I decided from the first time you did this and the thought I'll hang onto until the last time you do this.

My blood drips on the blanket and my eyes look at the red stain.

You like my blood. You always did. That's why you hit me until I start bleeding, that's why you like my pain. You enjoy my pain, because only then you're different from me. When my eyes die and the light behind it goes out, you are not like me. You're different because I could never find the power to protest, and I'm sure you could. You're different, because I could never ever hit you until you cry, but you can and you do.

You have the power. You are the one that hits. You are the one who can do with me whatever he wants. You, only you.

You continue to kiss me. Your teeth sink into my shoulder and I quickly bit in my bottom lip, until it bleeds. Until blood is dripping of my lip. Only then you pull your teeth out of my body, to lick my blood off my lips.

You love my blood, and I love you. I really do. Even when you hurt me until I can't feel anything anymore, even if you break my heart every night again, even if it's hurt so much… I love you.

You pull off my clothing and soon yours follow.

"Kneel" you command.

And I obey, just like I always do. Step of the bed and kneel as you hop onto the edge of it. Then my hands slip on your hips. I open my mouth and close my eyes. This happened so many times before. This was no different from the barrier I already passed. The first time is the worst, then you feel sick and disgust. The first time I wanted to jump out of a window, but now it's just a habit. Just a routine, just a thing we do. You pushed me over a line and I can't step back. But it wasn't that bad, now I got used to it. It doesn't take so much time, so it will be over soon enough.

It's better if I don't look. It's better if I don't care. After some time I noticed that how sooner I obey you, the less I get hit and the less I get hit, the faster this will be over. So I just don't look and I ban all the thoughts from my head.

It's not disgusting, it's just a habit. It's not sick, it's just what you want. As my tongue touches the places you want, I keep telling myself that. It's just what you want. It's just your way to live. It's the thing you do to forget the pain; it's the thing I do to keep you here.

Soon enough you will lift up your feet and kick me in my ribs, to tell me that I can stop. Soon enough I will drift away in this sick world, so I can't even cry about it. Soon enough this will end. I just have to bear with it a little longer. It's okay, it's really okay.

The signal came harder then I expected.

I can't help it, but I scream, as the pain flashes through my body. My mouth opens and I just scream. It doesn't last long, because I immediately lift my hand up and my teeth sink deep into it. Blood falls again, but tears still don't. I stare lifeless at your face, you're not even looking back. You don't care about the fact that wounds hurt me, but that's alright, because I still care about you. I will always care about you and I won't go against your will.

Blood drips over my fingers.

You don't need to speak. You don't need to command. I just stand up again, trying to stand tall even though my ribs hurt so much when I do. I just have to pretend like I'm still okay, because you like my blood but seeing me crawl pathetic makes you furious. I never wanted anything more then fall onto the ground and crawl around, so pathetic, so weak, and scream in pain, just scream, scream, yell, shout, scream, scream! To yell your name until the night fades and for once your eyes will fill up with dry tears that don't fall. And then you'd stop what you were doing and we could continue our live.

But that would never happen. I'll never tell you how much you hurt me. I'll never scream and cry. I'll just keep silent and obey whatever you ask me too. Because that is what you want, that is what you started, that is the way I can keep you here.

I reach my hand out for you and your tongue tastes my blood. I don't look at you, because I know the look in your eyes would kill my death heart. I know my heart that was so broken would shatter in pieces again, even more.

You killed me. You killed me from the inside, you killed my heart. You destroyed my innocence, you made the purity impure. You broke my, you hurt me. You hurt me so much.

But still… It's okay… It's all okay…

You're here, with me. You're here and I'm the only one you can use like this. That is why you need me. That is why you'll never leave me. I'm the only one who allows these things. I'm the once who bleeds, who screams on just the right moments. You'll never leave me, not as long as you have this power over me. You **need **me, you **need **my weakness. That's why I accept this the way I do. I just want you here with me, I want you to stay here with me for ever. This is the only way I can assure this, so I don't mind. After all those tears I cried because I couldn't find anything good enough to keep you here, I found it.

Pain. My pain. You'll never leave me because of that mindless pain. I finally found it, so I'm never going to complain about it.

As long as I can feel pain, you'll stay here. As long as I can bring up the power to scream, you'll never leave me. As long as I can die, you'll live. As long as I can feel, you will hurt me.

My face hits the wall hard. I know you meant it to hit the bed, but it doesn't matter. I hide my face, because I know it's going to hurt now. It never stops hurting. It just keeps being so painful, when you force yourself into me. I try to forget, I try to stop myself from screaming, but it hurts, it hurts so much.

You grab my hips and your nails sink into my body. I bit my lip and close my eyes. I try to think about everything but this. You won't see it, even if you looked me into the eyes. You made me a perfect liar, you made me the greatest pretender. I can still smile at you, I can still tell you that I love you, so you won't notice my pain, unless I know you want to know. You're a complicated being, but I figured you out.

In and out, you go. Pain, painless, pain, painless. It's the rhythm that keeps going on. It's a rhythm that keeps repeating. My head touches the wall everything you go in and my teeth bit my lip stuck. But it's still alright, because now it was going to be over soon enough.

I don't think I can get killed any longer, I don't think my heart can shatter any more, but every time you do this it still does. But I think you can mend it. I'm sure that one day you will stop doing this and will feel better without destroying me. I know that one day you can make me beautiful once again.

So for now, I'll take the pain, I'll bleed, I'll scream, I'll pretend, I'll die. For you. Only for you.

You already finished. I can feel your body resting on mine. I don't feel anything, I'm just so tired. You roll off me and command me to turn off the light. I silently obey and return to you, just like I always do. I can't run from you. I don't want to run from you. I want to stay beside you, even if you hurt me. I want to love you so that one day you can love me back.

I accept this.

I truly do. If this is what you want, it's fine with me. Because we promised that to each other. If you die, I die. If you cry, I cry. If you think, I'll think the same. We were one, and even when your tearing up apart, I'll cling unto that one last string that connects us.

The pain.

The fear of being left alone.

You're sleeping next to me now, curled up cosy in the blankets, just like we used to do. I just sit next to you and stare into the darkness. I slowly stand up and as silent as I can, I walk to the bathroom, closing our bedroom door behind me. I hope I don't wake you, because then you'll start hitting again. Then you'll start shouting again that I can't do anything right. I know and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for letting you turning out this way.

I'm sorry for not stopping you. I'm sorry for accepting this. I'm sorry for still living while you told me so many times you wanted me to die.

You're sorry for being born with me on the same day, and I'm sorry for being born at all.

I whish I could make you happy like I once did. I whish you would smile and be whole once again, even if it's kills me. I whish that I could lie in your arms, without the pain, without the fea. I just want to start again. I just want to take your hand and smile for real.

Water touches my cheek and I look into the mirror. The bruises on my cheek look pretty bad. It will be visible in the morning. The print of your teeth too. But it's okay, I'll just make up a story. I don't know what I'm going to tell, I don't know what I'll say, but I'll make sure that no one knows our secret, so you can continue doing this.

I'll keep silent, so you can keep doing this. I'll keep silent, so you can continue living this way. I'll pretend a little longer, so you can hit a little harder.

I'm too scared to put a bandage around my bleeding arm… I don't even remember when you did that. You must've smashed me a little too hard onto the bed, or maybe I hit the corner of a table. Maybe it was there longer but just started bleeding again.

Empty eyes stare at the reflection in the slightly red water. They don't find a answer, they only find sorrow.

I dry my face and take a deep breath before I turn out the light and walk back.

The floor is cold. Just like you are too. Just like you've become.

I don't know when it happened, I don't know whether I could've stopped it or not. I only know this is our life. I only know this will never stop, even when I tell myself it will.

I open the door, close it again. My eyes watch you sleep.

You, my beloved brother, who became this monster.

But when you're a monster, I'll become a monster too.

I lay next to you and close my eyes. My whole body hurts and I think of things to tell tomorrow. The costumers are no problem, they'll believe anything. But Kyouya was, with his sharp mind. He always said it was impossible that such a bruise was from falling. And he knew, since he was in the medical business. He knew everything.

Haruhi was a problem too, with her remarks that things weren't the same between me and Hikaru. Haruhi is a problem, because she doesn't believe me and she doesn't want to leave it their.

Even Honey and Mori, always tell me over and over again that I can tell them. Even Tamaki knows there's something wrong.

But I won't tell them. I'll never tell them. They don't need to know. They couldn't understand. They would never understand how much I need you, how much I love you still. They wouldn't understand that if this is what you want, you could use my body and destroy my soul.

But it's okay…

Because, after all, you're still here. Next to me.

* * *

Woah... I'm a pretty sick person right? Even more sick because... THERE IS GOING TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER CHAPTER! Omfg, that's so screwed up. Oh well, I think many would disagree with me on this, but I can really see this happening. I'm sorry for not going into such a detail and more Kaoru's feelings. I'm only fourteen -That's even worse, ne?- and I'm not going into a great detail. Heheh, I'm sorry. 

So, for those who don't really get it. Some time ago, Hikaru started with abusing his younger brother. However, Kaoru never even tried to struggle -Please let that be CLEAR- Hikaru is now beating up his twing and uhm... oh, you get the picture. I personally love the ending, and I hope I made clear in my story that even when it hurt him to death, Kaoru uses this also as a thing to assure him that Hikaru won't leave him. This has nothing to do with Haruhi in practicular, but just in general that he doesn't want to lose his twin.

Oh, before I forget -I actually did, but I'm correcting it now XD- If this has to be rated M for implying -and a little bit discribing- Hikaru raping his little brother -or for just saying 'rape' ... twice ... XD- please, please tell me! I don't want my story to be removed because of a rating! If I schocked you because of the wrong rating I** AM SO TERRIBLY, AWFULLY SORRY!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR SCARRING YOU INNOCENT MIND!!! **

**Please do not sue me XD or tell to remove my story. Just tell me that it needs to be changed, okay? I'll love you for ever and erase your memory XD**

I hope I kept writing in the Present Simple -because I ALWAYS write in the Past Simple- and I just hope I didn't switch without noticing it. If I did, please tell me.

So, tell me what you think and I hope you'll stick with me for the next chapter! Reviews are really, really appreciated -even more then fav's, however that is nice too-

Well then, I'll continue my screwed up life XD and I'll write you another full-of-angst-and-pain-and-screwed-up-things-chapter! If you have any ideas, please share them with me! -Maybe I don't have to feel so sick about myself anymore? XD-

Weeh, I'm really a baaaaaaaaaaaad person for doing this to our beloved Kao-chan!


	2. Promise

**Chapter Two: Promise**

I don't think I slept at all. Maybe I just fell in some kind of weird unconsciousness, the kind between a sleep and a problem. Or maybe I did sleep, but I can't remember. It doesn't really matter anyway.

You're awake, but I don't move. I'm afraid that if I move too soon, you will get annoyed with me and kick me out of the bed. And then I'll get hurt even worse.

I didn't move a single muscle as you sat up.

"Kaoru?" you ask, but I don't give an answer, "don't sleep to long, okay? I don't want to be late for school. I'll see you downstairs."

And with those words, you stand up. My eyes follow your movements, without you knowing that I am watching you. I'll wait until you're out of our room and I hear your footsteps going off the stairs.

You suddenly stop and you stare at the mirror. It's a large, almost outrageous thing that our mom placed in our room. 'To remember how cute you are' she laughed that day. I couldn't laugh about it. I don't want to laugh about it. Because sometimes, when you were hitting me, I could see it in the mirror. I could see every blow before it hit me, and it made me afraid. So deathly afraid.

"You're so pathetic" you suddenly mutter as you walk to our bed.

Damn, you must've seen I'm not really sleeping and now you're angry at me. I just hope that you won't hit me again. But you didn't do anything. You just refuse to look at me and grab the blanket.

"Tell mom I want that mirror **out **of the room and I want that **today**. **Got that?**" he says, his voice dangerous with malice.

He knows that I'm not sleeping, but he knows he can't hurt me, because I pretend I do. He knows that only in this game, I'm the winner. He knows that he just doesn't care enough about me to think it's abnormal. But, then again, everything about us is abnormal.

As you walk pass the mirror you throw the blanket over the mirror, completely covering it. I wonder what it is that you don't wanna see. Is it me? Is it the way I lay on the bed? Is it the way I'm trying to hide my face in my arms and cover my bruises? Or is it just that you can't look at my face, because you're so sick of me?

That must be it. You must be tired living with such a coward as me. And like that isn't enough, people always confuse you with me. That must hurt, I'm sure it does. Maybe that's why you started to abuse my face so much, because then they'll always know.

The bruised one is Kaoru. The one who's walking funny today again is Kaoru. The one with the plaster on his cheek is Kaoru. The one that is always fine is Hikaru. Since years we weren't able to play our game, the 'which one is Hikaru' game, because now everyone knows.

The one that looks like he's being beaten up everyday, yes, that one is Kaoru.

They won't confuse us now, Hikaru. You've made damn sure they won't anymore.

You're finally gone and I hear your footsteps going off the stairs. I wait another minute, just to make sure, and then I get up, too. I walk slowly to the bathroom and brush my hair. It's okay to bandage my arm now, and I clumsily do so. My whole body hurts, but I'm already used to that. My ribs still hurt like hell, and I lean forward. I close my eyes and try to breathe calmly and steadily, but it continues hurting. Maybe you've broken it. I really hope you didn't, because then mom will send me to a doctor as it gets worse, and then I have to lie. Maybe he'll even find out.

I finally catch my breath and walk to the place you left my clothes yesterday. I quickly inspect it, to make sure there are no stains of blood. How am I going to explain it if that happened? What am I going to say to Kyouya, or even Tamaki? I don't want to lie to them. I don't want to, because they've become my friends.

I walk off the stairs as normally and straight as I can, but it hurts. My ribs hurt so much, and every time I make one wrong gesture it's like I can't breath and I'm going to suffocate.

You're waiting for me, but you don't even look back to me. You don't even look back, like you always do, and say good morning to me, like you always do. You always did that, as if there hasn't happened anything the night before.

But this time you don't. You just push the door open and walk outside, without even looking at me.

"Hikaru!" I cal out. I start to run after you until I've caught up with you.

Oh God, it hurts so much. Breathing hurts so much. But I couldn't let you see that, so I just give you a small smile.

"Just shut up and get in the car, idiot" you say, throwing me in the car.

You've never reacted like this. Maybe you're just mad at me, because I've pretended to sleep. I didn't want to make you angry.

"I'm sorry…" I whisper, not knowing exactly what I was apologizing for.

"I told you to shut up!" you scream and your hand flies in the sky.

I stare at you, but I don't look scared. I am, though. I'm deathly afraid that you might hit me when someone else is looking. It's not like our driver would ever tell someone else, but it's just that I'm so ashamed of being hit when others look. If no one's looking, I don't really care. If it's just you and me, I guess I'm okay with it. But I really wish that you don't hit me when others are there.

Because then they would be mad at you, Hikaru. Then they would blame you.

Then they would separate us, for 'our own good'. Like they know anything about 'my own good.' They're just stupid, because they'll never understand us.

But you don't hit, your hand just balances there, between the roof of the car and my face. You just stare at the ground. You haven't looked at me. You haven't given me one look.

And that hurts. More than my ribs, my arm or my whole body.

"Please look at me" I whisper as I try to sound calm and controlled.

You look up a little, but still not at my face.

"I don't want to," you simply say.

"Ah… Then I'm sorry for asking" I reply, without a single trace of pain in my voice, even when I feel my heart being tear apart, slowly, but surely.

"Of course you are" your voice was laced with so much hate, that it scares me, "that's why you're so pathetic."

I almost want to apologize again, but I don't. I know it will only make you angrier. You'll just lose your nerve and hit me for real.

Your words repeat in my head.

I wonder how we've become like this. There was a time when we just loved each other, without problems, without this pain. We just were together and nothing could come between us. And now we're so close to falling down and apart. Now we have to kill ourselves so the other can live.

And that just never stops hurting.

It just keeps sucking the life out of me. It just kills me over and over again, and again, and **again. **There is no end to the road we're walking on. But I'll follow you, Hikaru, I'll follow you down this road of self-destruction. And when they'll ask me how I am today, I'll tell them I'm just fine.

The car stops, we're at school. You immediately step out of the car and I have to hurry to catch up with you. In my hurry, I make a wrong movement and my ribs hurt so much that I almost let out a scream. But I didn't, I never do, and I'm certainly not going to start with it now.

"Hikaru!" I say one more time and you stand still.

"Hurry up," you sigh, annoyed. "I don't want to be late."

You didn't use to care. You used to care only about me. I didn't say anything back and sped up a little more. Suddenly you grab my hand. Even that hurts, because you hold me so firm and strong that I think my blood circulation would stop and my hand would fall off or something. But I pretend like I'm okay. I just smile at you and at anyone who crosses our path. You don't even look at me. Normally you act normal at school, like we used to. That's why I've become to love school in an almost obsessive way. I love the Host Club even more, because only there you will actually say something nice to me again.

Even though, the look in your eyes is starting to scare me. One day, you were almost crying, but when I asked you about why you've beaten me up like you've never had before, that probably was the most painful moment of my life. You said you just wanted me to die, and you threatened to kill me as you tied me up to the bed. Then you grabbed your knife, that special, golden knife you once got a birthday present because we were all into the Middle Age back then. And then you walked to me, carving into my flesh like it was paper. You've never hurt me like you did back then.

Sadness, sorrow, almost disgust and fear is what I see when I look into your eyes when we're at the Host Club, when you hold me close. I think it's because I'm so pathetic, because I'm such an idiot. I can't help it, I really try to be perfect, you know.

"Hey, Hikaru-kun, Kaoru-kun," I hear a voice greeting.

"Hey Haruhi," Hikaru says.

I just smile at her, because speaking hurts my ribs.

"Woah!" Haruhi looks so surprised and worried, as she looks at me. "What happened to your face?"

"Oh" I shrug, "I just tripped and fell on the ground."

The fake smile comes upon my face again: "but Hikaru saved me just in time. So, it's not really bad."

Haruhi looks at me, and something in her eyes tells me that she just doesn't believe me. It's convincing, right? Okay, I **do **use that excuse a lot… almost every week once or even twice. It all depends on what happens to you and how I react.

"I see" Haruhi answers and I'm thankful as she changes the subject: "I hope Tamaki-senpai doesn't have any weird idea for us at the Host club..."

"I heard it was something tropical again. Hawaii, or something" Hikaru answered as he walked to his place, Haruhi sitting on hers.

I just followed, without really paying attention. The only thought that strokes me was how I was going to hide the bruises and the cuts if I had to walk around half naked.

"Tropical, again?" I ask, just to be sure.

"Hm, I don't for sure" Haruhi answers.

**Haruhi**… Hikaru can't even answer me anymore. I look at my desk, without saying anything.

"I thought it was the Police theme" Haruhi says then.

"Ah, can be true… Ah, yes, yes, today was the Police Theme. Tropical was just an idea, but Kyouya, well, he didn't like it so we didn't do it."

Haruhi laughs.

"Beware of the Shadow King!"

I remember that I used to laugh with that, completely in sync with Hikaru. I remember that I used to like Haruhi. But now I don't laugh anymore… and I don't like Haruhi anymore, either.

I don't like anything, anymore. And I only laugh because people expect me to laugh. But nothing's real anymore. You've destroyed my reality, but don't worry… I don't blame you.

Our teacher walks in and starts talking. I used to listen pretty carefully, even though it always seemed so boring, but now I don't listen at all, anymore. All I think about is how I'm going to hide the bruises, the cuts and the pain you've done to me. No one can know, no one can notice. They can't, because then they'll separate us. Then he'll kill me for sure.

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying, Hitachiin?" the teacher asks.

She always calls us by our last name, because she's just like everyone else and she can't tell us apart. But I think she's talking to me, so I look up and the look in her eyes tells me she was indeed talking to me.

"To be honest, no" I answer like I don't care. "Should I pretend I do?"

"You could try" she answers dryly. "Please continue from where I've left off."

I sigh. I already said I wasn't paying attention, so I don't get why she has to put me through the humiliation of not knowing where she left off. Usually Hikaru would write down on a paper where I had to start reading and carefully show me, but now he doesn't move at all. But that's okay, too, because I'm already used to being left behind.

This time it's Haruhi who helps me.

"Page sixty, third paragraph" she whispers.

I smile thankfully at her and start reading. I'm not really following what I'm saying, but it doesn't matter. I'll study a little harder at home… If Hikaru lets me, that is. I've noticed that he doesn't like it when I'm paying attention to something beside him. Whether it's a book, a human being, the TV, or even class, it doesn't matter. He just doesn't like it, so I don't do it.

After the teacher tells me to sit down again, I try to pay as much attention as much as I can, but it's really hard when my head pounded from being smashed against the wall yesterday, when breathing is so difficult and when you feel so sick. So damn sick. I feel like I'm going to bend over and start vomiting any second now.

I quickly raise my hand, but before the teacher even asks, I stand up and run out of the class. As I slam the door shut behind me, I can hear her ask what's wrong, and this time it's Hikaru who answers.

"He wasn't feeling really well, today… Should I go check?"

I can't hear the answer anymore because I'm already too far away. The hand for my mouth feels warm and the world turns more then I thought it could. Finally, I see the bathroom. With half closed eyes I lean over the toilet and throw up.

My ribs burn while I watch how my breakfast disappears in the toilet.

"… Are you… okay?" I hear a familiar voice asking.

I wonder how you can even ask that, while I'm so miserably on my knees, my hands clenched around the white stone and my eyes full of tears. I can only nod, because speaking will only cause me to puke again.

You slowly walk to me as you kneel beside me and place your arms around my shoulder.

"I'm… fine…" I can finally get myself to speak as I slowly back down and look at you.

You still avoid my eyes.

"I told them you were sick" you say, like there isn't anything else you should say.

"Ah, okay" I just answer. "I'm better now… I'll just get back to class."

"Kaoru…" you whisper, and if I didn't know better, I would've said that I've heard some kind of regret in your voice.

Regret? No, I don't believe you'll regret my state. I hope you don't. Oh, please, please don't feel sorry for me.

"I'm really okay," I say and I go through your red hair.

"That's good" you answer, as you stand up and reach your hand out for me.

Sometimes I think that you'll regret everything, sometimes I don't believe that you'll regret anything. This painful confusion is maybe even worse then the times you've abused me.

If you hate me, then I could maybe start to hate you, too.

If you love me, then everything is alright because I love you, too.

But if you can't decide, it's killing me.

I slowly take your hand and you pull me up. My ribs hurt, and it's like I'm going to suffocate. Only for a second, the pain is visible on my face, but you saw it. Your eyes widen and you ask, worried, "Kaoru, what's wrong?!"

"N-Nothing" I can't tell you it's because you hit me, right? I'm sure you'll be angry then, and this moment will be ruined.

I want to keep these moments as long as possible, because now I can almost believe there is nothing wrong and everything is like it's used to be.

"Don't lie," you reply, your voice sharp.

"I… fell this morning against the banisters… and now my ribs hurt a little" I explain.

"Don't lie!" you say, and you hit my face. But this time it isn't very hard.

Then what do I have to say? That it's your fault? That it hurts like hell and I think I might die from it? I don't believe that's a good idea. I don't think you will smile and apologize.

"Why don't you just say it, Kaoru? Just the truth, just like it is." You don't even sound sad.

"It's because you hit me in my ribs yesterday," I whisper, defeated again.

I can't win against you. You'll always win. You just have to look at me, hit me, say my name once more and I'll give up. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm not meant to win. I'm made for losing.

You keep silent for a while. For so long that I want to run away and never come back. You must hate me now for sure. I'm actually **waiting **for you to shout and punch me until I fall on the ground. Everything is better than this waiting for the storm, the silence I don't need. If you want to hit, then just hit me. I can live with the pain, but I can't live with the thought I might've hurt you.

But you don't move, you don't open your mouth to scream. You just stare at the ground.

"Let's… Let's go to the Host club…" you suddenly whisper, "We don't want to ask them what's wrong, right?"

"You're right" I confirm, completely stunned because you're not hitting me, but not stupid enough to stare at you like a moron would.

Because I'm sure that when I do, you would hit.

So now I just followed you, running behind you like a dog. Because that's all that I'm still for you. Or no, I think you'd treat your dog better then you're treating me.

You swing the doors open and smile to Haruhi, who's already there, trying to not be harassed by our Lord.

"Ah, Kaoru," she says as she walks to me, ignoring our Lord completely, "are you feeling better?"

"What happened to Kao-chan?" Honey asked immediately, balancing dangerously on his chair.

Like a reflex Mori put his hand behind the chair, to make sure Honey won't fall. It was the way Hikaru used to care for me too. Every time I did something that could be dangerous, he'd try to protect me. He used to try and protect me… but now the only one I need protection from is him. But that's okay… because I still love him.

"I was just not feeling really well" I say and I put up a fake smile again, "but it's all over now."

It's not and it won't be for a long time. My head still feels like it's going to explode and breathing is so painful that I can't stop thinking that it'd be easier if I just hold my breath until I suffocate and die. That would be so much easier. But I can't, I just have to keep pretending. Because if I die… I can't be with you anymore.

"Ah…" Honey says, "Then I won't ask you if you want some cake."

And he gives me that big, innocent smile again. I used to think that was rather cute and I used to feel a little better when he did. But now I don't feel anything when he does. It's just a smile. Just the movements of his upper lip. Just like a mechanical happening, but the warmth behind it has become too surreal to see it. His big, brown eyes widen a bit and he looks from me to Hikaru and back again. I swallow and hope, no, pray, that he doesn't see anything wrong. But he doesn't say anything; he just turns back to his cake and continues eating as he let his chair fall back.

Immediately Mori removes his hand and watches the little boy eat.

We used to love each other like that too. There was a time when watching you sleep, or watching you eat could make my whole day happy again.

"Hikaru, Kaoru," Kyouya says, "Your clothes are over there."

"Ah, ok… Kaoru, you go change first," you order.

I don't ask, I just give a short nod and pick up the clothes. As I reach for the clothes, I guess I made a wrong movement again, and my eyes widen in pain.

"Kaoru? Kaoru, are you okay?" Tamaki immediately asks.

"Sure!" I smile, as lively as I can, but my breathing becomes heavy.

My eyes slide to your face as in a reflex, but you're just talking with Honey about something. It's better that way, it's better that you don't see. Before our Lord can ask any more questions I run to the changing room. I take a deep, painful breath and lean against the wall until I catch my breath again.

I no longer wonder if the pain will ever end. I no longer think about how we got this way and why this has happened to us. I can only think about how I'm going to lie again and how, after all, I get to be with you.

As I finally catch my breath again and the pain fades a little, I start with taking off my clothes, every movement made in anguish, so very careful to keep my ribs from hurting again. I manage to change without all too much pain.

A part of me is happy that you didn't come with me, so you don't have to see my pain and I don't have to pretend that I don't feel any… but the other part of me is so very, very afraid and screaming this is wrong. Maybe I've done something to make you mad at me, but even then you usually just hit me or tell me once again how stupid I am, but you won't go ignoring me completely.

I really hope that you will start looking again at me, soon. I can survive with the pain, the shame, the humiliation and even with the mindless fear every second, but I just **cannot** survive without you. That is simply impossible.

"Eh?! Is there something wrong between you and Kaoru?" I hear our Lord asking. "You usually change together."

"I don't remember me and Kaoru changing together being a rule" you answer uninterested.

Quick, so our Lord won't ask any further, I put on the last of the accessories and walk back again.

"Your turn, Hikaru" I say as normally as I can.

You walk pass me and still you don't give me a single look. It must be your new 'thing'. You have these things you suddenly decide to try until it becomes a habit. You always try new ways to hurt me, because we were easily bored back then and I guess you still are. Even hurting your little brother must become quiet and boring after some time.

But it's okay, because now it hurts like hell, but it will fade away after some months. Then I'll be okay in my mindless world, where feeling nothing at all has become a habit. It will stop hurting eventually. Until you find a new way to hurt me.

You know everything about me and therefore there is nothing on earth that could hurt me more then you do. My every weak points, every button to push. You know everything and you use it all against me.

"Kaoru?"

"Hm?" I answer, more as a reflex then as a sign I'm actually listening.

"You and…"

But Honey doesn't let him end his sentence as he cheerfully interrupts: "Ne, Tama-chan! Wouldn't Haruhi look cute in a pink dress with purple flowers! You could make a dress like that!"

Immediately our Lord chases off to Haruhi and starts bothering her. I shoot Haruhi an apologizing look for letting her baby sit on our Lord for a while.

In all silence I thank Honey as he happily resumes whatever he was doing.

But I'm also afraid he might've noticed **something**. Even when he isn't close to the truth, it's dangerous to continue living here then. If he knows, even the slightest bit, I should change schools.

Hikaru could stay here in Ouran… Or he could come with me and continue this life. We could go somewhere where no one knows us, and just think it all natural.

But nothing is real anymore. Every breath, every gesture, every sign of emotion and even my words are all calculated now, carefully thought through before even thinking of acting. I'm nothing more than a coward, a pathetic liar, running because he wants to stay.

This is what you made me, Hikaru, this is what I've become.

But I don't blame you… I'll just continue blaming myself.

"Well it's time to open the doors" Kyouya says after a look on the clock on the wall, "Kaoru, could you get your brother?"

I'm scared to death to do so, but I know I can't refuse. If I refuse, they'll start asking for sure, and with Honey's acts today I should be twice as careful… just in case he might suspect something, anything at all.

All I can do now is nod and walk to the room where you're changing clothes. When I reach it, I just stare at the door for a few moments, taking a few breaths before I can come up with the courage to slowly raise my hand and knock on the door silently, while I'm hoping that you won't hear.

"Yes?" I hear you say, "What is it?"

"Kyouya asked me to get you…" I explain as a push the door open a little, my heart racing in my throat.

You turn your head a little, your T-shirt still off, while you're standing in front of the mirror. In the instant I walk in, you lower your arm and hide it behind your back, but I don't get why.

"Oh, I'm sorry" I apologize, even though we used to change together and I've seen a lot more then just your naked upper body.

I turn my head to the mirror, not even expecting an answer back. I just want to look at you. I just want to pretend like I'm looking away, while I'm still looking at your body. I just want to act like I used to. The only difference was that you knew was that I was looking at the mirror, and you purposely took off your clothes as slowly as you could.

"Don't worry" you say while you laugh that laugh you used to laugh so many times before this all happened. "You've seen a lot more of me then this.

I give you a small, shy smile, my cheeks instantly colouring a subtle red. I'm not able to give you a good answer, stunned at your sudden change. But I'm not stupid enough to ruin it. I'm not stupid enough to let you see I'm surprised. If you're going to act like this for a while, then I'll just praise my luck and enjoy while it last.

My eyes are still focused on the mirror, as you put on your clothes.

You're beautiful, flawless, the closet things to perfection I'll ever witness. Everybody says we're identical, but I don't think we are. My skin is full of scars, bruises and other unhealed wounds. We're no longer the same, because you ended it that night you first beat me. You locked the gates once again and closed the path to another world. And I ran as far as I could, to hide inside that world. That world only we exist in and everyone else is just a bother, like the animals in the zoo; watched, played with, laughed at and then forgotten.

You move your arm a little and my eye falls on a cut on the inside of your arm.

"Hikaru!" I almost yell, too concerned to be scared, I don't even give you the time to react as I grab your wrist and lift up your arm.

My eyes widen as I stare at the cut. Thousand questions whirl through my mind. It's pretty deep and it looks like it happened recently.

"What happened?" I whisper.

"Ah… I," you look down at the cut and my hand on your arm.

I'm afraid you'll hit me again, punch me in my face, but you don't. You just continue staring at the cut, like your searching for the right words to say, or for the right place to punch.

"That's just a small cut. Please don't worry about it."

"Who did that?" I know you hate questions, but I don't care if you punch me to death. I only care about you.

"I did," the whispered answer sounds.

"Why?!" and I'm scared, so deathly, awfully scared.

"My sweet Kaoru?" you start and I almost believe I really died and this is my last dream on earth. My best dream on earth.

You softly lay your hand on the back of my head and your other hand caresses my cheek. I slowly look up and my eyes widen as I see you smiling. The most sad, yet most beautiful smile decorates your face. And it's directed at me, it's not an act. It's not fake, because there are no girls around.

This is real. I know, because it can't be.

You pull me a little closer and softly lay my head on your shoulder. I can feel our hearts beat in the exactly same rhythm. I can feel your body against mine. I can breathe in your scent, which is drugging my mind. We are once again surrounded by love and magic. We are once like we used to be.

You arms hold me in a loving embrace.

"You're too innocent to carry my world on your shoulder. My pain isn't yours. Your beautiful mind shouldn't be worried about my problems. I'm the only one who can end or start it, so please don't worry about it, my beloved brother."

"I really want to help you," I'm no longer afraid, because you're acting like you used to. You're back… even when it might end any second. "Please share your pain with me."

You take a step backward, holding my hands tight, your eyes fixed on our hands. For a moment there is silence, complete, magical silence.

"Just stay with me, Kaoru," and a single tear slides down your cheek, while you give me a sad smile. "As long you stay with me, everything will be alright."

"Then I'll stay with you," I promise and I carefully wipe away your tear. "No matter what happens, no matter what will come, I'll stay by your side. Forever."

And with those words I sealed myself in this world of pain. With those words I handed you the key to the gate you locked so you can throw it away. With those words I made my destiny inescapable.

"Forever," you repeat.

You smile one of those sad, sorrowful smiles and you lean a little closer, placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Until death do us part," you add.

I'm too far gone in this world of sweet, magic tenderness and hopeful, discouraged love that I can't even think about the depth of that promise. I just look in your brown eyes and repeat the words you just said. We keep silent for a while, just staring at each other souls.

Everything you've done to me, every cut, every bruise and even all those painful words you repeat over and over again and I'm finally starting to believe, is forgotten. It's just simply impossible for me to be angry or unforgiving when you're smiling at me.

"Let's go back," you grin, "and let some girls faint!"

I only nod and follow you, like I always do.

* * *

"But Hikaru took good care of me, so it's all right. It doesn't hurt."

It's been my answer for months, but they still buy it. They must be stupid; they're probably not even listening to what I'm saying. I think they only look at my fake embarrassed and yet so-full-of-love look. And then they scream, faint of tell us how cute we are together.

We aren't cute together, we are meant to be together.

And as an answer to the words, you pull me close and tell me how you failed as the older brother because I got hurt.

It's so stupid. If I tell them I fell, how the hell could you stop that? It just doesn't make any sense, but that's nothing new. They'd buy it, they'd scream for it, so we just continue telling nonsense.

"Hikaru…" I whisper in response, looking as dramatic as I can, "I cannot be hurt when you're near me. As long as you stay with me, everything will be alright."

I usually don't add anything, but saying the same things over and over is simply annoying. I just couldn't help myself to repeat that new made promise again. I can never help myself, I always need you.

"Then I'll stay with you" you whisper. "Forever."

Don't you ever break that promise, Hikaru. Don't you ever dare to leave me alone after today. Please don't, because I couldn't bear it.

"Kyaaaaaa!" it goes, but we're just not paying attention.

It's funny at first, and then becomes quite annoying, but then it's just forgotten, pushed at the background.

"Ne, Kaoru?" a girl suddenly asks.

"Natsumi?" I answer, as I look up at the blonde girl with the bright, almost orange eyes.

A blush colors her face, only because I remember her name. She's just one of those stupid girls, but I should remember, since she's our regular client from the start.

"Don't you like my cake?" she asks, as she points at the plate she gave me earlier.

I've hoped that she forgot about it. They usually do forget if I just start talking about something else. My ribs still hurt awfully much and I felt so terribly sick. Most of the time I just let it be, pricking a little so it looks like I ate, then giving it to Honey after we closed. He eats everything that looks like cake and he never asks why I don't eat it, so it has become a habit that I give him my cake after.

"Of course he does!" you answer in my place, suddenly.

I look up, but I don't even think about protesting. I just nod and smile. She's just a stupid girl. Just a very, very stupid girl. So what if I don't eat from her cake, that's not the end of the world. But just to not hurt her feelings, I eat a little piece of her cake, smiling to her. I force myself to swallow and only the sweetness of the cake and the amount of sugar makes my stomach turn. But still, I swallow and force myself to not throw up a second time. Then she smiles and Hikaru starts telling another story.

I survived, made her happy and obeyed Hikaru's silent order. Everything is alright and the Host Club activities continue.

The last girl waves at our Lord and then walks out the door. She closes it behind her and a sigh escapes my lungs.

"Well then" Kyouya says after typing something on his laptop and shutting it down. "I'm going home."

Without any more words he stands up and walks away. He's mostly the one who's gone first. Well, if you're Kyouya, I assume your life is pretty busy. Or maybe he just wants to be as far from our Lord for as long as possible.

"Uh… I'm going too…" Haruhi says suddenly.

I look up and see the dark, rainy clouds. It's probably going to storm soon. Haruhi must know that, too. It's kind of stupid, in my opinion, for Haruhi to be scared of thunder. She's not moved or shocked by anything, but a few lightening flashes brings her to the point of crying. It's just stupid and pathetic.

But who am I to say anything about being pathetic?

Haruhi quickly gathers her stuff, changes clothes, mutters some kind of goodbye to us and runs more than she walks out the door. The poor kid has to go home by foot. I don't think she lives that far from school, but if it starts to rain… and thunder…

"Ne, Lord" you say, "shouldn't you follow her and bring her home? It's going to thunder soon."

"You're right! I must save my precious daughter!" I'm sure he could've said that without the dramatic poses and the voice.

Soon after that he runs after her too and I can hear him screaming in the hallway for Haruhi to stop and let 'daddy' take care of her. I think this must be the only time Haruhi actually reacts positive on something he says.

"Ne, Kao-chan, Kao-chan?" a cheerful voice next to me says. "Can I have your cake please?"

"Ah, sure, go ahead" I smile and push my plate in his direction.

I don't think that was a good idea, because pain flashes through my body and my eyes widen.

"Kao-chan?"

I open my mouth and gasp for air, that refuses to fill my lungs allow me to breathe. I scold myself for being so stupid and careless.

"Kao-chaaaan!" I think he's crying, or nearly about to.

Small, black spots dance, whirl and hop around before my eyes. I'm still helplessly gasping for air that refuses to come.

From a distant, so far, far away from the depths I'm falling in, I think I hear Honey shouting something to Hikaru about getting help, about what is going on. But it could be just the rain outside, or the sound of a clock ticking. I just don't know. I'm too far separate from reality to still know.

I see some faceless persons, with names I don't seem to remember. Then suddenly my legs refuse to carry me any longer. The floor is cold.

I gasp and gasp. My lungs feel like they're going to explode, like they're being slowly ripped apart. But I can't fight it. I don't know how. I don't know why.

Because only death can part us… and I want to stay with you.

"Takashi! Call an ambulance!"

I think the panicking voice belongs to Honey, but I'm not sure anymore.

"Don't" but I do recognize that voice.

It belongs to my beloved brother.

"Have you lost your mind?! If we don't help him then he'll die! He's suffocating! We should help him!"

"He won't die," you simply state.

You sound so sure, but I don't think I am, but I can't react on anything. I simply lay on the floor, gasping for air. Black spots fill my sight until I can only see darkness. I feel all the energy, the life of me that is left, slipping away.

And then the pain ends and I give up the hopeless fight.

Then it all ends and I can only hope someone will pick me from the floor and keep me alive, so that I can stay with you a little longer.

_Until death do us part, Hikaru._

* * *

First -I'm going to forget otherwise and that would be awfull- ... All the credit my awesome Beta **Hoenn** deserves!

She is really awesome! She just asked me if she could help me and now she beta'd my story! Yaay! No more idiotic spelling mistakes! All thank to her! Give her a big tddy bear, coca-cola and a hug! I've almost stalking her and she doesn't even mind! Yaaaay! She's sooooooo incredibly cool.

**Hoenn's ideas for my story:** it was her idea to let Kaoru collapse after the Host Club hours with only Hikaru, Mori and Honey left there. The reason Tamaki and Haruhi left were also her ideas. Other then that, she suggested the 'Hikaru refuses to look at Kaoru, and Kaoru goes ANGST' theme. This will be running through the few next chapter too... untill -stops, aint gonna spoil anything XD-

Hoenn, thank you for being so competely cool! -insert cheerleader dance for Hoenn here-

**And here comes the irritating thoughts of Jazyrha:**

Jeeej! Second chapter! Woah, this sure is long -compared to the usual lenghts of my chapters, that is- and I'm sorry it took so long to get it up. Well, for the people who liked it up so far be happy: I'm adding a lot more chapters -I think the total will be around 6 or 7- Hm, I don't have to say much about this anymore. Other than I'm completely killing Kaoru! It's soooooo saaaaaad that I'm doing this to him! Heheh... but it does make an awesome story line -insert evil laugh here- He'll just have to be hurt a little longer. And oh, he didn't die at the end... just so you now... XD Aaaah, I love that promise so much: 'until death do us part'. Wee! Okay, it's kinda scary in their situation, but hey, he knooooowss! He's just weird so he doesn't care. Oh, and sorry for the weird language use -or so I call it- when Hikaru finally started to be nice to Kaoru once again. Heheh, also sorry for making Hikaru such a psycho with way too sudden mood swings.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I wanted to tell you this: headaches and throwing up are signs of abuse. It's the constant stress -and of course the psychical pain- that causes these things. They're the first symptones, even when there are no injuries who could cause that. Oh, and I know this because my mom has a lot of books about child abuse and stuff -she wanted to help them, so she had to know all the symptones and after effects- and I can't help myself but reading them. A very, very low self-esteem is also a sign of abuse, lower grades, spacing out, being absent at school for long times, never anticipating in sports activities, and I could go on.

Meh, I just wanted to tell you that I know what I'm writing about and I'm not making up these symptones to make it sound more dramatic.

[Did you know that urinate in your bed is also a sign of abuse? ... Maybe I should use that one in my story XD

Oh... and to everyone: I'm not making fun of anyone in this kind of -probably less dramatic- situation. So don't kill me or flame me or hate or whatever because I said those things. I'm just a way too talkative girl who thinks everyone is interested in her knowledge.

Please review and tell me what you think! Ideas are still welcome!!!!

Yaay, until the next Kaoru-Torturing chapter!


	3. Beloved Brother

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter Three: My Beloved Brother**

We are one, and therefore we cannot be separated. Not pain, not time, not even problems can get between us. We'll endure all the heartaches, and we'll dry each other tears. We'll eliminate all who dares to stand in our way or thinks of intruding in our world, just so we can end up together. We will always end up together. Our bond goes beyond comprehension, beyond the point of being able to be caught in words. Only the one that is my mirror image deserves my trust and all others are just idiotic traitors, all of them smashed down before they can reach. If they ever hurt you, they'll kill me. We make up for each others flaws and reach perfection only we can understand or see. We are different, but we are one. We purely exist for each other. We only wake up to see the other lying next to us, and there is nothing, no one in this world who can break us apart. We are meant to be together. We are born together and we will die together. Your face was the first thing I saw and will be the last thing I remember. I love you, and I know you love me too. Our love is only meant for each other. If you leave, I'll perish. Our love is an immortal force that decides over our lives and will never fade.

If it's to keep you here, I'll do anything.

That is what I still believe, when I lay lifeless on my bed. My eyes are open and I stare at the window, without seeing anything. Everything hurts: my lungs, my chest, my arm, my face and my heart, all that is me. Every time I breathe, it feels like there's a knife stabbing itself into my chest and then twisting, - in, out - in the most painful ways. Maybe I should just hold my breath until I die.

Dying is so much easier then living. I can die now, I could've died yesterday and I could die tomorrow. But I don't know, I don't decide when I live. I always have to fight to live. To live and to survive and it's painful, so incredibly painful. Dying is way less painful. Dying is so easy. All it takes is closing my eyes and stop the fighting.

But I can't. I have to live. Because only in this life, I can be with you. I'll do anything to be with you, even living. I will not die. I will survive.

I have to.

"Ah, you're finally awake" you say.

Speaking hurts, but I endure it and I answer silently: "Yes."

"You collapsed at the Host Club, so I took you home" you tell me matter-of-factly.

I almost died and you're just stating the facts. But it's okay. It's all okay, because you're still here.

"I know" I say.

"Good. I'll let you rest now. It's better if you rest for a while and not go to school."

He means I can't because he doesn't want me to, because he's afraid that after this I'll tell them. That I might finally crack and start screaming that you, **you,** my beloved twin brother almost killed me. But I won't, I never will. I'll just tell them it was the stress, or that I was overtired and just collapsed.

"I told mom it was the stress from the coming exams" you say.

"Then I'll stick with that story…" I answer.

"Good" you say again and you stand up, "then I'll go."

It's silent and I don't even bother watching you leave. I don't hate you, but moving my head demands for the energy that I simply don't have. It's silent, but I just know you're still there. At the door, in the middle of my room, somewhere standing and waiting.

"Kaoru…" it's silent for a while again. "Honey-senpai saw. You know what's going to happen next, right?"

"I know" I assure you.

Yes, that's right. Honey knows there is something wrong. Honey saw me collapse and heard Hikaru **refusing **help. Normally, in the past, both of us would've freaked out, would've cried and screamed until someone slaps us in the face and screams it's alright. And now you just watched, just let me die. You wouldn't even care if I die.

"Oh… And Kaoru?"

"Yes?"

"Don't ever scare me like that again… Okay? If you're not feeling well after…" you don't end you sentence, but start a new one: "just stay home next time, okay? Don't die. I…"

Something warm is welling up in my eye. Something burning and warm is filling up in my chest.

The silence continues, until you finally break it.

"I really don't want you to die. You **have **to **understand** that" I hear a quiet sob. "Because that's the truth! That's really the truth!"

Footsteps running out of my room, a loud, desperate cry, the door smashed closed and your silent sadness lingering in the room are the things that follow. And then I'm alone again. All alone in this painful world. All alone on my bed, breathing heavily. All alone, without you.

I force myself up. If you're crying, then I'll have to follow you. It's an unwritten rule, an understanding that we both understand. There is something sliding over my cheek. I wipe it away.

A tear.

A single tear is blinking on my finger. I never cry. I don't cry from pain, I don't cry from loneliness, I don't cry from the changes. I just don't cry. I stumble to the door. It hurts and my breathing goes even more difficult. I don't remember the way to your room ever being so long and so painful. But if you're crying, I have to make sure you'll be alright. Even when you might hurt me, when you might beat me to death this time, I don't want to leave you alone.

I'm alone, but you're not.

You still have me. You'll always have.

Finally, I'm there. I lay my head on the wall, panting. It hurts, but you're worth it. I slowly knock on your door.

"If you're Kaoru, come in. If you're anybody else, stay out" the answer sounds.

I smile a little. We used to say that always, to everyone. Even our parents had to plead to come in and we mostly just ignored them. I only listen to you. You're the only one who has the right to command me. I guess that hasn't change. I guess that can never change.

I carefully come in, and you lay on your bed, your face hidden in your pillow. You don't even look up, you just say: "You shouldn't be walking."

"You were crying" I say and I close the door behind me. "Or I thought you were."

"You don't understand!" you yell, still not looking at me. "You don't understand anything about me!"

And that hurts, more then all your punches do.

"I could try" I say and I stumble, force myself to your bed.

"No, no… **no**!" you say and you shoot up, as you threw me onto the ground.

Pain flashes through my body, and I gasp for air.

"You're an idiot! You're pathetic! Moron! You don't get it do you?! You're so naïve! You're so stupid!" you scold me and your punches pour down like the rain.

I try to cover my face and chest with my hands.

"You almost died! You collapsed and almost died there on the ice-cold floor! And you're still crawling back to me! Why are you so stupid! Why are you such a pathetic quitter?!"

I don't struggle; I just let you hit me. I don't know how you do it, but you didn't once punch my chest. You pull me up at me hair, smash me on the bed, but I roll over and smash hard against the wall. Bones break, eyes widen, and I'm gasping, begging for air again.

"WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!? WHY DON'T YOU SEE?!" you scream and you walk to me.

Punches and kicks rain down on me and you rip off my clothing, until I'm lying there on your floor, naked and all the life kicked out of me.

But I'm still not blaming you.

"Just fight, just struggle! But no, no, you're too pathetic! You just let me do this! I hate you, Kaoru! I hate you!"

There's something wet falling on me, and it's not blood. Tears. Your tears. And with every heartbreaking sob you punch me harder. You push me on the bed, pinning me down underneath you. You don't look at me, you don't even try. But your tears are falling down on my face, sliding over my cheeks like they're mine, washing a little blood away. But it can't be, because I can't cry anymore.

I've never seen you so hurt. I've never seen you losing it like this before.

"You just keep coming back! Isn't it enough? Isn't it enough pain? Do you like the pain so much, huh? Huh?!"

My eyes widen only a little as you force yourself in me, harder, harsher, more painful, so more sick then you ever did. You shake your head as you screamed words to fill the room, to fill my head, to break my heart. I don't know why, I don't know how, but watching you go crazy like this hurts.

"Doesn't it hurt, Kaoru? Doesn't it kill you? Just scream, Kaoru. Nobody's home. Nobody will ever notice. It's okay, just let me see your pain. Just scream, just struggle."

Pain, mindless, nameless, awful pain. Pain rushing through my whole body, ripping apart my flesh. Your words were staining my soul, destroying my heart. I look up at you and I catch a glimpse of the look in your eye. You're mad, you've gone insane. All the reason, all the dignity, all the **humanity**, it's all gone.

And that is all my fault.

There is not a single trace of the Hikaru I once knew. Not a single evidence that he ever existed. Only the one that you are now is left, forcing yourself into me, punching my face in the pillow, with every punch making me think I'll die.

"Not enough" you whisper and your voice scares me. You jump off me and leave me there, bleeding on your bed. Bleeding until I die. You grab some things and walk back to me. You tie me to the bed, the rope so hard around my wrists and ankles that it hurts, cutting. Then you show me your knife.

"Watch" you command, "watch me cut your body open."

I swallow.

"Hikaru…" I silently beg. "Don't…"

But you're not listening, you don't care. You sit on me and plant your knife in my arm.

"Scream!" you command, "show me that awful pain. Oh my, doesn't it hurt, Kaoru, doesn't it hurt?!"

"It hurts, it hurts" I whisper, as my eyes watch how you carefully cut open every body fiber. My voice shakes and I'm not sure you even heard that. My hearts races like it's going to explode and blood drips, falls, streams, slides down my body. I never thought you could lose that much blood and still live.

I'm going to die. This time, for real, you will kill me.

"Not enough" you scream again. "Scream it!"

You lift your knife up and stab in my shoulder, fast, hard, painful. But I don't move, I don't scream.

Oh, God, don't let me die. Anyone, everything, please don't let me die.

"Fight! Scream! Show me your pain, Kaoru! Show it!" you yell like a madman and you knife plants in my hip.

You've gone insane. You're gone. You're never coming back.

It's my fault and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

In and out your knife goes, in and out, in and out. You cute open my other arm, lick the wounds and taste my blood. I'm dying, I hope I am. You've totally lost it. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to come after all, but it's okay. It's all going to be okay.

You stab you knife again, in my stomach.

And then my eyes widen, I open my mouth and scream.

I scream of the mindless pain. I scream of the way you've lost it. I scream and beg you to stop.

God, please, please! I'm begging you, with everything my worthless life still holds as value, don't let me die. Please let me live.

You win. You always win.

"Stop it Hikaru!" I beg, screaming, "Don't kill me! Don't kill me."

I'm so pathetic, I'm such a coward. And it never stops. It never stops. People never stop. Nothing ever stops.

It just keep continue. It just keeps repeating.

"Don't kill me, Hikaru… Don't kill me… Don't…"

Don't kill me, Hikaru, because death is the only thing that can part us.

* * *

After a week and three days I can go back to school. The cuts are healed enough and I can finally walk again and move my arms without blood spilling all around my shirt. My legs allow me to walk once again and my face looks pretty fine. I just have to wear sunglasses for the black eye. But it's not really weird for me to come to school with sunglasses, even when there is no sun. I did that before you started punching me, before you wanted me dead so badly. But, the only difference is that we both did back then. Together, always the same.

The bruises on my cheeks are still visible though, and I can't speak well because you broke my jaw. I hope no one asks, but this time Hikaru will answer in my place and say I can't answer because of my jaw and that I fell. I always fall. I'm such a clumsy boy. Clumsy beyond words and believe or not, everyone buys it. They just nod and tell me to be careful. Well, everyone used to. But I don't think this goes up for everyone anymore. I'm scared of going to the Host Club and face Honey and Mori. I don't think Mori will say anything or remark that it isn't normal… but I'm sure it won't be the same. And then there is Honey. Honey, who is smart and kind. The worst combination there is in my situation. Since he's smart, he'll know. Since he's kind, he'll try to help me.

The teacher says my name and I look up, shrugging and pointing at my jaw, as to say: 'I can't talk, you idiot.' I actually could talk, but it hurt and it sounded like some retarded person who tried to hum a melody. So I decided not to talk at all. At least I was there, at school. They shouldn't complain. Then the teacher just points at Hikaru, sitting next to me and he answers.

I hate class more than I used to. It's just stupid to sit there and listen, listen and write, write and pay attention, which is nearly impossible if everything hurts so much, when your head is going to explode and your lungs feel like they're going fall apart. Breathing is difficult and I can't even yawn because that hurts. Moving even the slightest inch hurts. All I can do is sitting there, watching and pretending to be paying attention. Not that it matters, but as long as I have fairly good grades and don't make to much trouble in class, they have no reason to bother me.

Finally the lesson ends. If sighing wouldn't hurt so much, I would've sighed now. But it hurt and the pain is already almost unbearable, so I don't want increase it, even if it's just a little.

I look up and my eyes slide over the class. You're not here. I bend down over my desk again and quickly write on a paper: _where is Hikaru?_ I walk to Haruhi and let her read the paper. She laughs a little, probably because it looks so very retarded to write down what you want to say without being able to say it. But I'm not angry and I didn't send her a destroying look. What's the point in that anyway?

"I think he went that way" she says and points in a direction.

I smile a little, but that hurts too. I turn around to search for Hikaru, if Haruhi had not grab my arm and keep me from walking away.

"Ne, Kaoru…" she suddenly says and I turn back. "If there's something wrong… You know you can tell me right? I mean… even when it's difficult, you know I'll try to help you, right?"

I stare blankly at her and then shrug, as to tell her there is nothing going on. She doesn't understand. She wouldn't be able to help me anyway. She wouldn't be able to stop it, even if she tried. She can't understand, she'll never know. She'll tell me to leave him, maybe even tell the police or something.

I'll **never **betray my brother like that. I just can't live with that thought. I can't survive without him. It's a simple truth.

"I know you can't talk right now, but if you can again, you should tell someone."

I shrug again. There is nothing wrong, Haruhi. Please understand.

She sighs.

"You don't have to, of course. But if you want to, you know where to find me, okay?"

She probably just hopes that there's something wrong with me so she can play her little I'm-A-Real-Lawyer game with me. Immediately I feel guilty for thinking such things when people only try to help, but they don't know, they just don't understand. She won't be able to help me anyways, because now it's so obvious that she knows something, Hikaru will have to let me transfer.

I nod a little towards her, as to tell her I'm going to search Hikaru now and she gives me a smile and says happily: "See you in the Host Club, then."

A small wave with my hand and then I'm off. I don't know why, but I'm always searching for you. Always trying to find Hikaru, no matter when or where. I see Mori and Honey walking by and Honey looks over his shoulder, staring at me, until I lift my hand up as to say 'hello' and walk away searching for Hikaru. A little later I almost bump into Our Lord. As always, he doesn't make any sense at all.

"Oh, Kaoru…" he suddenly says right before I could run off.

"Hm?" it's about the only sound I can make.

"The Host Club is… uhm… starting a little later today… Okay?" he hops nervously from on leg onto the other and he doesn't look at me.

I shrug and nod.

"So, don't come to the Host Club? Okay? I'll come and tell you when we start. Just don't come to the Host Club, ne?" he says.

I shrug again. Really, he doesn't make any sense. He runs off and I watch him leave. I want to continue my search for my mysteriously lost brother, but then it strikes me.

Our Lord was **forbidding** me to come to the Host Club, which could only mean one thing. He was planning something, something I couldn't know about, which could also only mean one thing. He knew. My eyes widen and as fast as I can I walk to the Host Club anyway. I have to make sure they don't know. I really don't want to change school. If it was up to me, I'd stay in Ouran until I graduate. But if Hikaru tells me differently, I'll change school anyway.

The doors of the third music room are closed.

"_Temporary closed. We apologize for this inconvenience"_, was written in scripture on a sign hanging on the door.

It must be very important if Kyouya lets our Lord just close the doors for something. I press my back against the wall and shuffle a little closer to the door.

"So, Honey-senpai, tell me what happened." That's our Lord.

Honey's voice follows, still happy and high as he tells what happened the day I collapsed.

"And then Kaoru looked like he was suffocating, but when I said we should call an ambulance, Hikaru refused" I think I hear something like a sob, "It was really scary."

"Hikaru **refused**?" ah, that's Kyouya, for sure. "That's rather unusual."

"I really don't get it" Tamaki again.

I don't get it either, Lord. Something in me screams that I have to stop this, but I can't. I just stare and listen.

"It's fairly simple. If we think of all the things that are happening, the bruises, the long absences, I think there's a pretty simple explanation" always cold and matter-of-factly.

"Oi, oi, don't say you're implying that…" that's Haruhi's voice.

I completely freeze. If Haruhi is there too, that means everybody knows. Tamaki, Mori, Honey, Kyouya, Haruhi… I bit my lip and my hands clench around the fabric of my pants. Please don't let them do anything.

"Yes, I think Hikaru is…"

I hear someone getting up. I press myself even closer against the wall, like I want to disappear in it. I take a deep breath, which hurts like hell and I stare at the door. Suddenly it swings open and I stare at Mori's face. I try to look innocent, like I was just walking by or something, but I know it won't work.

"Ah, so he was listening" Kyouya pushes up his glasses and I can't see what he's thinking.

I shake my head. I unclench my fist and walk past Mori, and inside the Host Club. I grab a paper and a pen and slowly write down what I want to say. I give the paper to Kyouya and he reads it, looks at me and then gives the paper to Our Lord.

"It's not what you think" he reads out loud. "Then what is it, Kaoru?"

I shrug. How am I supposed to know? How should I know what's going on in his head?

"You should get help" Haruhi says.

I shake my head.

"Fine… everything is…" I mumble knowing they barely get me.

"Ah, there you are" I hear you saying.

I freeze and turn around. Your eyes slide over my body and then to Tamaki and back to me. I swallow and hope you don't think anything is suspicious or wrong.

"Why aren't we open yet?" you simply ask, ignoring me.

"Oh… we were just uh… thinking about something" Haruhi quickly says.

"But we're going to open now" Kyouya adds and walk to the door, removing the paper. "You're clothes are over there" and he points in the right direction.

"Hm" you say. "Kaoru…"

I nod and take my clothes. I don't even know why I have to participate in the Host Club activities if I can't even talk. It's just stupid. Girls are stupid, but they won't be satisfied with me just sitting there like a living decoration. But I'm sure you'll just answer in my place and then they'll go all crazy because you know me so well.

I wish I still knew you, too. But you're a mystery for me now.

I quickly change and go back. You got in after me, but this time you're back on time. And then the Host Club starts and I'm caught up in lies again. Every time again, every single time again.

No one says a word about what happened before Hikaru came in anymore, and I'd like to forget. I like to forget that the truth is becoming a lie. I like to forget that things will never be the same. I like to forget that the world is wrong. I like to forget that living like this is painful.

I like forgetting about how wrong this is.

Can anyone blame me for that? I don't think I'm running. I don't think I'm hiding. I'm just forgetting. You can't blame people that they want to erase, remove and forget all that are wrong. You can't blame people for being who they are.

I'm a coward. But I can't help it. It's just the way I am. And I love you. I can't help that either. That's just the fact that defines me. I love you and I can't stop loving you.

Just tell me that I'm wrong. Just tell me it's wrong to love.

Love is never wrong. Love will always be right in the end. As long as I love, I'll survive.

* * *

"You told them, didn't you?" you ask, coldly, while refusing to look at me.

You lock the door behind you. Mom is gone and Dad will be late today. And I'm here, alone. Alone with you.

I shake my head, since talking still hurts.

"You betrayed me didn't you?!" your voice skips from anger.

I shake my head again. I would never betray you.

"You betrayed your own twin brother! What kind of person are you?!" your shoe hits my side. "How could you do that to me?!"

"Not… Didn't… Hikaru… **please**"

Please, please believe me. Please stop this. Please don't do this. Please, Hikaru, I'm begging you.

"And now you're lying?! Do you think I'm stupid?! Do you think I don't know?!"

Punches and kicks rain down.

"You told them, didn't you?! You told them!"

"No…no…no…n…" I mumble.

"You're not a person! You're a monster! Betraying me like that! Do you think I didn't see them looking?" and you continue to punch me. You continue to hurt.

My eyes become heavy and breathing is once more difficult. I always thought people who panted like hell were stupid. You were born and you knew how to breathe. That isn't difficult. But now it is. Now breathing becomes more and more difficult and sometimes nearly impossible.

You stop hitting and sit on your knees, by my bleeding side, watching how I slowly fade, how I'm slowly, so very slowly falling unconscious.

"I want you to get a transfer next week. Finish this week and say goodbye to anyone you want to." You stand up, giving me a last kick.

I don't even react anymore.

"Oh, and Kaoru…"

No sound. No regret.

"I'm not coming with you."

And then the door closes softly, leaving me behind to bleed alone.

* * *

**YAAAY!!! Here come the credits to the wonderful, amazing, to cool for words BETA called Hoenn again!**

**Her ideas:** It was her idea that there would be that secret meeting. Woah! That really helped me out sooooo muuuch! And of course, she corrected all my awful faults so that you can read a better story! Let's give her a new car! ... Okay... I'm not that rich -Sob- Oh well, just know I'm thankful to her forever. Yay:-)

**Jazyrha's annoying thoughts: **I'm going to die... Really... I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY! Well, not that much. Hm, maybe that the beginnin is completely random. I know, it might be a little disturbing. But I REALLY had to put that in. I think even when it doesn't have anything to do with the story, it's pretty true! Yay! -really has to stop doing that XD- And ... I'm sorry if that scene Hikaru was going completely crazy was a little too... well, violent? Psychotic? Scary? ANGSTY?! Woah, I'm really scared that I can read something like that. I'm evil! Evil I tell you!

Meh, I'm not going to say anything more. (I'm sorry, I'm really tired, had school until 5 PM and was home around 6 PM... so I'm tired, I haven't even eaten yet -cries- But school starts later tomorrow, that's pretty nice! I promise I'm going to write as much as possible.).

**Please review! Yay! **-gets shot because she said it AGAIN-

Jazyrha!

[I'm going to add at least three more chapters. Just so you know


	4. Because I Love You

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter Four: Because I Love You.**

You're words are engraved in my heart. Forever I'll be the pathetic coward you tell me I am. Forever I'll be the one who does everything wrong. Forever I'll hate myself for not being any stronger. You've repeated it so much; over and over again, that I'm starting to believe it. No, that **must** be it. You're not a bad person. You're not the kind of person that would hurt people without a reason, so it must be my entire fault. I must've done something wrong.

I guess this is what I get for wanting you with me so badly. This is my punishment for being such a coward, for being so weak. I locked you up in the world that only allows us to live in. I closed the gates and blocked every way out. It's no miracle people would go insane. It's not surprising people would get sick of that and would try to get out. But what to do if they can't? They'll just search another way.

This is just what I deserve for being so selfish. If I've let you go before, everything would've been fine. But I can't help it. I couldn't let you go and I'm still not capable of that. I just want you here, with me. I don't want to share you. I know we don't have to separate necessarily and we could just go our own way even if we would still be together, but I don't want to. I just don't want to think about that.

Blame me, hate me, detest me, stab me, hurt me… but I will never change that thought. That's simply impossible for me.

Water splashes in my face as I stand in the shower, without emotions, without thoughts. Thinking is hurting me. Hurting is feeling the pain I can't take anymore. My breathing goes slowly, difficult, but I'm managing. I always do. I don't know why or how, I just do.

I guess that's one thing I still can do. Maybe it's the only thing I'm still capable of doing. Just managing, just surviving without living. I'll just manage; I'll be just fine, because one day this will end, right? I know that one day we'll be happy together. Happy again. Just happy because I am there and you are there. Happy because we are still together. It was once all we needed to survive in this cruel world, so it can be like that again, right?

Everything will be fine in the end. Because you'll see, Hikaru. We'll end up together. There is no mistake about that. We'll end up like we always end up: a little stronger and even closer. Just a little more.

I move my arm a little too high and I feel the stitches, the one you did all by yourself because you didn't like them loose. I gasp and hold my arm in the position it was. I hope it won't come off, because then it will start bleeding again and I won't be able to use my arms. I remember all the times you stabbed a little too deep, all the times you cut too much. I can still feel the pain of the time you forgot it was my skin you were cutting in, not just a piece of paper, of soulless material. No, I can feel. If you cut me, I feel pain. If you hit me in front of everyone, I feel embarrassed. If you tell me you hate me, I feel sad. Feeling makes this world unbearable. It'd be better if I didn't know how to feel. It'd be better if I was some kind of doll, just a lifeless object that you could use like you wanted to.

I sigh and slowly lower my arm again. The water drips over my body, but it can't wash away. It can't wash away the things you did.

Forever I'll feel dirty, maimed, stained, hurt. Forever I'll believe there is no hope left. Forever I'll be your slave. Forever I'll do anything, everything, just to keep you here.

I'm nothing alone. I can't exist on my own. I'm completely depending on you. I can't reach anything on my own. I can't do anything without you. Without you, there is no meaning. Without you there is no life.

We belong together. We were born together, and since that day, we knew- as the only people in the world- we knew, that our love was meant to last forever. No one could come between us. Nothing could change our minds. You and me, we were one.

And I'm sorry for not wanting that to end. I'm sorry for being selfish, too. I'm sorry for everything.

I love you. Because I love you, I'll endure all the pain. No matter how scared I will get, no matter how much you will stab, no matter what might come, I will always love you. I will stand by your side and never leave you. I love you. That is all I need to know. That is all I need to be. Just in love with you.

Wrong. People might call this wrong. I used to think it was wrong too. But, honestly, what is wrong? It's wrong to be scared, it's wrong to give in to your fears.

But is it wrong to be scared of being alone? Is it wrong to want you here by my side?

Was loving ever wrong? Is love wrong just because we are both boys? Just because we are brothers? Just because we are twins? There are so many 'wrongs' in them I can't count, but to me it's all just so very right. People don't understand something else then their own feelings, so they will think this is wrong.

Love is never wrong. That is what I believe.

Love hurts, yes. Love kills, yes. Love drives people insane, yes. Love can break your heart beyond repair, yes. Love can make a sane person the biggest idiot ever, yes.

But it's never wrong. Love is never wrong.

I'm still breathing, even when it's difficult and painful. I am still walking around, even if my legs repeatedly refuse to carry me. I am still living, even when dying is so much easier. I am still here, even when all I want is to disappear.

Why?

Because I love you.

Just simply, purely and only for that reason, I'll live. Only for that reason I'll withstand everything. Only to wait for the day you'll smile and tell me you love me back, everything is alright.

Because I really love you. Until death do us apart. Until the world stops turning. Until my last breath. Until you forget me.

I promise I will love. I will never give up on love. Even if you will never love me back and just want me to die. I promise that I will love you, without thinking of ever letting go. I promise I will always remain Kaoru, always like I was before. I promise I will never let you go.

Because, after all, Hikaru… we are still together. Even after all you did, even after all the times you've lost yourself and killed the 'me' inside, we are still in this together. You didn't leave me. You never left me. You always say you will, you always say that from now on, I'm alone. But you are still here. I am still here.

We are still here. And we won't perish this easily.

The curtain slowly slides away and a shadow falls upon me. Iron claws of fear close around my chest. I don't look up. I just stare at the ground, away, away from you. I don't want to face you. I don't want to know. Just let me be, just let me fade.

"Kaoru" I hear a familiar voice saying.

I slowly look up. You have your clothes already on and I can feel your eyes burning on my body. I don't know why, but I'm suddenly feeling embarrassed, no… ashamed beyond words and I try to cover my body as much as possible. You walk to the door and lock it.

"Hikaru…" I whisper, whishing you would just leave me alone.

I don't like it when you are watching my body. I don't like how your eyes slide over my scars. I don't like the way you're so perfect and I'm so incredibly imperfect.

"Just look at you…" you whisper.

I look up and my eyes widen when you just step in the shower as well. Your clothes are getting soaked.

"Hikaru…" I whisper again. "Don't…"

I press my back against the wall, trying to vanish, trying to get away while I don't want to fight anymore.

"You're… You're afraid, aren't you?"

My heart races like hell and I can barely speak, but I shake my head. Please don't think that! Before this, I wasn't afraid of you, so I'm not. Everything is still the same… nothing… nothing changed… If I can just stay the same person, you'll eventually be the same person again, too, right? Because we always did the same things, we always thought the same thought. This isn't different.

I think I fail in believing my own lies.

"I will never be afraid of you" I answer. "I just thought it wasn't very smart to take a shower with your clothes on. I… I'll go now if you want to…"

"No… don't go" You lay your head on my shoulder. "Please don't go."

I swallow and close my eyes in silent fear and disgust when your hands slide over my body, your long, slim fingers lingering on every scar. Your soaked clothes rub against my naked skin and I can't help but to bite my lip and freeze. I don't fight, I don't struggle. I just let you have your way with me.

"Please stop this," you whisper and you turn the tap harder, water gushing over us.

You always do that, so that mother and father won't hear my screamings. They won't hear me yelling, they won't hear me scream. They'll just hear the water, if they hear anything at all. It's not like it is necessary, because I don't scream. I bite my lips until they bleed, I clench my hands to fists, so tight that my nails sink into my skin. I shut my eyes shut, but I never scream. Because if I start, who knows where I'll end?

"Hikaru…" your hands travel over my side, my hip, my legs… "I don't know…"

Then suddenly I feel you hand sliding to the inside of my leg. My breathing stops for a moment and my heart skips a few beats as I feel my muscles tighten. Your warm hand burns against my naked flesh. I feel your fingers slowly caressing. I turn my head and close my eyes, trying to stop myself from pushing away.

"No… Don't…" I whisper.

"Stop me…" you whisper again and your hand travels up, while the other pins me against the wall. "Please stop me…"

Your shoulders shake, and your body trembles. Up and down, with little, small shock your shoulders go. You hair hides your eyes and I can't see, I don't know. You look miserable and it makes me feel sick, disgust with myself and completely helpless.

If you don't know what we have become, if you don't know what is happening, if you don't know how to end this… just how is it ever going to stop? If you don't know, who will? Is there anyone in the world who could understand if you don't?

I don't know if you're crying again. I don't know whether it is just the water dripping over your cheeks, or if it's mixed with tears. I don't know what you mean. I don't know anything, because I'm just a simple idiot. If I was any smarter, I would've understood; I would've ended this long ago. But I'm stupid. I'm just a ridiculous moron, so how am I supposed to understand the most complicated love of all?

"Hikaru, please…" I beg, but I can't do anything more.

"Kaoru…" your remove you hand and caress my cheek.

"Yes?" I silently whisper.

"Please kiss me" and for the first time since weeks you look into my eyes. "Please kiss me like you love me."

Your eyes stare at me with such helplessness; so full of sorrow and regret. I think I can see, in your eyes, how I've felt. You're ripped apart, too. We always felt the same. I guess this is no different. Broken brown eyes stare at me, revealing the mindless pain, the hurtful question. My body burns, my heart shatters and memories flash before my eyes as I continue to stare back, just stare in those confused, torn eyes. No one in this world can save us now. No one in this world can make it right.

I hurt you by becoming this. I hurt you because I let you hurt me. And I never realized.

"Hikaru…" My eyes are filling with something warm… but it's probably just because of the water.

The world falls down upon us, dreams crash around our feet and we can't help it. If you depend on me, you might as well die. I can't save anyone. There is no way I can stop you.

Even if I love you… it won't be enough. It just won't be enough and I know. If love is what you want, then why did you do this? I don't get it. I absolutely don't understand you. You. Hikaru. My brother. My twin brother.

"I want you to love me. Kiss me like there is nothing wrong. Kiss me like you love me."

How can you say that? Just how am I supposed to believe you. I always thought this was what I wanted to hear, but now I'm hearing it, it doesn't make me happy. It doesn't heal my heart, it doesn't make everything alright. It just hurts me.

Maybe because I know this is not what you want.

"I love you" I whisper and try to break free of your hold.

"No, you don't. You're just scared" you sound hurt, even more hurt then I ever did. "You're just scared of me."

"No… That's not…" But I am. I am scared of my own twin. I'm scared of my other half. I'm scared of the one I love.

"Please kiss me" you smile a little. "Just one kiss. Just one kiss that makes me believe that we are in love. Please."

And as always, I give in.

"One kiss" I repeat. "One kiss because I love you."

You nod.

I take a deep breath and slowly lean in. I don't know what I'm doing. I've never been the one who kissed. I'm always the one who was kissed, pinned, held underneath the one who was kissing. I was always the one who was forced, who was hurt. I was never the one who did something. But if you ask me, then I'll do.

Then our lips meet in the most careful, insecure kiss.

I don't know whether it feels good, or I'm just afraid. I only know I'm kissing you. At my own free will. My body reacts on its own and I find myself wrapping one arm around you and pulling you a little closer. I'm scared and I'm in love. I'm deathly afraid, yet I'm happy. I'm a thousand things at the same time. I don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know whether I should fight it or not, stop it or not. I don't even know if I could stop it. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that we are kissing, in the shower, and you didn't force me too.

You asked me to. You've given me the right to say 'no' if I really wanted to. But I didn't say it. I didn't end this.

I just pushed it a little further, just crossed another line.

The stitches come off, and my arm starts to bleed, but no one seems to care. I don't care. Blood, mixed with water just falls down, like blood isn't anything important anymore. Well, after you lost so much, after you seen spilled so much of it and still live, I think it just loses all its value. It doesn't matter. I just feel your wet uniform pressed against my naked body, the cold wall pressing against my back. And the water still falls down, like the rain, down upon us. My blood slides over your clothes and make the bath see red, but we don't care.

I feel your arms slowly traveling lower and lower and I freeze. I almost pull back as to stop you. I don't want to… I don't want to do that… Because it hurts. Pictures, feelings, sounds of me pinned underneath you and you forcing yourself into me flash through my head. The pain, the awful pain comes up again.

But I put it aside.

This moment, I just love you.

Because that is what you asked me.

_Kiss me like you love me._

Suddenly, you stop and you put your arms a little higher again, almost like you were reading how scared I was of that happening again. Almost like you can read my thoughts again, just like you used to.

You pull back and you look at the ground. It stays silent for a while. For a long time the only thing I can hear is the sound of my heartbeat, for the first time in years still claiming to be alive, and the water, streaming down. My breath goes fast and my legs tremble and I can't move, can't think, can't understand. All I can do is look at you. Just look at you

"Thank you" you say.

You step out of the shower.

"Kaoru…"

"Hikaru…" I say, trying to catch my breath, trying to think straight again.

Your back is facing me. Your hand rests on the door, but you don't leave yet.

"Did you feel it too?"

"What?" I don't get it.

"Love…"

Silence.

"Did you feel love?"

And for the first time I feel a tear sliding over my cheek. For the first time I cry in front of you even when you won't see because of the shower. For the first time, I don't think I'm afraid.

"Yes. I felt it, too."

For the first time, I think I'm lying without even knowing.

* * *

One week. One week is all that is left. After one week I'll transfer. After one week I'll never see Haruhi, Tamaki, Kyouya, Mori or Honey back. I will never meet them again. I will forget them and ban them out of my life. I will be alone once again.

I will miss you, too. I will feel terribly alone. But it's okay. It's all going to be okay.

I will never see this Host Club again. This music room we turn into a paradise, another country, a police station, into everything people can imagine.

"Kaoru?"

"Hm?" I look up.

"Did your jaw heal?" Tamaki smiles one of his bright smiles to me and his eyes smile with him, the sign that he isn't faking like I always am. But there is some kind of… sympathy? I don't think I want that, because that's the sign they know there is something wrong.

Well, they know, they know for sure, but it doesn't matter. I'll be gone before they know it anyway. Just four more days… just a little longer…

"Yes… It's a lot better now" I nod.

"Good to hear" and once again he smiles.

"Uh huh" I answer, but I'm not really paying attention.

My eyes are sliding over the room, in search of you. When I spot you, just sitting there and talking to some girls, I just can't seem to let my eyes watch anything else. I constantly think about what happened this morning.

_Kiss me like you love me._

Do you want me to love him? Do you want me to hold him when you cry and whisper everything is alright? Because if that's what you want, then everything is already okay.

"You're really a good brother, Kaoru" I look up surprised at that comment.

"I mean, how you are always looking out for Hikaru. You're always looking at him" Tamaki laughs a little.

"Yeah…" I reply thoughtfully.

If that is what makes a brother a good brother, I guess I'm a good brother. I don't believe I am though. I'm the worst brother you could have. I'm the worst person in the world. I locked you up; I forced you to stay with such a horrible person as me. It must've been awful; it must've nearly killed you. I'm not a good brother; I'm the brother that deserves to be alone.

"I wish I could have someone like you have Hikaru and like he has you."

"Yeah…" I say again.

"You sound like Mori-senpai."

"Yeah… Uh! I mean: sorry."

Tamaki laughs.

"Just hurry up and go to him" he says.

"He doesn't like that" I answer.

"Huh?" now it's his turn to look up surprised.

"I mean, he doesn't like it when I just crawl back to him every second like I can't do anything on my own" I try to explain.

"Ah, I see…" but I don't believe he truly understands.

No one can understand. Even I don't understand. I used to, but now I don't get anything anymore.

"But I guess it is okay. Since it's the Host Club, he'll be okay with it."

And then I walk to you and you look up, but you're avoiding my gaze.

"Kaoru!" you say and your smile widens.

"Hikaru…" I say, but to me it didn't sound that convincing as it did years ago.

"I was just telling them how happy I am that you're alright again!" It hurts, because I know you're lying. You must be lying.

"I see…" I answer, but quickly add: "it's all because you took such good care of me."

And the lying continues. Endless, further, more, just endless. We forgot about the truth, we killed honesty. They can't find out what you're doing to me, which is all that still matters.

I just want to be with you. That is all that still matters.

"Now, now, don't just stand there!" you laugh.

"Ah… Sorry…" and I sit down next to you, smiling.

Like a reflex you put your arms around me and pull me a little closer. I completely stiffen at first, but relax when you just tenderly hold me.

Ah, that's right. This is the Host Club. Everything is fine now. You'll act like you love me here. You'll act like everything is alright here. Nothing changed here. In here we are still Kaoru and Hikaru, those two twin brothers who were nearly in love. Here we are, still the same.

I lay my head on your shoulder, so delicate, so loving. I close my eyes and listen how you tell the girls I must be so tired from all the pain. Pain is exhausting. Yes, it definitely is. They answer that it's okay for me to sleep a little. I give them a calculated, yet heartwarming smile and they make that terrible noise again.

You caress the back of my head, you fingers run through my hair and I close my eyes again. I rest my head against you chest and I can feel your heart beating. Still beating, still beautiful. Up and down, up and down. The calming and soothing movement, the soft and loving sound of your heartbeat, somehow makes me believe things aren't that bad as they are now. Somehow, they make me believe my own lie.

I'm sure you don't know, but every time after you fall asleep, I force myself up, just to look how you are sleeping, just to see your chest slowly move up and down, just to imagine like times were before, when I watched you sleep and you slept because you knew I'd watch over you. I was your Guardian Angel, you were my love. Everything was fine back then. Everything was so right back then.

We never cared about the world. We never cared about the world who said this love was wrong. We only cared about each other. We were the only thing that mattered.

It's not wrong to want that back, right? It's not wrong to be scared of losing that. It's not wrong to give everything you have, even your body, even your soul, just to keep that. It's not wrong that I want to keep you here.

Here, with me.

Here, so close that I can hear your heartbeat. Here, so close that I can see every detail of your body. Here, so close that I can feel your breathe on my cheek. Here, so close that I can make myself believe we are really one.

No, I'll never believe that is wrong. That can't be wrong. And if this is what I need to do for that… I will withstand the pain; the heartaches, the lies, everything and I'll continue living.

"Kaoru…?"

"Hm?" I answer, opening one eye.

"Do you want some cake, too?" I hear a girl ask.

I almost forgot we were still in the Host Club, so for a few moments I stare puzzled at her.

"Oh… yeah… Sure" I finally say then.

I push myself back up and take the piece of cake she gives me with a smile. I don't really feel like eating cake, I really don't get what makes it so delicious. Honey must be weird for liking cake so much. If it was up to me, she could put her cake in a place I don't want to name and I would fall asleep against your shoulder once more.

But, oh well, Kyouya would kill me if I say something like that and you would probably look weird as well. So, for now I'll just pretend a little longer. I'll just fake a little longer. Just to see the end one day. Just to be with you like we were before.

* * *

Starlight shines through my window, lighting up my bed. I stare at the wall, just staring, just existing. I don't know why, but after the Host Club activities you didn't say anything to me anymore. You just treated me like air, like I didn't exist. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, but somehow all I seem to remember is that single kiss is the shower this morning. All I hear are your words, the way you begged me. All I can remember is the way how you were Hikaru again.

_Kiss me like you love me._

I do love you. I really do. That's why I'm still here, enduring this pain.

_Stop me. Please stop me._

Stop what? Stop the way you hurt me? Stop what you are doing? How can you ever expect me to stop you?

_I want you to love me._

But I love you! I love you! I… I really…

I look around, and somehow everything reminds me of you. We have separated rooms now, since our parents thought that it was wrong for two boys to still sleep together at our age.

If they only knew… I wonder how they would react. Mother will be disgust, I'm sure and father… he'll just go crazy. He'll punish Hikaru for sure. He'll be disgust beyond words. And they wouldn't understand. They would never understand why I never told them. They would never understand that I love my twin. That I just really, honestly, purely, want to be with him, above everything else.

They'll never understand that even this is alright just because he is here. I'm sure I can leave if I want. I'm sure I could tell if I want. I'm sure I could stop this if I only wanted…

But I don't want to. Because I'm too afraid we'll be separated if I do. I'm too afraid of losing you. I'm so afraid my chest becomes so tight and my voice dies when someone asks. I'm so afraid of being left behind that I can't do anything anymore. I can't think straight, I can't reason, I can't function like a normal person should. I'm just too afraid. So deathly, deathly afraid of losing you.

The door slowly opens.

"Kaoru…" I hear.

"Hikaru" I answer, as the door closes again.

Without a further word I start undressing myself. It's better if I do it myself. It's better if my clothes don't get ripped. I can't stop you anyway.

"Don't..." you suddenly say.

"Huh?" my hands are on the sides of my boxers, but I quit my movement and look at you.

"I didn't…" you look away and the moon shines its beautiful light on you. "I didn't come for that… So… you can… keep… keep your clothes on…"

"Oh…" I say, "Okay."

I don't get it. If it was not for that, then why did you come? Did I do something wrong during the Host Club and are you going to punch me now? Are you going to start beating my life out of nowhere?

I cautiously watch how you approach me. You only have your boxers on as well, but that's not really something abnormal so I don't really notice. It's pretty warm for a night. You slowly walk up to me and place yourself next to me on the bed.

"Why did you come then?" I hear myself asking, and immediately I want to disappear.

But the usual hit keeps out. The insults, the pain, it all stays away. You just look out the window and you softly say: "I just wanted to be with you. Should I… should I leave?"

"No, it's okay" I smile.

We keep silent for a while. In the past, we could sit hours and hours just next to each other, without a word being said. Well, if it wasn't too boring, we could. We already knew what the other was thinking, so there was no need to say. It was so simple back then. What I was thinking was immediately what you were thinking too. We were one. One and the same. We were one soul, put in two bodies. God must've made a mistake while creating us, because he divided one into two. God must be a stupid person for doing that to us. I don't believe in God anyway. I don't believe in anything, I guess. We never did. We just thought it was boring and a waste of time.

"Kaoru…"

I don't look up.

"Yes?"

Silence for a while.

"Do you like kissing?"

I look stunned for a few moments. I don't know how to react on your sudden state of… vulnerability. Suddenly, you look like a confused teenager, who has done something terribly wrong and tries to make up for it. I can't help it, but immediately I think about this morning, about that desperate look in your eyes, about the way you were **begging **me to stop this.

"That… depends… I guess" I answer after a while.

I don't tell you I'm disgust by what you've done to me. I don't tell you that when you press your lips on mine, without thinking of me, without realizing I'm a living being, it hurts. I don't tell you I used to cry for hours and hours because you took my kisses so brutally, because you destroyed my pure love. I don't tell these things and for the first time you won't know.

"Do you like kissing me?" your hands clench around the blanket and your shoulders stiffen, but you still don't look at me.

I can feel your embarrassment; I can almost see your cheeks flush.

"I do" I answer without thinking, and I sound surprisingly convincing.

"Can I… can I kiss you then?" and your voice becomes softer and softer.

I don't know why you start with asking that now. I think it's too late now. I don't want it to be too late, but I can't help the way I feel. I can't tell you I'm afraid, I can't tell you I don't want to be fucked like a toy. Yes, fucked. Just forced to, used, like a toy, a piece of shit. I'm nothing to you. This body of mine holds no value of all.

If you want to fuck me, just do it already. Don't make this worse. Don't pretend like you love me. I know, I just know it's a lie! It hurts, it hurts so much! I know you don't really care.

Why would you care now when you didn't care before?

"If that is what you want" I answer, tired of lying, tired of pretending.

You slowly turn around and bring your face closer to mine. You're still avoiding my eyes, as yours are lingering on my lips. Suddenly, I feel awkward and some kind of… embarrassed, but it's not like before. It's not like those times you just kissed me because you wanted to, without thinking of what I could possibly feel. This time… I… I think I want you…

I think I want you to kiss me.

I think I want you to kiss me, because you love me. I think I want to believe that tonight it ended and we could start again. I forget about the way I denied and disbelieved the purity of your words about a minute ago. I will forget about everything.

I will believe you love me. If that is what you want me to believe, I'll believe it, even when there's a part of me that screams, burns, fights, yells that I shouldn't let this happen. It doesn't matter. I'll ignore the pain, I'll disregard that part of me.

I'll let you trick me; I'll let you heal my heart even when all you will do is crushing it again. I'll let you take over my mind; I'll let you drug me.

I'll give you everything I have.

Please, Hikaru, be careful with that. My soul can't take much more. Please, Hikaru, if there is even one small, hidden, tiny part inside you that cares about me, take care of what's left of me. Don't play with my heart. Don't play with my mind. Heal it or destroy it, just don't lie to it.

You softly press your lips against mine, so soft, so… so loving. You wrap your arms around me, so gently and pull me a little closer. I don't know how to react; I don't know what to do, so I just sit there, while you kiss me.

Please Hikaru, love me back. Be gently with this insecure, confused boy.

I think I gave you a clumsy kiss back, but I'm not sure, because something is taking over my mind. Something is intoxicating my body. Something warm, something healing, something that feels like love is making me forgot about the world. I think I must've opened my mouth a little and I think you slid your tongue inside my mouth.

And… I… I think I like it. I think I like this more than I could ever imagine.

You slowly back away from me and I can see your smiling.

"Hikaru…" I whisper, while gasping for air. "Hikaru…"

You look up. I feel my heart racing faster and faster. Faster, faster, like it's going to explode. Faster, faster, like it found a new reason for beating. Faster, faster, so fast I think it isn't possible.

"Hikaru" I say again, not knowing why I'm repeating your name over and over again.

I just don't get this. Everything is so… so wrong, so confusing, and just so different. It was so much easier when you were just beating me, just telling me to die already. It was so much easier when I didn't feel anything. It was so much easier when I was already dead.

A desperate feeling suddenly wells up. A feeling that tells me to kiss you again, to not let this end. Oh, please, don't let this. Let this single moment, these minutes, this night, let it last forever. Forever and ever. Don't let me say anything wrong; don't make me ruin everything again.

Love me, oh, please, Hikaru, love me! Love me back and I won't ask anything more! Kiss me because you love me! Make love to me because I want that too! Put your knife away, forget about pain, and just love me. Love me forever, let the world stare.

My breath goes even faster, and it stings, it hurts. Suddenly, somehow, for some reason I can't explain, I feel better and so much worse then I ever did before.

"Kaoru" you answer and your smile widens a little. "That feels good, doesn't it?"

And I only nod, unable to say something.

It's like you pulled the trigger, it's like you made me cross a line. It's like you made me feel again, so I can finally realize how much this hurt. It's like that for all those times I laid there, numb; I start to feel the pain now.

And it hurts; it hurts so much that I can't take. I can't take this.

"Should I do it again?"

"If… If you want to…" I find myself answering, but this time I'm…

I just don't know. I just don't know whether I want you to kiss me or not. I don't know. Maybe I'm still afraid.

"Do you want me to?" I can feel your breath against my cheek.

"I…" I start, but I don't know how to end. "I don't know…"

Silence. Just silence. Just terrible, painful silence. I think I said something wrong. I think you didn't want to hear that. Your embrace loosens and you back down a little more. Your eyes are focusing on the ground. Everything feels so awkward and… painful. The air is filled with something I can't explain. You slowly get up.

"I'll be going then and let you sleep."

You slowly walk up to the door. My eyes widen as I watch you leave. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to just walk away and ignore. You can't give someone heaven and then just leave! You can't leave me here, because I need you.

I need you. Please just know. Know me, love me.

"Goodnight, Kao-"

I don't know how it happened. I don't know why I did that. I don't know what ever got into to me for doing that. It's probably because I need you here with me so badly, because I'm so desperate.

But there we stand. Our lips pressed together. My one hand around your neck, my other sliding over your body. My tongue sliding in your mouth. My body pressing yours against the wall.

There we are.

My heart races like hell, even faster. My eyes are closed, to afraid to see your expression. I press my body closer, closer, and** closer**, to yours, **closer**. Without thinking, without reasoning my hands are everywhere on your body.

I feel the pain ripping me apart.

With every inch my hands slides over your body, I kill myself more. With every second I kiss you, I hate myself more. I tear my own heart apart, just to keep you here. I feel my shoulders shake, I feel my eyes becoming warm, wet. I can't breath and I think I'll suffocate and die, just drop dead in your arms, but I don't try to step back and breathe. I'm too afraid of letting go, to afraid that you might walk away and leave me alone. I want you to stay and for that purpose I'll give everything.

It doesn't make sense to me, but still I'm desperately touching, kissing, doing everything I'm so disgusted of.

Desperately, I just hold onto you, as if it is the only thing that can keep you here. I hate myself, I detest myself, I'm making myself sick, but it doesn't matter. I feel tears burning, begging to fall, but I don't let them. I just want this little amount of happiness, that little glimpse of heaven, to last. I tremble and I feel how you refuse to react. A part of me hopes that you will just push me to the ground, rip my clothes of my body and take me. Just make the pain so bad that I can't think. If the pain gets worse enough, I'll at least know where I stand.

You suddenly push me away, a bit rough, but not in a way like you really want to hurt me. I stumble back and fall over my own feet, my head hitting the floor. It hurts, but I don't say anything. I just get up and stare at the ground.

Please stay.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what will make you stay; I just don't know how to keep this moment. So I just use the only thing I know. My body, my pain. My heart, my soul.

Take it all, Hikaru. Rip it apart, break it, and smash it into thousand pieces. If you don't need my heart, I don't need it either. Kill me, hurt me, and make me scream. If you don't need my love, I don't want it either. If it's nothing to you, I can't live with it.

End this. End this all.

"What…" the bewilderment readable in your eyes. "What do you think you were doing?"

I think I'm desperate. I think I'm insane. I think I can't think anymore. You can't expect me to think on a moment like this. Don't just give people everything; don't just tell them you love them, just to take it all away afterwards.

Please, don't be so cruel. I can't take it.

"Don't leave" I gasp, my chest moving up and down so fast, but I can't breath.

And finally I told you what I wanted to say for years. Don't leave. Just don't leave me. Do everything with me that you can imagine, maim my body, rip apart my heart, but just don't, **don't** leave.

I can't think. I can't breath. I can't reason. I just want that moment to last. I just want you back. I just don't want to be hurt anymore. I want things to be like they were; I want to be able to live without fear, without pain. I just want this pain to end. I… I…

"**DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!**" I suddenly yell and I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks.

I'm trembling all over and suddenly my legs give in and I collapse on the ground. I bury my head in my hands, trying to control myself, to at least hold that little bit of dignity I have left. It just doesn't work. Tears stream down, fall, slide and I can only gasp for air, sobbing and crying. I shut my eyes closed, as to fight the pain, to make it disappear, but it stays. It doesn't end. It just hurts, and it drives me insane. I can't take this.

I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I'm not that untouchable as I want to be.

I'm just human.

"Kaoru?! What's wrong?!" I feel you embracing me, but it only makes it worse.

Everything is wrong. Nothing is right. It hurts. Someone, please save me, I'm dying. I'm dying on this icy floor, while the moon just shines. I'm going insane, I'm losing everything that is me. I need you here now, I really **need **you to be with **me.**

It doesn't make sense that you even have to ask what's wrong; it doesn't make sense that I let you embrace me when the source of this persistent pain is you. It doesn't make sense, but it doesn't change.

We continue to live in this wrong, wrong, painful world, because we can't escape. No one can save us.

There are no Angels watching over us. There is no God. There is nothing in this world except you, me and pain. Pain caused by you, pain caused by my own weaknesses.

We can't escape.

"I want you back… Hikaru… I… I…" and I continue to sob, to cry, to gasp, to tremble uncontrollably.

I'm afraid, I'm sick, I'm wrong, I'm thousand things and I can't stop. I can't stop myself; I can't hold myself back any longer. I can't just hold this inside. I can't tell myself I don't care. It hurts. It hurts.

We can't be saved.

"Kaoru… Kaoru…" and I feel how helpless you are.

I feel, because I've been helpless all this time. I feel, and it hurts.

We can't be stopped.

"What can I do, Hikaru?! What do I have to do! I… I just want you here. I love you Hikaru!" I bury my head in your naked chest, feeling the warmth of your body.

I can hear your heart beating.

And I only cry more. More, more, more. It just doesn't stop. Now it finally started, the only person who could stop it is probably going to leave. You don't care, you can't care. There is no way you actually care. We aren't like we used to be anymore. You are you and I am me, a person far away from you. A person who's life holds no value.

"Kaoru… Please don't…"

End this.

"Just make it stop, Hikaru!" I cry, "Just make this pain stop!"

End everything.

My fingernails sink in your body, but not enough to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you.

"Make it stop…" I beg.

"Kaoru!" you tighten your grip on me, hug me close.

"Hikaru… make it stop… make it stop… It hurts" and my heartbreaking cries fill the room, my desperate whispers fill your ears.

Save me. Don't let me die tonight. Please be there for me this one time I need you. Please love me.

Make me believe.

Your arms hold me close and I feel how you softly caress my head. Your fingers run through my hair and you gently press a kiss on my forehead.

"I'll make it stop. I promise."

You gently wipe away the tears. For a moment you wipe away the pain.

"Hikaru…" I pull your head to mine and kiss you.

I don't know why I keep doing that. Maybe it's because everyone always says kissing is a sign of love. You only share your kisses with the person you love. It's like an oath, like promising someone to look after them.

Then why does it hurt this much? Why is this killing me?

Please make me understand.

Tears fill up my eyes again, but I pull you even closer, I deepen our kiss even more. I want you to disappear in me. I want to be in love with you. I want to be happy.

You kiss me back and hug me even closer, your hands gently caressing my body. It's so different that it hurts. It's so different that is confuses me. But I think I somehow like it.

This is how it's supposed to be, isn't it? This is how love should be. This is how it should feel when you kiss me. This is how I want things to be forever. This is the way you are, and the way you always were.

Love me, Hikaru. Please love me, even if it is for just this once.

"Kaoru…" you say, gasping for air as you pull away.

I think the desperation is readable in my eyes, or maybe you just care too much, but you smile and say: "Don't do this just because you want me to stay. Don't hurt yourself like that."

"Hikaru…" I feel tears coming again.

Hurting me is the only way to make you stay. If I stop hurting myself, this will end. If I stopped you, I'm sure you will leave.

It's the only way. There is no other choice.

"Come," you say, standing up and reaching your hand out for me.

I slowly grab your hand and you pull me up. I don't want to talk. I can't understand. I just feel so tired, so tired. I just want to collapse and close my eyes, without thinking of opening them again. It doesn't matter, just let me sleep. Just let me forget. Just let the pain end.

Oh, please, let the pain end. Let it end.

"Let's sleep a little" your smile one of those gentle, loving smiles. "You must be tired."

"Don't leave when I'm sleeping…" I beg.

"I won't. Tonight I'll stay with you."

Don't **ever **leave me, Hikaru.

We slowly walk to my bed, your hand leading me, because I can't move on my own anymore. I'm just blindly following you, just walking in your footsteps, just doing what I always do.

You gently push me on the bed and lay down beside me. Without thinking, like a reflex I turn around, to face you and wrap my arms around you. You smile to me, just like you used to. You push yourself up, leaning on one elbow as you smile to me and say: "you're beautiful."

"No, I'm not" I answer, being more honest about myself then I ever was before.

"I think you are" you smile.

I slowly shake my head.

"I'm too different from you to be beautiful" and I close my eyes again, hurt by my own words.

You're free hand moves over my scar stained body.

"Then I'll say it differently."

"Hikaru...?"

"To me, you are the most beautiful person in the world."

"T… Thank you…" I say with some kind of awkward nervousness.

You laugh and lean over me, your face above me. I immediately freeze again, too many pictures of before flashing through my head.

"Kaoru?"

I try to keep telling myself this is different. It ended! Everything ended! You promised me. You said, you promised that it would stop today. You promised me it was alright. But I can't help to feel scared, to feel… disgust and ashamed. So ashamed.

"I'm… sorry…" I whisper, staring in your brown eyes.

"It's okay. Everything is okay now…" you promise me again and kiss me cheek.

"Hikaru…"

"Yes?"

"If… I… if I…" I can barely say what I want to say.

"What is it?" you say, with the sound of endless patience in your voice. The way your voice sounded before, when I tried to voice the things you probably already knew, but I thought shouldn't be left unsaid.

"If I… If I ask you to kiss me… Will you leave it by that?" I feel my body burning, my cheeks color completely red and I'm ashamed. I'm so terribly ashamed of asking this.

How can I possibly want you to kiss me, after all what you did? How can I possible trust you enough to give you a part of my body, without being afraid that you'll take it all?

I guess it's because I love you. Because I still love you, more then anything in the whole world.

"If that is what you want" you smile.

I nod insecure. Those three kisses we shared before… in the shower and that kiss in my room… it felt so… I can't even start to explain. It just wasn't wrong. It just didn't hurt me in that way. It made me feel a little.

Feeling is living. I want to live. I want to be like I was before.

"Kaoru…"

I look up, and I see you lower your face a little, still leaning over me.

"I love you."

And once more, my eyes fill with tears. I want to keep this image for ever. You, leaning over me in the pale moonlight, lightening up your features, and that smile on your beautiful lips when you tell me what you just said.

"I… I love you too, Hikaru…"

I never saw anything more beautiful in my life. I never felt more in my whole life. Right now, nothing matters. I'll forget about everything you did to me. I'll forget about the pain.

I'll remember love.

And then we kiss, and we fall in love a little more.

* * *

Well, I read in a review somehow wanted some hope... So I thought I'd do something like this. Well, 'hope' may not be the right word XD But real hope isn't possible in their situation, I guess XD I hope this chapter made up for the really dark content of my story. XD Ah, also, if Kaoru is contradicting himself in this chapter or next chapters, please don't be annoyed by it. He's just really confused and I'm trying to put that down.

And... I'm sorry that's it's so long! XD I just started writing and couldn't stop anymore! 22 pages in Word (h) Yay! Well, I hope you loved the chapter.

_Please review!_

**Credits to Hoenn:**

Well, as always, she took away the stupid spelling mistakes made by me! And she also had the idea of the shower. Well, she said Kaoru could reflect on the things that happened and then I came up with that... evil? good? idea to let Hikaru step inside. You know the rest! Yay! XD


	5. Betrayal

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter Five: Betrayal**

I think I laid here for hours. I think I don't want to move a muscle, but just look at your face, in the yawning sunlight, slowly peeking over the edge of the world. I think I want to look at that peaceful smile, lingering around your perfect, small lips.

I think I want to stay by your side, with nothing wrong, nothing to be scared of. I just want to remember how beautiful, flawless, perfect, peaceful you are when your sleeping.

"Hikaru…" I softly whisper. "Hikaru?"

"Hmmm" you mutter back, moving a little, still keeping your eyes closed.

"We should go to school" I say, careful caressing your hair.

"I don't want to go to school" You simply answer.

"But…" I don't want to say I already missed so much of class because I always have to stay home when you beat me up too badly, that I don't want to miss more.

"I want to be with you" you open one eye and smile. "Alone."

"Hi… Hikaru!" I say again, not sure whether I'm embarrassed or scared.

"Let's stay home"

"Okay… If that is what you want…" I say and let myself fall on the bed again.

You stay still for a while as you hide your face between my shoulder and my neck, pressing a soft kiss on my cold skin. I don't react too much. I'm afraid that if I react too much, you will push it further. I'm afraid that if I don't react enough, you'll get mad and this magic will break.

We are living in a broken dream, trying to pick up the shards that have been scattered all over, trying to restore what we shattered. We know we can't find all the pieces, we know we can't repair, but still we try. Because we love. Because I love you, and you say you love me too. We are living in our own world. We are following our own rules. We always did and we will continue until it breaks us.

Until we admit that it broke us.

I can't escape. I always told myself I can escape if I want to, but I don't think I'm able to. Not after this. I don't know when this fairytale will end. I don't know when you'll start stabbing me, tying me up, forcing me to do things I don't want to again. I don't know when I will destroy everything by a simple word, a simple look, an unconscious gesture. I don't know. But I do know that I love you and I'm trapped anyways. There is nothing I can do to escape.

I can't because I don't want to. I don't want to because I know I can't. I know I can't because I need you. I need you because I love you. I love you because you are you.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes?"

"I changed my mind."

"Oh?" I don't move a single muscle, but I feel fear spreading.

"You go to school. I'll stay here."

"Alone?" I answer, still not moving.

"It's okay. Just go to school. You… missed too much already. And… I think you…" you trail off a little and I wait.

After a while you softly continue: "you'll probably want to say everyone goodbye before you transfer."

Ah, that's right. Only four days left, including this one. Today is Tuesday. I still didn't say anything to anyone. I'm just afraid that they will react badly, just afraid that they will go ask and ask and ask about it. And then I'll lie and lie and lie. Every, single time and again. I will never be honest, because then I'll betray you.

By lying, I am loyal to you. You are the only one who has the power to stop this, to tell what to think, to tell me what to do. You are the only one.

"I don't really mind…" I answer. "It's not like they won't manage without me. But if you want me to go, I'll go."

I slowly get up, but right before I turn around to put on my clothes, you grab my arm and pull me back to you. Completely caught off guard, I lose my balance and fall on the bed again, my face only a few inches separated from yours. I lay half on you and I give you a shy, apologizing smile: "Sorry…"

"Don't worry" you say, my wrist still caught in your grip.

"Hikaru…" I say awkwardly. "I'm… I'm going to be late for school…"

"Do you remember, Kaoru?" you suddenly say, your eyes staring seriously at me.

"Remember what?" I ask, swallowing the fear away.

"Our promise." You close your eyes and suddenly open them again. "Until death do us part, Kaoru. You know what that means, right?"

"Yes, I do" I answer reassuring, but I don't think I'm getting what you try to explain.

"If you leave me, Kaoru…" you shake your head. "No, if you **try **to leave me, I'll find you."

Silence.

"And I'll kill you."

Silence.

"I won't leave you."

Silence.

"If you tell anyone…"

"I won't."

"Good."

And in silence I get up, get dressed and leave for school.

* * *

"Good mornin', Kaoru!" Haruhi greets me in her usual manner and I give her a small smile back and mutter something back.

"Where is Hikaru?" she asks, walking to the class with me.

"Oh… he's ill today, but he'll probably be better, tomorrow" I tell her.

"Ah, okay" she answer.

We keep silent for a while, just walking through the endless halls.

"It's weird to think that even for you there are things you don't do together. I mean, I always thought you guys would be ill together, too."

And I don't tell her that we used to get ill at the same time. I don't tell her that we never even caught a cold without the other having it too. I just smile and lie to her that it is only normal that such a thing doesn't happen at the same time.

I lie to her, just one more time. I give her one more fake smile. And she doesn't notice, once more.

Then classes start. They are boring and I can't concentrate. All I can think of is you, about the way you so suddenly changed. I really want to believe everything is normal again and when the bruises fade and my broken bones heal for real, I will forget, but I can't seem to believe myself. I know this is only a period, just a thing you feel like doing, I know this will break.

This is the kind of happiness that is meant to break. But still… can anyone blame me for wanting to live in such happiness?

Even if it will break sooner or later, even if things will only hurt more after that, I won't regret. I won't regret believing you once more. Even when I know that when you'll hit me the next time I'll only feel more betrayed and the knife you stabbed into my back will only be pushed deeper. But it doesn't matter.

I'm an idiot anyway, so I guess I can't help believing in such a breakable reality.

The lessons pass before I notice. I didn't catch even a little of what all those teachers have been telling me, but as long as they didn't notice, it is okay. They should be used to it by now.

When classes end, I walk to the Host Club together with Haruhi.

"Kaoru…" she starts talking after some time.

"Yes?" I look at her and she smiles a little.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" she looks straight at me, her eyes filled with something that makes me nervous.

"I… I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Do you really believe we buy it that you fell? Every, single day again? Just how much time do you have to fall then?" she shakes her head and her eyes become a little troubled.

"It's not what you think" I say and look away from her. "I'm fine. I'm really fine."

"Kaoru…"

"No, really. You can't understand. You just don't get it. You think you know me and I'm thankful that your put your time in thinking about me and even worrying about me, but I'm really fine" I sigh and start walking a little faster.

I can feel her eyes burning into my back. I can feel her frustration. She can't understand. She never will. She thinks I'm a fool.

"Kaoru… How come Hikaru is never hurt? You're the same, right? Then how come you're so clumsy you always fall and he never does? That is contradicting right?" she runs a little, just to keep up.

"I'm fine, really!" I yell at her, suddenly.

She swallows and looks caught off guard for a second.

"Just be careful…" she sighs. "I'm not the only one who **knows **you're not as alright as you say."

She keeps silent for a while.

"Are you parents abusing you?" she suddenly asks.

"My… parents?" I repeat surprised.

She never thought Hikaru was doing those things to me? Or is she just trying to trick me so I tell her you were the one who did it all?

"Yes" she answers back.

"No…" I say and role with my eyes in disgust. "I'm fine. Just believe that already!"

I clench my fists. Just three more days. After that, everything will be alright. No one will ask, no one will wonder. I just have to keep them on a distance for three more days. Just today and then three days, so everything is alright. I'll just deny and lie to them for four days and then I can leave.

Haruhi doesn't say anything anymore. I can feel she's troubled, but Haruhi is a smart girl. If it's obvious someone doesn't want to talk about something, she'll probably not ask any further. I just hope Our Lord didn't notice anything. He's a fool, so he'll ask further. Even when I ignore him.

The doors to the Host Club open. Kyouya looks up from his laptop and asks: "Is Hikaru absent today?"

"Uh, yes… he was ill" I tell him. "Caught a cold or something..."

"Oh, I see. Well then, try your best to entertain our customers without him."

"Yeah… I'll try my best" I smile.

I hope from the bottom of my heart, Kyouya doesn't know anything. He probably won't talk with me about it, but you never know. I walk over to the place where my clothes are and pick them up. Suddenly, I feel dizzy and I shut my eyes, leaning on a chair, preventing myself from falling. My heart races and my lungs hurt.

"Are you okay?" a calm voice asks.

"Y-Yeah… I'm alright" I say and force myself to pick the clothes up and smile to Kyouya.

The world turns and just standing is difficult, but I force myself to act like everything is normal. I shake my head a few times, thinking that maybe that will help.

"You could just go sit down until you're feeling better" I hear Kyouya say calm.

"Kao-chan! Kao-chan! Are you ill as well?!" the little blonde runs to me and clings to my leg. "You should rest if you're not feeling well!"

I think he's just scared that I'll collapse again.

"I'm fine… Honey-senpai…" I say and my own voice hurts my head.

"Really?!"

I feel strong hands pushing me on a chair nevertheless. I slowly look up and vaguely recognize Mori-senpai, a glimpse of sympathy on his face, breaking through the ever so calm and reserved smile.

"Really… I'm fine…" I mutter.

"You don't look fine" I think that's Tamaki's voice, but I'm not sure. "You haven't looked well for months now."

I close my eyes and beg, hope, pray that they won't start asking what is wrong again. Just four days, I don't need more.

"I'm fine…" I repeat again. "I'll go change clothes now."

I get up and even if the world still turns like mad, I walk away from them. I hope they won't start asking. They wouldn't understand anyway. No one can understand. They didn't understand us when we were young and they might've tried to, but they never will be able to. People are too dumb to understand. If you don't love someone like I love Hikaru, it's impossible to understand.

I hear soft footsteps and I look up. It's just Kyouya and I'm not sure what he's doing, but I'm sure it's something that needs to be done. Kyouya probably doesn't care, even if he knows there is something wrong. It's not affecting his business, so he won't do anything.

I cough and feel my lungs burning. I stumble a few steps further, but then feel my legs give in. I try to grab something that can keep me standing, but I fail miserably and find myself lying on the floor seconds after.

I close my eyes for a moment and feel the cold, cold floor freezing my muscles. A sigh leaves my lungs and I try to get up again.

"Are you okay?" a calm voice asked, which I identify as Kyouya's.

"Y-Yeah… I'm fine…" I mutter.

He smiles and reaches his hand out to me. For a second I just stare dumbfounded at his hand, as if I don't realize what he's doing.

"Ah, I'm… I'm really okay… I can… get up by myself" I say, but as soon as I try I just fall again.

He just keeps smiling in his usual 'I told you so'-manner and I give him a pathetic grin. I grab his hand and he pulls me up. Just on the moment I want to let go of his hand, his other hand flies to my sleeve and he quickly rolls it up.

I stare at him and my eyes widen in shock as I try to break free of his grip. He looks at my arm, studying the now revealed wounds and scars and his voice sounds unusually soft when he asks: "do you call that fine?"

"I… I just" I laugh nervous as I try to come up with an excuse: "I just fell..."

And I can feel his cold stare when he doesn't believe me.

"I saw enough wounds of people who fell, Kaoru, and this is not one of those wounds. Those are made by cutting, by hitting. Don't tell me you're fine, because I know you're not."

I bit my lip and try to break free, to get out, to run away and never come back to this place again. My mind races at a record speed, while I'm desperately trying to find an excuse, just something to make this end.

"It has nothing to do with you!" I hear myself saying desperately, almost begging; begging to let this end.

"I think that when one of my friends gets hurt, it automatically has something to do with me!" he retorts, but his eyes still stand emotionless.

"I'm not your friend" I bite back and immediately regret that. I tug my arm back and almost fall again while doing that.

He stays silent for a while, but I can't tell what he's feeling. I can never tell. I'm scared and I want to cry, to run away. I feel the world crashing, and everything I tried to hide for years is discovered in only seconds. It all went so fast I can barely understand.

And Kyouya just keeps silent.

"You… You really need some help, Kaoru…" he says after a while.

"It's alright. You don't understand, Kyouya" I sigh.

"I think I get that when you're abused by someone that you should leave him" he answers dryly.

"No, no, no. I **love** him, Kyouya. I really do. If he leaves me, or I leave him, I'll die. You can't possibly understand that. You don't know how much I love him" and I look away, not even knowing why I'm trying to explain.

"No. That's true" he admits. "But is this really okay with you? This isn't love either."

"No… But he's here" I feel tears welling up and I clench my fists. "He is still here with me."

"But for that you have to sacrifice everything. Is that really how you want your love to be?" he still sounds like he doesn't care.

"You don't understand!" I scream and the world starts turning again. "You really don't…"

If he only knew. If he only knew this is going on for years. I wonder what he'll say when I tell him you tied me up to the bed so many times, that you cut me so many times. I wonder how he'll think of me when I tell you that I can still say that I love you.

"Kaoru, I'm sure I can't understand what it means to have a twin brother and I can only start to imagine what kind of pain you went through, but I can tell you this: if you don't tell him he's wrong, he won't stop. If you don't tell him he crossed a line, he'll never step back. Don't let him kill you because you tell yourself you love him. That's wrong, Kaoru" and for the first time I hear how his voice becomes honestly worried.

As far as Kyouya can be honest and real about his feelings. I hate myself for thinking such thoughts, but I can't help it.

"You… you don't understand. I can't leave him" I smile a little from my own admit of defeat. "I just can't."

"Maybe it's the only way to get him back" he says and he looks down.

We keep silent for a while. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to go home and see Hikaru, while in the same time I'm afraid to death to do so. I'm a contradicting person. I always was and it only became worse. All I can do is saying 'yes', while I want to scream 'no'. All I can do is obey, without thinking.

"Just… think about it, okay?" he says and looks up again, like nothing ever happened. "I'll let you change then."

Without a further word he walks away. I sigh and get changed. It doesn't matter. Even if he knows… I'll be gone anyways.

It's cold outside. Freezing wind bites in every inch of flesh that isn't covered. Luckily, that isn't much by me. I have to cover every inch you scarred, so I've cover every inch of my body. Kyouya's words keep repeating in my head, over and over and over and over…

There is too much happening at once and I can't follow anymore. Things are changing too fast. I bit my lip and shiver, slowly walking home. I regret to tell our driver not to pick me up from school. It's not like our house is very far… but it's so cold. I wonder how it's even possible it's now so cold and yesterday so warm.

Yesterday…

Yesterday was everything. The future, the past, and the path we took after this long time of standing still helplessly. I don't know why it happened now, neither can I comprehend why it happened so fast, but one thing is sure. Things are changing. Things are changing again.

Once again there is going to happen, so different from before. I can feel it in my bones, frozen and chilled. I see it in the little, white clouds my breath makes, fighting against the cold outside. I know when danger is approaching, an intuitive 'sixth sense' I got from years and years of practicing. When you're walking on the line between death, fear and something called 'hope', you have to keep yourself alive by knowing how to act and which moments. If you don't teach yourself that, you will say something wrong, you will do something wrong and you will get hit as a punishment. You will be hurt even more.

Doing what they want is the best option. Just following, obeying. You have to forget about your human dignity, about your own feelings, about your own will, forget about yourself. You cannot survive if you don't. As long as you aren't just a toy, a lifeless object made for hurting, things will get unbearable.

It's okay… Even when I've become nothing more then a shell, everything is alright.

But still… The words Kyouya said are there, written in my memory, gnawing at the thin wall between holding on and completely collapsing. If I let you go, for sure, without doubt, my body will be better off… and maybe eventually my heart too. If I stay with you… then you might kill me. Maybe leaving you is really the only way to get you back.

But what does Kyouya know? He might be smart - smarter then anyone I've ever met or probably ever will meet - but he can't understand this. This is outside his world, in another dimension of thinking. People who aren't inside it can't understand what's happening in there, and people who are inside will never listen to those who live outside. He can't understand the meaning of living in your own world, all alone but not lonely.

Not lonely because there is that one, single person next to you, reaching out for you, taking your hand when you're about to fall. Not lonely because there are those identical eyes, staring back at you and knowing. Knowing who you are, without a word, without a sign.

He can't understand. No one can. Just when we were about to explore the world outside, we locked ourselves back again, more resolute then ever before. I think we were scared, both of us. Scared of the world, scared of the way we eventually had to separate. We are one and therefore we **cannot **be separated.

In the distance I can see our house appear. It no longer looks at home. It looks like an empty shell to me. I sigh and continue to walk. I hope Hikaru wasn't too bored today, or else he'll let out his steam on me. I hope he hasn't thought of any ideas to do to me either.

I mentally slap myself for thinking that and slow my pace without knowing. I'm a little hesitant and my pace goes slower and slower, until I'm standing still at the gates. I stare at the big building in front of me, thinking of the person who is there, waiting for me.

Run.

I could run now. I could turn around and run and never come back. I could just leave the pain behind, this broken dream, this shattered wish. I could leave it all.

No, that's not true.

I could never leave you.

I take a deep breath and make a decision. I will not leave you. I just can't. Even if Kyouya's words were the most right I've ever heard, I won't listen if that means I have to leave you. I take my key, unlock the gate, step inside and lock it again. I close my eyes for a moment, my forehead leaning against the cold iron bars.

For a moment I want to freeze there. To just drop dead, freeze like a statue. My hands close around the bars, feeling the cold bite and hurt. I loosen my grip, knowing that pain will be there soon enough anyway. I hate myself for thinking such things, but I can't help it. I take another deep breath, as to breathe in the courage people might've left in the air, and walk to the door. Another key open another door and I close it again behind me.

"Hikaru! I'm back!" I say out loud, not too loud to annoy him.

There is no answer.

I feel the hair in my neck standing upward and I drop my schoolbag on the ground.

"Hikaru?" I repeat.

Wrong. There is something wrong. This whole world is wrong anyway, but it feels different this time.

I quickly go upstairs. I smash open the door of your room, but you're not there. I think I heard a silent, hushed cry and it's coming from my room. I swallow and run to the door with my name written on it. I smash it open.

My eyes widen. My mouth open, but words don't come.

You look up. Hazily, distant. A knife pressed against the inside of your wrist. Blood dripping on the floor. A cut on your pale skin.

And eyes widen even more.

A smile. Small, lunatic smile plays around your lips.

"Hikaru!" I finally scream.

You push your knife in your flesh and full of horror, my eyes still widen, not comprehending what they are seeing I continue to stare. Blood drips over your wrist, sliding over your fingers, finding it's way to the ground. Your pants too, everything, is colored by blood.

My muscles refuse every sign of activity and I can only stare, see how you cut yourself. I'm not the only one who got hurt. I'm not the only one who suffers.

My breath goes faster and my eyes widen even more. Hands clench around fabric and I can hear a distant voice whispering something about deserving that, but I can't place it. I can only stare at the cut, slowly getting bigger by every inch you cut over.

The mirror in my room still stands there. You took the blanket that covered it away. You're staring at the mirror, your wrist twisted in such a way the mirror has a full view of the cut. Blood drips and falls.

I don't think I've ever been so scared, so afraid, so betrayed. This isn't fair.

If you can hurt me so much, why hurt yourself? The pain I feel must be enough to keep you save, to keep you warm. If it doesn't serve that purpose, what is there to it?

Have. To. Stop.

Hikaru.

Blood.

Stop too.

Blood. Make it stop.

Pain.

"Kaoru… Just… come back later…" I hear a whisper.

It tugs me back to reality, smashes the cold water of this world in my face, and makes me wake up from this terrible nightmare only to find the reality being just as cruel.

"**Hikaru!**" I scream again and finally I can move again.

I run to you and without thinking I snatch the knife out of your hands. Your face is so close to me and I can see how far gone you are.

"Hikaru! Hikaru!" I cry, dropping the knife to the ground. "Why? Why?!"

My pain should be enough. This miserable feeling, this endless pain, it should be enough. Our world has enough pain to survive with me being hurt. You shouldn't get hurt.

You should be safe.

"Kaoru…" your eyes fill with tears and you pull me close, in a tight, loving embrace.

I close my eyes, fight the tears, forbid the pain from taking over and embrace you back.

"It's alright now" I whisper. "It's really alright."

"You… You don't get it…" you whisper, your voice torn from the pain.

My T-shirt is soaking from your blood. I feel the warm liquid coloring my shirt and I jump up.

"Let's take care of that wound first!" I say, running to the bathroom.

I can feel your eyes in my back. My heart races and my eyes are dry. I can't swallow and I can't think straight. My hands rummage around in the little first aid kit standing in the bathroom, but I can't seem to find the right thing.

I'm not paying attention either. All I can see is you, sitting there, so lonely, so distant, and so different. All I remember is how you pressed that knife in your own skin, cutting your own wrist, hurting yourself. Tears are born, but I kill them before they fall. I finally find some disinfecting medicine and bandage.

I run back to you, kneel by your side and carefully clean your wound. Not a word is said.

Silence.

"Hikaru…"

"You don't understand" he says coldly. "Don't you… don't you think I **deserve **this?"

"Please hurt me instead" I hear myself asking, while I wipe away the blood.

"Kaoru! Don't say such stupid things!" your leg twitches and your good hand clenched around the fabric of your pants.

"It's not stupid, Hikaru. It's what I want. Please don't hurt yourself. Hurting me should be enough. You don't deserve the pain" I answer, and I feel new tears being born.

I must be stupid. I must be retarded. Who could actually want pain? Who could actually beg to be hurt?

If it's to take the pain in your stead, I'll do everything. I won't even regret asking this.

"Kaoru… Don't… Don't act like that" you bit back.

And you proceed after a short silence: "don't act like you love me."

The bandage tied around your arm.

"I'm not acting" I answer truthfully.

"Idiot!" you shout at me. "IDIOT!"

Your hand rises in the air, hitting my face. I fall backward, my head hitting the ground.

"How can you possibly say that after all I've done to you?!" Tears fall and you're yelling hysterically. "How can you think like that after all I've taken from you?"

I brace myself for the kicks and punches I think will follow.

"Just look at you… Just look at yourself, Kaoru! You're crawling on the floor, like an **animal!** Begging to be loved!"

But the punches don't come. The pain stays out.

I hear you picking up the knife and I gasp for air, knowing what will come next.

But it doesn't happen either.

"Get up!"

I slowly push myself up. Pain flashes through my body, the world turns and I fall on my face again.

"Get up I said!" a kick hits my side.

I force myself up.

"Sit down on the bed" you command.

And I do.

"Stay there."

And I don't move a single muscle as you return with a rope.

I keep myself from looking afraid.

"… Kaoru… Tie me up"

Silence.

"Do it."

I shake my head.

"I…"

I don't want to hurt you.

"I **deserve **the pain."

Don't say you deserve that just because you ruined my life. Don't say I have the right to hurt you, just because you forced yourself into me so many times, while I'm lying underneath you, no longer struggling to break free. Don't say this is not wrong because you've destroyed my heart.

"You don't."

"I destroyed everything! Everything, Kaoru!" Eyes wide; desperation sounds so real.

But I still don't move. I will never hurt you.

"You didn't destroy anything."

And I refuse to remember all those things you destroyed. I refuse to remember how you're destroying the most pure thing of all: love. I refuse to think about every single lie you told me, about every single cursed tear falling over my wounded cheeks, washing the blood away.

I only believe that love is worth it. Even when I know it doesn't sound that realistic or romantic anymore.

It's just stupid.

"Here" you hand over your knife to me.

I stare at it, my hand clenching around it. I bite on my lip and remain silent.

"Don't you hate me, Kaoru? Don't you hate me for everything I did? Kaoru… You can't be actually such a fool right?" I think you are begging me to hate you.

"I love you."

A hit in my face.

"Idiot!"

A fist in my stomach.

"Just how, **how **can you love a person like **me**?!"

Pushed against the bed.

"You can't be serious about that?! How can you still love me?!"

A muttered answer, from a person I don't know, using my voice and sounding determinate.

"Because you're my brother, Hikaru…"

Another slap on my face.

"Don't be so stupid! Don't sacrifice yourself for something as stupid as 'brotherly love'. It's an act! Just a stupid act! It's not real! We are not real! Nothing is!"

"It's not an act!" I suddenly bite back, with a courage that certainly can't be mine.

A stare. A confused, half satisfied and scared stare.

"I love you Hikaru!" the knife thrown away, "And that's real."

That's still real. It's stupid and it's killing me, but it's real. It's the only thing that's left.

Silence fills the room and you let yourself fall beside me.

"You're… really an idiot…"

I hear your empty laugh and I look in your empty eyes. You're so cold and empty it makes me want to cry, make me want to beg you to hurt me. If you hurt me, there is a slight flicker of emotion in your eyes. I don't know if it's pure happiness, the most sorrowful look I ever seen or maybe just the look of a monster in human form, but I know it's **something**.

"Hikaru…" I start to whisper. "It's alright."

I smile a little.

"It's alright if you hurt me."

I smile a little more.

"It's alright if you tie me up, make me bleed, stab your knife into me."

Sorrowful eyes widen a little.

"It's alright if you make me scream."

Sorrowful eyes widen a little more.

"It's alright if you use my body as your toy."

I'm lying underneath you now, not knowing why. Your eyes are wide and full of something I'd call anguish. Your hands shake around my shoulders. Your legs keep me from moving and I just stare at you.

"Everything is alright."

You close your eyes and throw your head in your neck. You sigh and I open my mouth again.

"Just shut up, Kaoru" you silence me. "Just… don't…"

"I'm sorry" I say, looking away.

"You **really** don't get this, don't you?" a desperate sigh.

"Just… How am I supposed to, Hikaru?" I say and gasp for air as I feel tears burning.

Don't want to cry. Don't want to make this worse. Don't want to make you feel like you're a bad person.

You're not. You're not a monster. You're not a bad person for doing this to me. You're just Hikaru.

"I love you" you suddenly say.

"I… I love you too" and I smile.

I don't think you do. I used to believe you did, I used to believe this would end and everything would be alright. Not every story has a happy ending. There is no such thing as a fairytale. There is no such thing as love. It's all just a lie, the one that we kept on believing in, desperately trying to hold on in this painful world. This isn't going to be alright just like this.

And every time you say you love me, I die a little more.

"Kaoru. I really love you" you repeat again.

"I really love you too" I hear myself answering.

"No! It's not that! That is why… why I'm…" you sigh.

"Hikaru…" I say, trying to sound normal even with the weight of your body on top of my chest.

"It doesn't matter" you suddenly change your attitude.

It does to me.

But that doesn't matter.

And once again, Kyouya's words repeat in my head, sounding louder and louder by every kiss you press on my skin.

* * *

The next day, we go to school together again. We're sitting in the car and I'm looking outside the window. I always liked looking outside when the car was driving, to look the things pass by, so fast, as a blur, gone before you know. Everything is only temporary. Everything always ends.

I used to believe everything ended someday too, but I don't believe this ever will.

"Kaoru…?

A hand caresses my upper leg and slides over the fabric of my pants.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

I swallow and try to act like I don't feel what you're doing. I hope the driver doesn't notice anything. It's not like he'll react or say anything, it's just… humiliating.

"Nothing" I hear you whisper in my ear.

Your other hand starts to fiddle with my tie. You shuffle closer to me and slide your hand over my body.

"Hikaru…" I whisper, as to stop you. "Don't…"

"But Kaoru…" wet, hot kisses in my neck, my cheeks. "I really want to."

"It's not far from school anymore" I whisper, trying to hide my disgust.

"It doesn't matter" a bite in my neck.

I twitch a little with my leg and try to get away. I only fight a little, too afraid that you might start hitting. You grab my wrists and kiss me on my lips. I mumble some kind of words of protest in your mouth, but you only use that opportunity to slide your tongue inside my mouth.

You unfasten my belt buckle and push me on the couch, still kissing me, your hands sliding over my body.

I try not to make a sound. It's weird and some kind of disgusting, but all I can think of is that I don't want anyone to see. Oh please, please don't let the driver see. Please don't let him hear the hushed sounds of beating in someone's face. Please don't let anyone outside this world know.

My clothes are half off. I can feel your hands sliding over my naked flesh and I hope you won't completely undress me before we're at school.

And immediately I'm disgust of the thought that's my only worry.

My brother is fucking me again and all I care about is that I don't want my uniform to wrinkle. I'm begging that no one will see. I'm sure our fan girls wouldn't be scared or disgust. But I'd be humiliated beyond words.

And Kyouya would…

My eyes widen.

I totally forgot about that. Suddenly I'm scared of facing him, of going to school, of pretending. Only two days left and I still didn't tell anyone about the fact I'm transferring. I can't tell anyone now. Kyouya would certainly search something behind that and then he'll look at me with that look, that attitude, writing all over him: 'I-told-you-so'. I know he's right, but I can't leave Hikaru.

I want to fake that I'm sick, but it's too late for that now. My heart races and my mind searches feverishly to a solution.

The car stopped. I don't know when it happened, but I suddenly hear a low voice saying: "We arrived, Kaoru-sama, Hikaru-sama."

Oh no, this is bad. We're at school and I'm lying on the back seat, underneath my own twin brother. My clothes are more off my body then still on and you don't stop.

"Hikaru!" I softly yell as to snap you back to reality.

"I know, I know" you kiss me a few more times before you start to dress me again.

You sit up again, run your hands through your hair and pull your clothes back in the right position. I'm just staring at you disbelieving as you open the door and step out. It takes a few seconds before I have the courage to get out as well.

Everything is weirdly awkward. I know no one will notice, but still… the wrinkles are just so obvious and my hair is messy and my tie is so untied it isn't appropriate and I'm so ashamed.

I'm just so ashamed. I hope –no, I beg- to not, please not, run into Kyouya. I can only imagine how he'll look like. I know I'm exaggerating and probably no one will notice some stupid wrinkle, but it just feels so wrong.

We walk to class together, you walking with your head up high, smiling to everyone you see and me right behind you, my head hanging low, my pace slow and struggling, just desperately trying to keep up with you, to no be left behind. You don't look at me and I feel like I'm completely invisible.

If I'd die, I'm sure the world would just carry on. I'm sure you'll just carry on. I'm sure it wouldn't matter to anyone. Not to Haruhi, not to Tamaki, not to Mori, not to Honey and especially not to Kyouya, but probably the least to you.

I think you'd be happy. To finally get rid of such a horrible person as me. I think you'd be happy because everyone would acknowledge you as Hikaru, an individual on your own. Then they won't compare you to me the whole time anymore.

I'm sure you'd be happy if that happened.

My head hurts if I sit down and the world turns a little, but no one notices, no one sees. I just sit there in your shadow, concealed by lies and pretending. I'm just here, while no one knows of my existence, while no one cares anymore. The world carries on without me, the world remains the same even if I'm not anymore.

I can hear the people talking, but I don't say a word. I just watch a listen, just be there. Class starts and I listen even more, trying to forget everything else. I'm sort of happy we have math now. Unlike Hikaru, I think math is kind of difficult. Well, difficult enough to need all your concentration and not think about what happened before. Just math, just figures, just difficult formulas.

Lesson ends way too soon. The Host Club stars way too early. All the way to the third music room I find myself trailing, trying to delay, to not go. I know that the only thing worse then showing up is not showing up. But still I'm scared. Scared that you'll notice, scared that Kyouya's words will change this. Scared of this world, scared of every step I take, regretting every heartbeat.

You push the door open and I follow. I avoid looking at anyone.

"Ah, Hikaru, Kaoru" Tamaki's voice filled. "Feeling better Hikaru?"

"Yup!" you answer smiling. "Did Kaoru manage without me?"

I feel my muscles tighten and my breath stopping. I bit my lip.

"Isn't the point of your act that you're together?" oh crap, Kyouya…

I close my eyes shut and hope that he won't tell anything.

You laugh. "I guess."

"Then your question is quite useless" a sigh.

A look at me and a look at Kyouya.

"Where are our clothes?" I quickly say, hoping that there isn't anything that looks suspicious.

A finger points in a direction. I smile and nod quickly before snatching my clothes away, pressing them against my body and walking to the changing room.

When I'm there I try to listen, but I don't hear anything. I can only hope Kyouya won't say anything.

I take off my T-shirt.

Footsteps.

A cold hand on my shoulder, a wrist being grabbed. My face too close to his. Glasses reflecting light without a sign of life behind them.

A cold smile.

"Just how long are you planning on doing this?"

"K…Kyou…" I'm too stunned to even start talking.

"Or are you going to tell me these scars are of falling too?" he looks down at my bare chest, covered with lighter spots, scars all over.

"It's none of your business!" I yell and try to get loose. "Just stop this! Just don't."

"No. I refuse" he says firm. "I will **not **watch your brother slowly kill you."

I feel tears filling my eyes and I give up the fight. My head sinks low and I stare at my feet.

"Let me go" I beg. "Hikaru will…"

"Hikaru will what?" he bites back.

"If Hikaru sees, he'll… he'll…!" I can't explain how you will react. I can't explain that if he tries to help me he'll only make it worse.

Why do people like him always get emotional when other people don't need it? Why do they always decide to help you, right when you don't need their help?

Just let me go. Just forget about my pain and let me return to my brother. Just let this life continue. Don't try to stop it; you'll only make it worse.

"Promise me you'll tell him he's wrong" his grip tightens.

No answer.

"Kaoru! You can't let him do-"he never got the change to end that sentence.

I feel him falling, pulling me along in his fall. I hit the ground a moment later and I hear the sound of glass shattering on the ground.

His glasses.

I gasp for air and jump back up again. Kyouya slowly gets up as well, immediately grabbing his arm and grimacing. My eyes widen as I see him calmly looking for his glasses. He reaches out to take them but a foot is there before him.

**Crack.**

Kyouya just watches, without wincing for a second. He blinks a few times and then slowly looks up. I look up as well and I can see, like in a horror movie how you're standing there, your eyes full of anger.

"You… Stay away from my brother!" and your fists come down, hitting Kyouya in his face again.

I have to stop this. I can't let you involve anyone else in this.

Oh God, why couldn't you listen, Kyouya? I told you, didn't I?!

And now we're here. Blood falling on the ground, glass on the ground.

"Hikaru! Hikaru! Don't!" a desperate yell.

I run toward you and push you away. You stumble and fall. My eyes widen as I realize what I just did. I hear Kyouya moan from pain behind me.

"What?! Just what do you think you're doing?!" you jump back up. "Are you protecting him?! Traitor!"

The floor is cold. Glass is sharp and cutting through my flesh. Your punches are launched so hard at me I think my bones are breaking.

And Kyouya is watching.

I can feel his eyes burning on us, disbelieving, confused, or maybe just as emotionless as ever. But he sees. He's watching. He sees how you are hurting me. He can hear how you tell me to die, how you call me a traitor.

He knows now.

For sure.

Punches rain down and my head bumps against the floor several times.

"Traitor!"

Another punch in my face.

"I hate you!"

The world turns.

"I wish you were dead!"

Eyes fill with tears. Please don't do this. Please don't do this when they're watching. Please don't yell at me when they can hear. Tears stream down, my body trembles and you just continue to hit. Again and again, harder and harder.

And I hope that you will kill me this time.

I hear someone screaming something, but I can't place it anymore. I don't even hear your words anymore, cutting through my brain. I don't feel the pain anymore. I only sink away in the dark, as the black spots before my eyes start to dance more and more.

I can't breathe anymore. I look up at your face. You just stare back, your hands around my neck. Blood drips on my clothes. Blood drips on the floor. Blood all over your arms, your face, your hands. My blood. My blood on your body.

Suddenly it stops. Someone pulls you into the air and I can see you struggling.

I shake my head, as to comprehend what just happened.

I can see Mori, holding you in a tight grip, preventing you from hitting me again. You struggle so much and I can see your fist hitting Mori's face too.

"KAORU! What happened?! Oh God, your face! Kyouya, too! W-What happened?!" Tamaki shouting and for the first time I know he already gets what's going on.

I try to stand up, but my legs give in. Someone rushes over to my side and hands keep me up. I look up and see the violet blue eyes of Tamaki looking at me in total confusion.

He turns his head and I helplessly lean on him.

Kyouya covers his one eye with his hand, a little blood dripping over his long fingers.

"Hikaru… Hikaru just started…" he tries to tell, but he can't find the right words.

I don't blame him. How do you explain that someone started beating you up without a reason? How do you explain someone hurt his other half? How do you explain how much pain you felt, how much blood you say, how fast the dark spots dance before you eyes?

"Don't!" I try to scream, trying to stop Kyouya from telling them.

"Hikaru just started beating me and when Kaoru tried to help he started beating him!" he tries to catch his breath, to bite the pain away.

He tries to fight the fight I've given up so long ago. You can't fight the pain, you can't make it stop. Even if you close your eyes and wish that it ends, it'll still be there if you open them again. The blood doesn't vanish. It leaves those stains on your clothes you can't get out sometimes.

If you accept the fact that you already lost, it hurts just a little less.

"No, don't!" My voice rang out.

I don't want them to know. I don't want them to get involved. This is me; this is you, but no one else.

"Well that's how it went, right?!" Kyouya shouts, as he clenches his one hand, still covering the left side of his face with his other hand.

You stop struggling and look at me, your eyes so full of hate it makes my heart give up on beating.

I look down, feeling how the life is sucked out of me. They know now, everyone knows. This is no longer a secret. This is no longer our bond. I feel so humiliated, so betrayed, so… alone.

Blood drips from my face and I feel so weak, I don't think I can stand on my own. But there is Tamaki, helping me up, yelling at you for doing that. Telling you, you can't do that, telling you that it is wrong to hurt other people like that.

And I know you know. I know you just don't care. You're fully aware that if you hit people, tell them to die, it hurts them. You just don't care about it.

I sigh and try to catch my breath. My arm hurts and blood drips over my cheek. I can barely stand and breathing is so very painful, nevertheless I take a deep breath and start again: "Mori-senpai. Please let Hikaru go."

He stands there for a moment, not sure about releasing him or not. He probably thinks you're some kind of 'bad person'. I cough and taste salt, metallic blood in my mouth.

"Let him go, Takashi" I hear Honey say suddenly.

His voice is shaking and I know he's crying. He was there, too. He saw it, too. Oh God… Oh please… why?

I slowly turn my head around and feel the pain sting when I see Haruhi stand there too, her hand on the wall, her eyes just empty and staring. Honey stands next to her, his cheeks wet and his hands clutching his pink bunny tight against his chest.

They're all there. Everyone saw. Everyone knows.

And I never felt so ashamed, so complete humiliated.

Mori releases you from his grip and you give him a cold stare. You walk to me and hit me in my face. I trip and I feel Tamaki's hand trying to break my fall, but I fall anyway. My face hits the ground, blood gushing out of my mouth. I just stay there.

I can hear how you walk away. I can hear how much you hate me when you say: "Kaoru. If you come home, I'll kill you. I don't want to see you ever again. You're… You're just a traitor. I don't want to be with you ever again. Kaoru… Don't come home again."

I hear the door slamming shut.

But tears don't fall.

It's silent for a while. Silence pierces through the room.

It's Haruhi that breaks the silence as she suddenly says: "Kaoru… You really need some help…"

Yes, I do. But the only person who can help me is the one who is hurting me in the first place.

That's the world I live in. That's the world we made for ourselves.

We can't escape anymore.

* * *

Kyouya hold his head. I'm sitting in the couch, trembling and staring empty at a point in the far, far distance. Haruhi sits before me, bandaging my wounds. Tamaki paces up and down, Honey sits next to me, on Mori's lap, and stares at his pink bunny. Mori's lip is busted from Hikaru's punch, but he doesn't complain. He just hold Honey and sooths him when he's about to cry again.

And all the time, no one says a word. Just silence. Just complete silence. Blaming silence, sad looks, sighs from worries. They asked me question before, but I refused to answer. I can't betray my own brother.

"Kyouya… I'm… really sorry" I say suddenly, tired of the silence.

I can't take this. I can't take the way Tamaki is so **serious **and **worried.** I can't take the way Haruhi treats me so **carefully**, so **softly**. I can't take the way Honey looks so completely **helpless **and **broken**. I just can't the way Mori got hit and doesn't say **anything **about it. I just take the way everyone acts so completely weird, like they've seen the most horrible thing in their lives.

Kyouya shakes his head a little, but stops as it clearly hurts too much.

"It's okay…" he says. "You tried to tell me anyway."

But he didn't listen. No one ever listens.

"I'll pay for your glasses" I force a smile, like nothing happened.

"You bet you do" he answers.

I hope they somehow will forget, that they will think it's just a bad dream and that they will let me go. I don't want to hear how they'll define you as a bad person, as a monster. You're not the one to blame. It's all my fault.

"Kaoru…" Tamaki suddenly stops walking around and looks straight at me.

"What?" I look up.

"Sit still!" Haruhi says immediately.

"Sorry…"

"How long?" Tamaki asks.

"Huh?"

"How long has he been doing this?" Tamaki repeats, like I should've known what he meant.

"Oh, no, no! You got it all wrong" I laugh and my chest hurts. "It's not like he ever done this before. He probably" I shrug, "he probably didn't mean it as bad as it sou-"

"Stop lying!" Honey suddenly yells and he jumps of Mori's lap and almost jumps in my arms.

Haruhi sighs and gives up on bandaging and backs down a little.

Honey hugs me tight and I can feel his salty tears falling on my shoulder. I know they won't forget. I know they won't buy my lies anymore. I know I'm hurting them, too. I just keep hurting everyone. I'm hurting you, too. I can't save anyone, myself the least.

"Please stop lying" he cries.

Maybe everything would be so much better if you just kill me.

"Mitsukuni…" Mori says, warningly.

I know I've been disappointing everyone. I know everyone hates me for being so weak. I know everyone hates you, because they think you made me weak.

But I still love you.

"We all know, Kaoru! We know he has been hurting for a long, long time! We know it hurts you, Kaoru! We know!" his little shoulders tremble and he pulls me closer.

I'm sure this is sad, but I can't cry. I'm sure this is something to cry about, but my eyes stay dry?

I don't want to cry. I just want to run to you, tell you I'm sorry, beg you to stay with me.

"Honey-senpai…" I say and I feel strangely empty, just staring. "It's really okay…"

It's all okay, because we are still together. As long as you are here with me, I can endure this pain.

"No, no! It's not, Kaoru!" Honey cries.

His hug tightens and I'm nearly choking.

"Mitsukuni" it sounds again.

But Honey doesn't let go.

"No, Honey-senpai, it really is" I smile and he slowly backs down a little.

My smile widens even if it hurts when I tell him: "Really, it is. Even if Hikaru hurts me, even if he does this to me, that's okay with me, Honey-senpai. If it gives Hikaru some kind of reason to stay with me, no matter how wrong that reason is, it's okay with me."

I shrug and pat his head.

"I just wish you guys never got involved. You shouldn't know about this. It's not your problem and now Mori's lip is busted and Kyouya will walk around with a headache for days" I look away, stare at the wall. "No one deserved that."

"You don't deserve that either" Tamaki suddenly says. "So stop talking like it's your entire fault!"

"But it is!" I say and look up.

My eyes burn and I yell, closing my eyes: "It's all my fault Hikaru became this way! And I'm…"

It's my entire fault for not stopping you. I should've stopped you. I should've end this before it got this bad. But I never did. I never even tried. I just let everyone down who ever counted on me.

"I'm so sorry" I manage to say, before I bit on my lip.

"Kaoru!!!" Honey whimpers, but before he can pull me in a choking-hug, Mori pulls him off me.

Honey doesn't even protest, but just hugs him instead. I give Mori a thankful smile. No matter how good Honey it means, his tight hugs keep me from breathing.

I start coughing and I feel like I'm choking again. Pain makes me bend forward and I feel something warm gushing over my knee. Haruhi eyes widen a little and I feel terribly empty.

Just like I always knew, they don't understand. They can't understand that I love you.

"We should get you to a hospital" Haruhi says.

Let me go.

"No, really, I'm alright" I force a smile and wipe the blood off my lips.

Please let me just vanish, just disappear.

"No, you're **not**" she says and the frustration is clearly readable.

I don't want to be here.

"Yes, I am!" I suddenly yell.

I can't take this. I force myself up and stumble to the door. Tamaki rushes to my side again, just in time there to keep me from falling.

"Just where do you think you're going?"

Away. I'm going away. Far away from here. Far away from those who try to understand but will never be able to.

"I'm going home!" I yell, "I'm going to the place where I belong! With Hikaru!"

Hikaru… I just want to be with you. That's all I really want. I want to be with you, I belong to you. We are one. We are connected by a bond other people can't even imagine. This is stronger than love, deeper then the bond two brothers share. We belong to each other, no matter what.

"Kaoru" Haruhi again. "Just how stupid are you, actually?"

I push Tamaki away, without hurting him, just strong enough to make him step back. I just want to go. I don't want to be here. I can't take this. I can't take the way they look, the way they hate you. I can't stay here for a minute longer.

"Don't talk about things you don't understand" I don't look at her anymore.

No one can possibly understand.

"He said he's going to kill you!" she protests.

And I don't even care. If he wants to kill me, then that's okay with me, anyway.

"Well, then everybody should be happy, right?!" I find myself screaming and my lungs burn. "Because everyone wants us to be separated, but guess what: we can't! We are one and therefore we **cannot **be separated! Until death do us part! Only death can take me away from him! So if he kills me, be happy already!"

Stop blaming Hikaru.

"Kaoru!" she stands up, angry… or just troubled. "Don't talk about death so lightly!"

**Stop **blaming Hikaru.

"You don't understand, Haruhi!" I try to calm down as the world shakes and turns and trembles again.

She's such a stupid girl. There is no point in telling me to leave him. There is no point in telling me what's best for me. I know what's best for me and that's just to stay with him. That's all. I just want to be with him. Nothing more and nothing less.

So if that means enduring this pain, so be it. I don't care. But she just doesn't get that.

She doesn't get what love is. She'll never know.

"Haruhi… I don't think Kaoru can…" Honey presses his pink bunny even closer and his blond bangs fall before his face.

Mori nods thoughtfully and I just stare, my mouth open as Honey just tells everyone what I…

No. They don't understand. They can't!

"If Kaoru could leave him just like that… why would he still be here in the first place? That… doesn't make sense if you come to think about it, right?" Tears fall and leave dark spots on his beloved bunny.

"Mitsukuni" Mori's hand gently wipes his tears away.

Haruhi clenches her hands to fists and her eyes narrow, but she keeps still.

They know, but they don't understand.

"Honey-senpai… please don't cry…" please let him stop.

"He'll cry just as long as you refuse to cry about this" Mori suddenly says and he looks up. "Don't you think it's sad?"

"To just accept this and not fight…" Tamaki ends.

I smile again.

"If it keeps Hikaru with me, then it is alright. Really, then it doesn't matter" I stumble to the door.

I want to see you. I want to tell you I'm sorry. I want to beg you to stay here.

"I can't exist without him. That's just a fact. So, no matter what, I have to keep him here. I have to keep him here with me. That's not sad. That's just the truth. I'm not refusing to cry, it's just not something to cry about. I love him and I want to stay with him."

Silence. Not understanding silence.

"So, even if he kills you, as long as he doesn't leave you, that's alright?" Kyouya talking this time.

"Yes, it is" I answer.

"That's… completely stupid" he answers. "It'll only hurt more that way."

"And just what do you know about pain?" I say, my eyes directed at the ground.

Silence once again.

"How long?" he suddenly asks.

"Huh?" I say.

"Tamaki asked you too. How long has he been doing this to you?" his head rubs over his forehead.

"Does it matter?" I reply.

"It does."

"About two years… seven months and three weeks…" I shrug. "I didn't really count."

"Okay. Then, let's say he stopped doing this and he apologized" Kyouya looks up. "Do you think that after more then two years and a half you'll be able to forgive him?"

His eyes pierce through my soul.

"Do you really believe things will still be alright, even after he has been doing this for more then two years" he still sounds calm.

Silent pain.

"I already forgave him" I answer and I stumble to the door. "As long as he's with me, everything will be alright."

Yes... That's the truth...

My hands are on the door handle, but I remember that I still haven't told them about the fact I'm transferring.

"Oh… everyone… You probably won't be seeing me back. I'm transferring next week. Over one day, actually. So… Goodbye everyone… Tomorrow will be my last day on this school."

It sounds like I don't even care. I probably don't.

"Well that's nice. First you leave me here with a broken nose and without glasses and now you're telling me I have to stop your brotherly love act?" A sigh, "That definitely won't be good for the Host Club."

I smile a little, but it's fake and forced.

"I'm sorry, Kyouya."

But I'm not. I'm not sorry about the fact I'm leaving. I'm just sorry about the way it had to go.

"Hikaru told you to transfer too, right?" Honey asks, "And now he knows we know; you won't be returning ever again!"

People can say such irrelevant things. Wasn't that obvious to begin with?

"Don't act like you'll miss me" I say.

No one will miss me. No one will care. I'm nothing more then an empty shell. No one cares about that.

"But we will!" Honey jumps up, running toward me and hugging me, luckily not as tight as before. "You have to believe that!"

But I don't think I can believe anything anymore. You told me too, to believe that you love me, to believe that everything is going to be alright. You told me that it was the truth that you didn't want me to die. You told me to believe in you.

It's just hard to do so, when everything seems so wrong. It's hard to believe your words when they always go with punches, when every hit you repeat you love me. It's so hard to believe you don't want me to die when you take your knife out so careless and stab it in my body, like it's nothing, like it doesn't feel.

It's my body, Hikaru. It's a human body and it feels pain. I feel pain, too.

"Then I'm sorry" I answer. "But if Hikaru wants me to transfer, I will."

I'll do everything for you.

"Is he going with you?" Tamaki again.

"No… He said he wasn't" I answer.

"Aren't you going to be lonely then, all on your own?" Tamaki's violet blue eyes stand sad as he looks at me.

"Lonely?" I hear myself laughing that empty, hollow laugh. "I'm sure I can handle loneliness."

People are lonely when they are left alone. People are lonely when no one still cares about them.

So I'm not lonely… I'm just alone.

"Is that really okay with you?" Haruhi asks with the bandages still in her hands.

"That doesn't matter. What I want is completely irrelevant" I softly push Honey away.

He looks up and puts his little hands on his hips as he says: "It is important!"

"It's not to Hikaru" I tell him and then I turn around and push open the door. "And if it's not important to Hikaru, then it isn't important to me either."

It's a common knowledge, a fact, a simple, unwritten rule. We are the same, so we feel the same. So if you don't care, there is no way I'll ever do. We have the same opinion about everything, even about ourselves.

"Sayonara, everyone" I say. "I'm going home."

And when the door closes behind me, I can feel the tears burning and the pain killing me a little more. I just left my friends behind; I cut them out my life.

I swallow and stumble through the halls.

I know where you are. I know where you will be waiting. I know you were serious when you said you'd kill me.

I know, because we are one.

* * *

Yaaaaaaaay! Here I am again with another chapter! Oh! I'm just EVIL for doing this to Kaoru! Just now it seemed to be all good again! -evil laugh- I'm sorry, just couldn't help myself. Oh, I hope I stayed in character for everyone. Hoenn helped me out a lot with that too, so I think it was alright! Woah! it's really long, isn't it? I mean like: awfully long. I don't know if the next chapter will be that long too, probably not though. Heheh, will be strange if it's suddenly a 'short' chapter again XD Ah well, I'm not going to write just to write. Oh, and I'm sorry if I kept on repeating the same things over and over again... that's just my writing style. So... I can't change that. I'm trying to pay attention to it!

I think they are coming 3 more chapters. Yes, I think it will be around 8 chapters in the end. I can't say for sure, because I never know when I get this weird idea to put in my story and make yet again another chapter. So, please stick with me a little longer. I hope you enjoyed this.

**My credits to Hoenn!**

Well, she helped me out a lot with how the characters [Other then Hikaru or Kaoru should react. I mean, I'm really bad at staying into character with them. So, really much thnx to her!


	6. Too Late To Regret

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter Six: Too Late To Regret.**

I never even got the change to talk. I never even got the time to explain. You never even tried to listen.

I just pushed our door open; standing in the doorway of a shattered home and you grabbed me by my clothes, smashed me on the bed and closed the doors.

I'm lying there now, as I slowly get up and shout: "I really didn't tell Kyouya anything!"

You have to believe me, Hikaru. You have to believe that I'd never tell anyone. They can find out, yes, but they'll never hear from me. Please believe that. I want to talk again, to scream that I really, honestly, didn't tell anyone, that no one knows because of me, but the punch in my face keeps me from telling that. The pain flashes through my cheek and I feel the weight of your body lying over me. You're face is really close.

"Why did you come back?" it sounds cold.

"Because… Because I want to be with you, Hikaru!" I say, hoping the pain doesn't sound too much through my voice.

"I told you, right?! I told you that if you came home, I'd kill you! I told you, right!" your eyes are slightly wet and another punch hits my face.

My head hits the bed hard and I stare lifelessly to your face above me.

"Then kill me, Hikaru. If you want to kill me, just kill me" and my voices sounds terribly cold when I add: "I don't care."

Yes, that's right. This life lost its value long ago. This life hasn't been worth anything since you've started to hate it this badly. The wounds you hit into it, the way you used it, it just destroyed itself. There is nothing left of any value. So, kill just me if you want.

Break our bond. Destroy our love. Make it shatter; watch it die on your bed. Kill everything you once loved.

Separate us, Hikaru. Free me from this awful fairytale. End this broken dream.

There is no use in living like this any longer. That fragile happiness broke and we can't restore it.

No, there is no use in living any longer. I won't get you back like this and I know.

"Don't talk about your own life like that!" and yet again your fist hits my face.

Blood drips down my cheeks and its salty taste is in my mouth. I open my mouth to scream your name, to beg you to stop, but all that's leaving is blood. You keep on hitting, keep on beating harder and harder, my body pushed into the bed with every bone-breaking touch.

I guess it's only okay when you treat my life like that.

The sound of pain fills the room. The smell of blood lingers around us.

And I don't even care.

I just want you to know that I really, honestly, didn't tell anything. All other things don't matter. I just want you to know that before you kill me.

"I really didn't tell him!" I try to yell again, but it's nothing more then a whisper.

With the words comes blood. The world turns to black and I can only feel the rhythmic punching. My ears are filled with the sound of my bones breaking under your fists. I open my mouth to scream again, but nothing comes; only the blood leaves.

The world is red now. Nothing more then a distant, red blur. It's not my body you're destroying and slowly, painfully killing… it's just an object. Just a thing, not something that feels pain. It's like I know when you are going to hit, it's like I can read your movements.

I can't fight this. I'm not strong enough to make it on my own. I don't have the strength to tell you to stop. You've always been the one who was just that little stronger, just that little more mature.

And if you lost control, then how am I supposed to control us both?

You kick me over the bed and my face hits the ground. I don't yell, I don't fight. I just lay there and wait until you'll grab my hair, or my wrist, and pull me back up again. I just wait to hear how you tell me to die, to just be dead already.

Why am I trying so hard to live anyway?

It doesn't make sense. Living only hurts. This world is just waiting on me to die. There is nothing left to live for, nothing I care about. You're not Hikaru anymore… you're just a monster, living in his body. I let that monster consume my own twin brother, I never stopped it, and now… now it's all too late.

It's too late for a happy ending now.

You've gone for my hair, dragging me through the room. I leave a trail of blood behind me. Words, pictures, they flash through my soul.

Why did I have to die like this?

Why, why me? What did I ever do wrong? I know wanting you to stay with me, is wrong… but not this wrong. I don't deserve to die here. I don't want to die here. Not like this. I want to be with you. I want my happy ending. Why did it have to come to this? Why is this world so cruel?

Why is everything we had so easily destroyed? Why isn't love worth anything?

"And why is that mirror still here?!" you yell and snap me back to this bloody reality.

Because I never had the time to tell anyone. I don't know, they could be so many reasons. Does it actually matter?

"I told you to get rid of it, right?!" your grip tightens and I think that if you don't watch it, you'll just rip my hair from my head.

I don't answer. You're not waiting for my answer anyway. You don't care about what I think. You don't care that I'm dying now. You don't care about me.

You say you love me, but you don't. I don't believe you anymore. I don't want to believe you anymore. Isn't love supposed to save me?!

But instead, it's killing me. It's putting me through this.

And Kyouya's words, Haruhi's words, Honey's words, Tamaki's words, god, even those Mori said… they just keep repeating, just keep screaming. A part of me is crying, struggling, yelling that I just have to leave. Leave and come back later.

But it's too late now.

I'm going to die anyway.

"Now look up!"

No reaction.

"Look up! I want you to see how pathetic you actually are!"

I know. I already know. I know I'm worthless, I understand that I'm the most pathetic being on Earth. I know that I'm not human—I'm just a toy, just a piece of trash. This thing that used to be me is worth nothing. I know that—I don't have to look to see that. I know without looking that I'm disgusting, that it must be so awful to be compared with me.

It must kill you. Just like this is killing me.

You grab my hair even tighter and I yelp out, as the pain slowly reaches the point of being unbearable. You tug my head back, so I can't do anything else than look. Than to look at that disgusting face.

Desperate eyes stare back at my face. Blood drips all over the unfamiliar face that is looking back at me. And there, in the corner of that boy's brown eyes, a tear is formed and it slides over his cheek. He looks terrible, desperate, like he is facing death. His lips are swollen and busted, his eye is already starting to look a little black and his forehead is wounded. His lips slowly part and form silent words. In all silence he screams.

In order to protect what he loves, in order to keep what he needs, he'll continue to scream that silent plea. In order to keep the fragile happiness he build inside his heart, in order to live a little longer, he won't be heard by anyone.

But tonight, something broke inside him.

**Save me.**

Another tear slides down his cheek. His lips keep moving; keep talking, like he is trying to get a very important message across.

**I don't want to die.**

"What?!" you ask, hitting me in my face.

**Don't leave me.**

No, there is no way that boy I'm seeing is me. It must be someone else, who has taking over my body. I can't be that person. It's not possible that I've become this. It's just impossible that the one I'm looking at right now is me.

That would be too terrible. Even the truth can't be that harsh.

**Save me.**

His lips keep silent and the tears stop. He just stares empty, staring into my soul. No, I'm not the boy I'm seeing in the mirror. He's already dead, a lost cause, no longer hoping for salvation.

I close my eyes.

**Please make this stop. **

"I asked you a question! What were you whispering about?!" you yell.

No reaction. I don't even know. I didn't say anything. It's that boy, that **thing** using my body, speaking my words, but it's definitely not me. I don't want him to be me.

"Hikaru…" I hear myself whisper. "You're…"

"What?! I'm what?!" you bite back.

"You're hurting me!" that's him again… that person that takes over and makes it all worse.

A lot worse.

I can hear you clench your fist and I open my eyes again, to see the mirror flying toward me. Or am I flying toward the mirror? I don't know, but I quickly close my eyes again. My face crashes into the mirror and glass cuts every inch of my face.

My shoulders tremble and I'm too afraid to open my eyes, but I feel the tears escaping.

You're really hurting me, Hikaru. Please stop. Oh, god, please stop.

Why isn't my love good enough for you? Why do you hate me so much?

I hear the sound of glass shattering, falling onto the ground. I hear the sound of your screams, but I don't know what you're saying. I've heard it all before anyway. You jerk my head back, then kick me until I fall onto the ground. I slowly open my eyes, try to blink the blood out of my eyes, but it doesn't matter. My face feels numb and other than that constant pain stabbing through my head, I can't feel anything. I don't want to look. I don't want to see how unrecognizable my face is. I don't want to see the blood, the cuts.

Just let me die already.

I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to hide anymore.

I feel your knife stabbing into my arms.

"You're just so stupid."

Of course I am.

"Don't you know that I love you?!"

And I just wish that you would stop stabbing me when you tell me you love me. You're destroying it, the meaning of that precious word. How are people supposed to believe you when you keep stabbing them? Just how am I supposed to still trust you?

I love you, but this time, love can't take it.

Love doesn't exist. It's stupid and it just kills you. The idiot who invented love should die a slow, painful death. And those who believed in it should share the same faith.

"I love you, Kaoru!"

My face hits the ground again. I can't see a thing through the red blur and I'm trying to get the blood out of my face. Blood makes you blind. Someone told me that, oh please, let him be wrong. I don't want to die. I just don't want to die.

"Hikaru, please!" I try to yell, but it's just a whisper that leaves my lips.

Why do you want me dead so badly? Did I hurt you then? Did I do something wrong? Is this all my fault, or is this world just cruel?

You pull me up again, then press your lips on mine, hard and cold. I feel my stomach turning, feel the disgust. The pain flashes through my body and I can't stand on my own.

**Knock. Knock.**

"Hikaru! Kaoru! What is going on?!"

Oh… god… no… No! This isn't happening! No, I just misheard that. That was **not **my mother knocking on the door.

Maybe she could save me. Maybe I should just yell and make a run for it, force the door open, beg mom to save me. You won't hurt mom. Yes… I should just…

**Knock. Knock.**

I just want to be saved.

"Nothing!" You yell back, while I collapse on the floor, my face maimed so bad I don't think anyone would recognize me.

Maybe, if mom comes in, she'll ask where Kaoru is. I feel how everything that was supposed to be in my stomach is searching a way out. I hold my hand for my mouth but it doesn't help. I shut my eyes even more and throw up. Everything aches, everything hurts.

You just look disgust.

"Why is this room locked? Hikaru, let me in **now**!" mom sounds angry and maybe scared too.

"No!" you yell back. "Everything is alright! Just leave!"

Yeah, everything is alright, while I'm dying at your feet.

I crawl a little back to you and with all the power I still posses I try to tug at your pants, asking for that little attention, asking that one question.

"Don't… kill… me…" I try to beg, but blood leaves my mouth and in the end my plea is a rasping, unintelligible sound.

You clench your fist, while you throw me an utterly disgust look. You kick me away and I feel even more blood leaving my lungs and dripping over my face.

**Knock. Knock. K n o c k.**

"Open up!" oh no! No! That's my father's voice.

"Kaoru isn't feeling well!" you yell back.

No… I'm just dying. Other than that everything is alright, really.

"He doesn't want anyone to come in! He's really ashamed, you know!"

Ashamed? Ashamed because you use me as a toy? Ashamed because I'm choking in my own blood, throwing up on the floor and maimed beyond the points of repairing? Do you really believe a person would be ashamed because of this? Because of not having any strength to fight back, to just let people do this?

Then you're wrong, Hikaru, people aren't ashamed. They're dead.

"O-Okay then… but what was that noise…" Mom doesn't really sound convinced.

"He just fell because he felt so ill! He bumped against the mirror, but it's not bad."

No, it's not bad at all. I listen to your shameless lies; try not to make any sound, to not make you any angrier. Blood drips over my lips and leaves stains on the floor. I'm lying on my back, looking at the ceiling.

I have to get away. I have to be saved. I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I have to fight, even if it's just a little.

You're wrong, Hikaru! You're totally wrong! This isn't… no, this isn't right! Even to keep you here, it's not right at all!

I have to end this. I have to win your love back without being hurt myself. I have to live to bring you back to a person again.

I slowly, painfully turn on my stomach. I press my lips tight together to keep even more blood from falling. On nothing else than a disgusting kind of determination I crawl over the floor, inch after inch after inch.

I have to reach the door. Have to say something. Have to shout. Have to tell mom and dad you've been doing this to me. Have to be…

**Separated**

From you.

We can't be together anymore. I don't want to die. God, no… I…

Just a few more inches. Just a little more pain.

A shoe on my head, pressing my head against the floor. It feels like you're going to squash me like a bug and I open my mouth to scream.

"Just where do you think you're going" you rustle between you teeth.

Nowhere, I guess. No, I never believed I'd be saved anyway.

There is no one who can save me now. There is no one who is worried enough.

"Okay then… Dinner is set in two hours. If Kaoru's feeling better he can come too" Dad says.

No! No! Don't leave! Don't leave me alone! Don't leave me here to die! Save me, save me from the monster that calls himself my brother! Don't leave me here…

**Don't leave… Please…**

"Yes! But I don't think Kaoru will feel better. He's in a pretty bad condition" you say, but you don't sound very serious.

Pretty bad? Oh, please, I'm alright. In five minutes I'm dead and my parents are just going to walk away over a minute, so really… there is nothing… to worry about.

"Should we call a doctor?" Mom again.

"No, no, he says he's fine" you kick me.

"Say it" you whisper.

"Yes, mom!" I say, and there is no single trace of the pain I'm feeling in my face. "I'll just rest and that's enough."

"Okay. Hikaru, I'm excepting to see you then."

"No, mom! I want to stay with Kaoru!"

And my eyes widen in pure horror.

"O-Okay then…" a silence. "If you're hungry, then just come downstairs, okay?"

"Okay! I'm going to listen some music now. Kaoru said he didn't have to think about the pain then! See ya!" and the lies continue.

My eyes are heavy and I feel sick. The world turns like mad and the red blur still didn't leave.

"Okay… Bye!" and I can hear it.

I can hear how they walk away. I can hear the footsteps slowly dying.

I can hear how they just left me to die. They didn't even ask about opening the door. They didn't even try to look. They just believed it.

They just left me here to die all alone, killed by my twin brother.

I wonder what he'll say. I wonder what he'll try to tell everyone that I die. The disease he just talked about? That it was that bad that I died? How was he going to explain the scars then?

Or maybe he'll just dump my corpse in a river and says I went missing after school. And when the cops find me, he'll cry those fake tears and act depressed. He'll make up a story about someone, maybe kill him, too, and make it looks like murder-suicide.

I shiver and hate myself for thinking such things. This is too awful to be real. Even this world can't be this cruel, right?

Another kick.

"We aren't finished here" you say and you pull me up again.

You plant your fist into my stomach, and I stagger a few feet backwards, before falling on the bed. A grin crosses your face.

"I should turn up the music, right? Just in case you'll scream" and then you laugh and you walk to the radio, switching it on.

A song I don't even know plays. Sounds loud and my screams won't reach that volume.

"And, Kaoru? Do you still love me so bad?" The knife shines in your hand.

I can feel the hate burning. I feel that disgust feeling rising. Why do you want me to hate you so badly?

"Does that matter? I'm going to die anyway" and blood flows while speaking.

"Oh, no, maybe, if your useful enough, I'll let you live. If you can entertain me, I think it's okay if you survive a little longer" a cold smile.

A cold smile that is screaming in desperation: 'don't love a person like me.'

"You know, if you just admit that you hate me, you could walk away."

I don't say a word.

"If you tell me you hate me and don't want to be with me ever again, I'll let you go."

"I can't walk" I say. "I think you broke my leg."

"Oh, is that so?" You stand up.

You grab the chair standing by my desk and I know, I just know what you are going to do. Knowing every move, watching you lift up the chair so very, provoking, tormenting slow, makes me want to scream, but I don't.

And then it hits.

Wood shatters, bones do, too. The music plays and my screams aren't heard by anyone. Mom is downstairs drawing designs for clothes and dad is probably working on the computer. Or maybe they're talking and laughing, just like they used to when we were kids.

And I'm left here. Left here to die to most painful death someone ever died.

"I know for sure that leg is broken. Should I break the other one too?"

My voice is interlaced with pain as I slowly answer: "There isn't a chair left anymore."

"Oh, but there are so many ways to break bones" a grin: "want to try them, Kaoru?"

"Hikaru…" I whisper.

I look down.

"Why are you doing this?"

You jump up and kick my head. I smash against the bed and my legs move in a painful way. A scream leaves my mouth.

"Because I love you!" you grab you knife again.

I can't move a single muscle anymore. Everything hurts. Everything is broken, or cut, or maimed, or wounded.

"But you can't love me! Don't love me, Kaoru!"

**Stab my back.**

"If you hate me, we could live apart and be happy!"

**Stab my heart.**

"But you're too stupid! You keep doing those… those… loyal things!"

**Stab my soul.**

"It's all your fault! And now you have to die!"

Silence.

"We can't live together. But we can die together, right?"

If laughing wouldn't hurt, I would've laughed an empty laugh. But I can't move anything anymore. My lungs are hurt and breathing is the only thing I have to focus on because it won't go automatically anymore. I can't move my legs, can't move my arms, even turning my head is more pain then I can still handle. I just lay there numb, like a doll that has been thrown away, like a piece of trash you dump. I'm nothing. I can't fight. I can't even talk. I can't see a thing, since the red blur is making the world to unclear to see. I can't smell anything other then the smell of blood.

But I can still hear. From a distance, but closer then healthy, I can hear your voice. I can hear your words piercing through my mind, shattering, breaking everything inside. I want to scream, to cry, to beg you to stop, but I can't. I just stare at you, with no trace of life left in my eyes. All I am is a shell. Kaoru already died. He died that day his twin started to hate him.

"Geez, you're boring" you sigh. "Can't you put up more of a fight?"

A cold, empty, hurt laugh.

"Entertain me a little, Kaoru" a finger slides over my body. "Because you know what we do with boring things, right?"

That's right. If it's boring, get rid of it. When people aren't fun anymore to play with, dump them and move on with your life. It didn't matter. It didn't matter how much girls we left behind us crying, with the ripped love letter around her feet. It didn't matter how much boys we used, just because we felt like it. It didn't matter how many times we changed styles, games, and attitude. It didn't matter, because always, every single time, we were together. You were there and I was there.

We don't need the world to understand us. We are way to complicated beings and the world is filled with idiots. No one can understand this tight, loving bond.

No one, not even me, will understand that you will die for this.

Because whether I want it or not, I'm going to die. I'm already dying. It just takes long and it goes slow, but for sure, I'm dying.

"I… can't…" pain, horrible pain, "move…"

"Giving up so easily?" you say scornful. "Then I'll have to entertain myself with you."

You stand up and walk away, probably searching for a rope or something. I focus on breathing. I have to keep breathing. I have to survive this. I have to bring you back.

I'll save you. Yes, for sure, I will. I will end this. I will end this and in that end we'll still be together! Kyouya, Haruhi, Honey, Mori, Tamaki… they were all wrong! I can live through this and still love you. You are everything for me.

And I know… Or at least I hope… That I am still worth something to you.

I just have to make you remember. I just have to make you remember all the things we did together. I just have to let you feel loved once again.

We'll be together in the end.

I'm tired of not doing anything. I'll end this tonight. I will survive. I will bring back everything to normal again. You don't even have to apologize. We'll just forget. We'll change school, start all over again. And the blood stains, I'll clean them up, even if it costs all day. I will hide my pain and make you smile.

I will make you love me once again.

I take a deep breath even if that hurts and force myself back up. My arms tremble and every movement hurts, but it's my life that I'm playing with, so I can't give up. I've giving up enough. It's time to change things now.

"Huh? I thought you couldn't move."

There are some many things that seem impossible but are still done. Until two years ago the thought never even occurred to me that you could hurt me.

But that doesn't matter anymore.

"Hikaru…" a painful cough.

I'll save you.

"What is it?"

I don't look up.

"I love you" I tell you.

I'll save you from yourself.

"Are you still into that crap?"

I simply ignore you. I can't think now, because then I'll start doubting again and everything will be lost.

"Do you remember?" I ask.

You stand still.

"Remember what?"

Yes, tonight I'll show all my strength. I'll use everything I've got, everything that is left and I'll change this.

"How we used to do everything together."

I can only gain. I can only succeed. If I fail, I'll be killed and I won't have time to regret it.

Silence fills the room.

"What are you trying to do, Kaoru?" nothing more then a silent whisper.

I'm trying to survive. I'm trying to live through this. I'm trying to understand you, to bring you back. Just that… nothing more… Yes, just that should be enough.

"Do you remember, Hikaru? Do you remember how we used to love?" my lungs hurt and my head screams, begs me to stop, just stop, talking.

People who are dying shouldn't talk anymore. It's stupid to waste your energy, you last moments on life with talking. Words will be forgotten after you die anyway. It's too late to change anything. It's too late to turn this back. It's too late to break free.

We can't be saved anymore. Forever we'll be locked inside this world. No words are going to change that. It's useless.

But still I'll try.

"Because… I still do" a forced, yet true smile. "Don't you remember, Hikaru?"

"O-Of… course…" you look away. "But that doesn't matter. What's gone is gone. We can't get that back, anymore! It's too late now!"

"Don't you want to get that back?" I say, stubborn.

This is the only way to save myself. This is the only way to save you. This is the only way to save us.

Just remember, Hikaru… just remember that deep, deep down you still care about me. Please realize that if you kill me, you'll be alone for sure. Please think about me this once. It's the only thing I'll ever ask.

I'll be able to forget. If you tell me you want those memories when we're together back, I already forgave you. I won't be mad or angry or anything. I'll just forget, erase out of my memory. I won't stay bitter or hate you in all silence.

If you say you love me enough to stop this… I won't ask for anything more. That's enough to stop the pain.

"Stop that!" you yell, closing your eyes.

I bit my lip and fight the fear away.

I'm sorry, but I can't stop now. I won't give up this easily. With all the power that's left, with everything I still own inside this body of mine, I'll try to get you back. There is no other way. I cannot stop when our world is on the line. I'm not afraid for what may come anymore. I don't give a damn if you'll hate me even more. At least I tried. At least I didn't die for nothing then.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to end this.

"Hikaru! Just listen to me. Please, just this once" I look up, blink some blood out of my eyes and try to look to you, even when the headache I have from that is killing me. "Don't you want to be like we were again? We could… we could turn back everything! We'll just forget and –"

Pain. Terrible pain. Blood gushes out my mouth, out of countless wounds and I grab my side. I shut my eyes and fight the pain.

"Hi…ka…ru…" I try to whisper still, but the pain is more then I can handle.

No! No! I can't die now! I can't die here! Not before you answered. I just want to know. For once, only this once, I'm asking something and I can't die before I know the answer. I don't want to die here. I don't want to die.

"Kaoru! Oh, God! God! Are you okay!"

Okay? No, I'm not okay. I don't think I am. I don't think anyone could be okay while they are dying.

Don't let me die…

I feel your hands on my back, and I can feel how you tremble.

Did I get you back? Are you back, Hikaru?

"Kaoru! Don't die! Oh, please! Don't die!" I can hear how your voice reaches the point of insanity.

I can't help you anymore. I just fall back, for one time my landing soft because of the bed.

"KAORUUUUUU!!"

I'm so sorry, Hikaru. I'm so sorry for not being able to bring you back. I tried. I really did.

No!

"Hikaru… I…" bloody, busted lips part in an attempt to speak.

I will **not **die like this.

I have to live, to see that day when everything is alright again. I have to live, to stay by your side. You need me now, I know, I just know you do. You hate me because you need me; more then you want to admit. You have to love people when they absolutely don't deserve it anymore… because that's when they need it the most, right?

It's okay if I'm not worth living for, but you are, Hikaru. I will live for you. I will survive because your love will save me in the end. I will endure this pain and watch how things will be alright again.

"It's too late now" I hear you whisper, while your hands run through my hair, sticking together by the blood.

No… it's not.

"It's too late to be forgiven now. You want to, I know… but even you can't" an empty laugh. "You're just human too, Kaoru… You…You can't love someone like me."

"I… I love you… Hikaru…" my eyes are too heavy to keep them open.

Please believe me. Please believe that I love you. Everything will be okay if you just love me back. It's not too late. Don't say it's too late until the very end, when everything comes crashing down, when I tell you one last time that I love you. Don't say it's the end until I actually died.

There is still hope. There is still some hope that we can't see.

If we hope and believe we will be able to live through this. Hope is the only thing that keeps us alive now. As long as we hope, we can fight this world together. As long as there is some hope left, even when it's so far we can't reach, I can live.

"Stop that" you clench your fist.

"I love you, Hikaru!" I yell.

"**Stop **that!" a soft hit in my face.

"I love you, Hikaru!" once again.

"**STOP THAT!**"

Something hits my face. Hard. Pain.

"I love you…" a desperate whisper.

Harder. Pain. Much more pain than before. The world turns.

"I LOVE YOU!"

Clothes rip.

**I love you.**

Pain increases even more, reaching a point beyond humanity.

**For ever.**

Bleeding fists hit a bleeding face, again and again.

**And nothing can change that.**

And then the world turns black and there is nothing anymore.

…

* * *

I don't think I've ever felt so much pain. I cough and I feel blood on my cheeks. I can't open my eyes. The world is black. Everything is black.

Are we separated now? Did I die?

I've never felt closer to death. I've never felt closer to falling of the edge then now. I try to open my eyes, but it doesn't work. I can't move.

The music plays softly and I can hear a voice singing along. I think I know the song, but it's so far away from me, almost on another planet, that I don't have the time to think about.

What does a song matter anyway?

The only thing that matters is that I know I'm not dead yet. Somehow, it must be a cruel joke of life again, I managed to survive. And I know you're here, with me. You're sitting next to me; I can almost feel your body heat. I can't see, but I know. I just know I'm not alone.

"Kaoru…?" fingers running through my hair. "Are you okay?"

I try to part my lips, to speak, to at least tell you something, but I can't even get my lips from each other. Maybe I am dead, or in a coma. In a state between life and dead, not really living, but not gone completely. Maybe I'm just imagining things.

**But I still love you.**

"I took some food for you. Are you hungry?" you sound like nothing's wrong. Almost like…

Did I get you back? Are you just Hikaru again, just my beloved twin brother again? Oh please, please let that be true. If that's true, I'll regain my power again. I'll be able to see again, to move my body. I won't have to lie like this… like a plant.

"Kaoru…"

And I wish I could react. I wish I could give some kind of sign I was still alive. Some kind of sign that could tell you I still love you and I'm listening.

I'm still here, Hikaru. I'm still here by your side. I won't ever leave. Even if I can't get you back, I won't leave you. No, even if this will kill me eventually, I will never leave. I'll wait for my death then, rather then running away from it and killing myself just as well. There is no escape, there is no way out. Even if I run to the end of the world, there will still be death. And if I have to die anyways, dying while you're with me doesn't sound that bad.

You lay your hand on mine. My bruise sting a little from the touch, but I can't react anyway.

"Do you think you can still squeeze my hand a little?"

A faint pinch is all you get in return.

"Ah! Just pinch my hand if it's okay with you! Now, do you want to eat?"

I don't react anymore.

"No? Not hungry?"

I don't think my stomach will be able to hold anything inside. I feel terrible, like every bone inside me is broken.

Breathing hurts. I hope I'll die soon.

The world just carries on. It always does. I wonder if this is that light feeling you get when you're about to die. When will I see that tunnel everyone talks about? When will the light come? When will I be able to reach my hands out to it, walk and then completely disappear as darkness closes behinds me again?

Will you miss me when I die? Will you be lonely without me? Will you cry yourself to sleep and regret that you didn't listen to me? Will you ever think about me if I die now? Will you be broken, just like I am, and will you wish that we could get everything back?

I don't think I'd be happy if you did, so if I'm dying, please don't.

Please just carry on, like you always do. Please just live without me, without regret, without pain. Please widen your world and be happy.

Just be happy, that's enough.

I don't need you to care about me. I don't need you to think about me. I just need you to be happy, even if the cause of that happiness is my death.

I always said I loved you no matter what. I'm not going to break that promise.

"Kaoru…"

Silence. I force myself to pinch your hand a little, just to hear you speak, just to tell you I'm still alive.

"If I say I'm sorry… Isn't that too late?" Your hand trembles on mine.

It will never be too late. This world can still be turned back. I have to say something, have to tell you.

"Hi...ka…" I don't get further then that and it was so softly spoken I don't know if you even heard me at all.

Pain takes over and I can't say anything anymore.

"Don't worry, Kaoru…"

You caress my hair.

"Because you know?" a hitch in your voice.

I don't know anything.

"Tomorrow… yes, tomorrow everything will be over. Tomorrow everything will be fine."

Your hand trembled even more and I wish I could open my eyes. I think you're crying and I have to make things alright.

I force myself to open my eyes, a process that takes long and hurts, but I cannot give up. I have to make sure everything is alright. I finally get my eyes open, just a little, but I can see you, just enough that see that you're really crying.

Please don't cry about me anymore. I'm not worth crying for. I'm not worth anything.

I force my arm to move, to slowly touch your shoulder. You look back and I can see how you put up a faint smile.

I have to make things alright. If I'm going to die, then at least… I want to believe once more, just one time for real, that you care about. Just a little. Just a little is enough.

It's on moments like these I remember the most that this is the reason why you were able to hurt me like this. You still know everything about me. You can still read my thoughts without hesitation. You can still hear by the sound of my breathing, how I'm feeling. You know what I want you to do, even without words said, without an explanation given.

That is why you can hurt me, every time, again and again. You know exactly what would hurt me the most on which moment. You know exactly where to place your punches; you know exactly how I'll react. You know how to torture me, because you know how to give me a paradise.

That's why you're the only one who can heal me. That's why only you can take this pain away from me.

You lean over to me, and I can feel how you're trying not to touch me anywhere. Because you know it will hurt me. Because you know I'll force myself to hide it. You know everything about me.

I just wish I could still say the same. But maybe… if I live through this… I will see that day again. No. I will see it. Without doubt. This pain will end. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another two years… but it will end someday. And I will be there by your side when you can't take it anymore. I will be there to catch you when the world crashes down around you. For sure, I won't ever leave you.

I just can't.

I can feel your hair touching my bruised cheeks. Bruises will fade. Our love won't. I won't let it.

I force my other arm up too and slowly pull you in a faint, weak embrace. I can feel your breathing stop, I can feel how the tears flow only more. I can feel your heart slowly beating.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru" You slowly pull away again, as my arms fall heavily back on my side.

My eyes slid close again. Breathing hurts even more. You press a soft kiss on my forehead.

"I'm sorry that it had to end like this, Kaoru… I wish… I really wish that…"

It's not the end yet. Things can still change. If we have faith… If we love… then everything can still be alright.

"I really wish our love wasn't doomed. You know… Maybe… if we weren't brothers, if we weren't twins… this world would've been so much better…"

No… that's not right. I wish I could yell, and tell you that our love isn't doomed. Our love can live. If we want it too live.

"Do you want to know?"

I want to know why you just don't love me back.

"Do you want to know why, Kaoru? I don't think I can explain, but… you have the right to know… So… please listen. Please listen to me one more time."

I'll listen to your until the sun doesn't wake anymore and the moon doesn't smile. I will listen to you forever.

Because you're my brother, and I love you.

"It's just… I just really want to stay with you, but when Haruhi came you just… You pushed me away. And I know, god, I know you just wanted me to grow up… but I didn't want that. You just kept pushing me further and further, hurting yourself and hurting me, too. And all that time I just loved you."

The empty laugh fills the room again. I shiver and let this self-hatred feeling consume me.

"I love you. Not just as a brother. Not just as a twin. I really, really loved you. I still do. But I can't. That's sick and disgusting."

A tear falls on my hand.

"Why is this world so cruel, Kaoru? Why does it let us do things like this? Why is it that we just can't be happy?! Just because we're twins? … That isn't fair, right?"

No… Nothing is fair in this world, my beloved Hikaru.

"And you just… You just kept on being there for me, even when I just wanted to break and give up. You were there and still you were so far. And then… God… I just… I hated you, Kaoru… I hated you for making me love you. I hated you because you put me through so much pain. I hated this world and I hated myself. And still, still you stayed. Still you smiled and told me to grow up. To be happy! But I can't… not like that…"

More tears fall, but I don't know if their mine or yours. Maybe I don't want you to explain. Just shut up and let me die without knowing. It doesn't matter anyway. I will forget if you say you love me.

"And then, one night… I just broke. I just couldn't take it anymore. You just pushed me over the edge without noticing anything."

Silence. Only the quiet crying. Only the sound of sorrow lingering around us.

"Do you remember? The first time I hit you? It went so fast, so sudden. I didn't even get what I was doing. And then it hit me. I hurt you. You looked at me with such a hurt, yet understanding look that it only made the pain go worse! What's wrong with you, Kaoru?! How come you can keep loving people, while they do such things to you?! It broke, I broke, that night and you didn't even struggle."

Your voice skips from emotion and I can hear the tears in your painful words.

"You didn't even fight! You didn't say a word. You just stood there, your hand on your cheek, your eyes looking at me… still… still smiling. Smiling to me. And I just went insane. I couldn't take it anymore. This world couldn't be that cruel. I just kept on hitting, just didn't think about anymore."

I understand it so well that it hurts. I know how cruel this world is, how painful it is to be so close to the one you love and so far away. It can drive people insane. Some hid it better then others, but there was no way out.

"I'm so sorry… I was so disgusted with myself afterwards, so completely sick. I hated myself, even more then I hated you. Do you remember? You came back that night, just like nothing happened. And before we went to sleep, you told me that you loved me. I cried that night… All night long I cried to myself. How could I do such a thing to you?"

I feel how I slowly sink away. The world turns black again and all I can hear are your words, your crying voice, and your desperation.

So it was love all along that droves us both insane. It's pretty obvious anyway. It drove me insane, too.

"But you just kept on saying you loved me and I … I didn't want you to love me anymore. Why don't you just hate me, Kaoru? It would've been so much easier if you would've just left me alone to slowly fade. It would've hurt so much less."

I know. But if I left, we both would've died. I one of us leaves… we'll never see the end.

Don't you want to be happy again? Don't you want to be happy with me again?

"Kaoru… If I say sorry… Will you forgive me?"

A tear.

A faint pinch.

**I already did.**

"But tomorrow… I promise… Tomorrow everything's going to be okay. Yes, for sure. So please wake up tomorrow… And watch it end."

If you tell me to do so, I will.

"Kaoru?"

Silence.

"I really do love you. You have to believe that. And I know it's too late to say I'm sorry for hurting you, now you're in… such a state… but still… Please… Believe me."

Of course I will believe you. I believed you every single time. If I was stupid enough to still love you, then why couldn't you be a hurt fool too? We share the same opinions about almost everything… so this shouldn't be an exception. No, if you say you love me, I'll believe you. If you say you're sorry, I will believe you.

Even when I'm dying, I will believe every single word you say. There is nothing that can save me better than those words, said by you. And I know you smiling when I force myself to smile a little too. I know you're smiling, because you know I believe you. I know that for once, this one time, I really made you happy. Even if that's only a little.

Just a smile can't heal our wounds, but if it's your smile… it makes the world lighten up a little. I know you understand. I know you never meant to hurt me. I know that being who we are, loving each other, that it's hard, that it's difficult. Even in our world, crossing the line between brothers and lovers would be too much to handle. Even we couldn't deal with such a change.

But we crossed that line nevertheless.

We crossed it without being able to step back anymore. We knew, we always realized, that falling in love would eventually kill us. Just like it's killing us now. Our love never had a change of surviving without pain. Our love was meant to hurt. Our love is nothing more then the strength we have shown to endure the pain.

By fighting the pain, we prove each other we love each other. By letting you do this, I just told you again, without words, that I will always be there for you and that nothing can separate us. By hurting yourself by hurting me you proved yourself once again that we're nothing without each other. You need me and I need you.

We'll love each other until death do us part. And I'm still alive, even if that state is questionable. I'm still breathing, breathing for you. I'm still living, for you. I'm still here, just so I can stay by your side. Even if loving you hurts and kills, I will not stop doing so.

I never regret that I love you. I never regret staying by your side. I only regret the state in which that had to happen, but even that's… it's just a detail.

You're still here, with me. That's all that matters. You're still sitting next to me and you still smile when I smile. Nothing changed. We endured pain, we've been through hell, but just because we went through it together, we survived. As long as you stay with me, I can survive anything.

"I really love you" and I can feel your smile, free from sadness, free from pain.

I know.

**I love you too, Hikaru.**

"Hm? What?"

I force myself to speak louder. To at least tell you this.

"Hikaru… I love you, too" speaking hurts more then it ever did before. But I have to let you know.

"Does it hurt badly…?" and you quietly continue, "Did I hurt you much?"

"No…" my bruised and broken fingers interlace with your perfect, pale ones. "You did nothing wrong."

You're never wrong, Hikaru. You're just like me. You've been hurt too. I'm not the only one who's in pain, so who am I to complain? Who am I to say you're wrong, when all we want to be is wrong. Wrong because we do love each other. Wrong for this world, but still right for us.

"Tomorrow, I promise, tomorrow everything will be alright" you say again.

It already is. Once my wounds are healed and I can speak again, I will tell you that I love you for ever and that you never did anything wrong. You were never wrong. Or at least… when you're wrong, I'm wrong too, because we are the same. So who am I to tell you you're wrong then? That makes no sense.

I just love you and if you love me back, that's all that matters. I don't care what they saw on school, I don't care what mom and dad will think. I don't about this world's opinion. I only care about you.

You're my world, my heaven, my sky. You're the air I breathe, the power that heals me. Only you can destroy me or heal me. You're everything to me. My life with you is the only one I have. You're in my dreams and you're there when I open my eyes. You're there when I look over my shoulder; you're there when I cry. You're always, every single time again, you're there.

No one said love was easy. We never believed that in the first place. There was no option for us. We weren't meant to love. If we loved someone outside the world of us both, we would hurt each other, something we never even thought of. If we loved each other, we would kill each other slowly, knowing that one day this fairytale would end.

We knew there was no love for us.

We could only rely on each other. We could only love each other, until we reached that line that we couldn't cross.

There is no salvation for us. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for us. There is only pain. Only the darkness waiting to swallow us. Only the life of a sinner, that's the only life we could ever have.

We've known since we were young. We know that there would come a day where we had to choose: killing each other by loving the other half, or killing each other by loving someone else. Our love was too tight; our bond was so tight that it suffocated us, left no air to breathe. But instead of losing these ties, little by little, we just tied them further, harder, tighter, **and closer**. So close that we were almost one. So close we pushed each other over that line.

Who cares if the world doesn't agree?

We were meant to kill each other. It was only a matter of time, only a matter that destiny wouldn't leave alone. We were meant to go through something like this. There was no way we could prevent this, that we could've stopped this sooner.

And therefore, Hikaru, I'm not mad. I know this is just a part of our live. This is only a part of our love. This is the kind of love that was meant for us from the beginning. We can't live in a fairytale; we can only make our own.

This isn't your fault and neither is it mine. We couldn't help it. One day we would hit that barrier, that thing standing in between total destruction that we wouldn't see coming. Can anyone blame us for just wanting some love, too? Yes, we knew it was wrong, but still… We are just human beings. We are just two boys who've always been extremely lonely. Can you blame us for just pulling closer to the one we knew? No one else can enter our world. No one can love us, because we won't let them.

We are only there for each other. We were meant to fall in love.

In this world that we build up together, we can only be together. No one can enter. No one can leave.

There has never been an escape for us. There has never been any hope for us.

This world is cruel and even more for us. Just because we are twins, our love could never be. It would be forbidden by the world, despised, disgust. No one could understand that what you have been doing to me was **meant **to be that way. You couldn't help it. It was faith, destiny.

I've never blamed you. I won't blame you if my wounds kill me either. I won't blame you for anything. I won't blame anyone but faith.

But tomorrow, I don't know how, but you promised me. Tomorrow everything will be alright. Then maybe, just maybe our love survived and we'll be able to enter the fairytale part. But even if that's not the cause, even if I'm just dreaming… as long as you love me, everything is fine. Even if you rip my clothes, hit my face, stab my body and use me, if you say you love me because I let you do so, I will let you do so.

And if you say you're sorry, I'll know you speak the truth.

There was no way around this.

"Let's sleep a little" you say and I feel how you stand up.

I know you're switching off the light. I can feel the blankets moving and I feel your body touching mine, for a brief moment. You cover us underneath the blankets.

"Does it hurt when I touch you?"

A slow, painful shake of my head tells you it's okay. It doesn't matter. My pain will be over soon enough. I don't want you to ever leave me. Everything is alright.

A short and I think truly relieved laugh. I feel how you wrap an arm around me, pulling me closer. I can feel the back of my head lying against your chest. Your heart still beats. Your heart still beats in the most beautiful rhythm I ever heard.

It still beats in time with me.

I feel the tears burning, but I won't cry. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not in pain anymore.

I'm just so happy that I'm afraid things will go wrong again. I'm feeling so good something has to break; something just **has** to be wrong.

I haven't felt this good since years. I haven't felt this since you first hit me, since I knew the part where we had to test our love was going to happen soon. I still remember that day. I still remember how completely out of control you were. I still remember how you lifted up your hand and slowly, oh so slowly, let it fly towards my face. I remember how I cried, screamed. I knew you couldn't stop, I knew I'd only make it worse by making you feeling worse, but I couldn't help it.

I remember the first time you stole my innocence. I remember the sound of ripping clothes, the way it sounded so awful to me. You pinned me to the bed, catching me inside a human cage.

I never struggled. Even the first time, I never struggled. I never told you to stop. I never told you this was wrong. I just bit my lip, fought the pain away. I followed all your commands, without hesitation, without thinking of myself. I did what I had to do.

We both did what we had to do. None of us is wrong in this. There was no way around it. It just had to happen someday.

I just wish it didn't happen so sudden. I just wish I would've been a little stronger.

Maybe I could've stopped this earlier, but that doesn't matter anymore.

A love like ours is meant to be tested like this. If it can't survive this, why fall in love? It wouldn't be worth it, if it couldn't even survive this. But now we know it is. Now we know love was worth it. Yes, our love is definitely worth fighting for.

Your love is worth dying for.

"Kaoru…" you breathe warms my ice cold body a little more and I shiver automatically, "I really love you. Forever. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this had to happen."

Don't worry about a single thing, my dear. Don't worry about the world; don't worry about the pain I've been through. Don't worry about the wounds; don't worry about the broken bones. Don't worry about me. Because as long as you're here, with me, everything is alright.

I cannot die if you're by my side. You'll keep me alive. By breathing in my ear, by letting me hear your heartbeat, beating so perfectly in time with mine, you will keep me alive. By just being who you are, I can live. No matter what pain, no matter what will come in my way, if you're there, somewhere… I will live.

Please don't ever leave me. Stay with me and love me.

Tears slid over my cheek, silently, unnoticed. You pull me a little closer and I don't even feel the stinging pain. I only feel your body close to mine. Holding me because you love me. Holding me because I want you to.

"Goodnight, Kaoru."

Goodnight, my love. Goodnight to the pain, goodnight to this live. Tomorrow, when I wake up, everything will be alright. The pain is over. Once my wounds are healed, only the scars on my body will remain to tell about our story. The scars you placed on my heart will fade. The scars in my soul will vanish soon enough. I'm sure you'll make everything alright again.

You'll heal me with your love.

* * *

Yaaaaaaaay! XD Okay, here is the new chapter! Heheh, I know, Kaoru is contradicting himself the whole story through and he just keeps doing that. But they always did and I think in his situation it's just all **about **contradictions. I mean, you probably hate the one who has been hurting you, but you'll still love your twin brother. Especially in their case! XD And yeah... I'm sorry for the stupid reason... Just buy it, okay? I think love can drive people to that degree of crazyness. Because I saw a lot of people doing wrong things -yes, hitting and hurting included- while they still say they love the person they hurt and visa versa. So... I think if you love someone really much, but the whole world is against it and you start to doubt too, it can make you insane. And well, you only have to fall into a hole once, after that you just keep falling further and further and there only way is to get out is to eventually hit the bottom and start to work a way up again. So, yes, I think it's a pretty good reason.

If someone knows something better, you're free to share it with me. I won't retype this chapter or anything, because I like it the way it is, even with that shitty reason. Do people always need a reason, anyway? XD It's just for the sake of my story, damnit! XD No, no, just kidding.

And pleaaaaaaaaseee! **R E V I E W!** I almost got depressed after seeing how few people did review the previous chapter! XD Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but really, only three reviews? Meh... Please do review this one! It really helps me out a lot and makes my day! Please, I'm begging ya! XD

-At least I don't say 'give me x reviews or I won't update'- -Sorry, hate it when people do that- XD

**AND NOW THE CREDITS TO THIS WONDERFUL GIRL CALLED HOENN!**

Well, as always she corrected all the mistakes. -cough- Which doesn't include the one's made in this author's note. ... So ... XD

And you should all thank her and give her a big hug because it's mainly because of her I'm still working on this story and didn't start my new one! -Which is also about HikaxKao, so if you like this one, please read the other one too XD- But, really, I'm serious. I hardly finish a story, but everytime I wanna start on the new story I think: "Nooooo! I PROMISED HER I WOULDN'T!" XD And then I write further on this one. So if you like this story be thankful to her! XD

BIG HUG FOR HOENN!

See ya!


	7. Until Death Do Us Part

Okay. I'm only putting the neccessary things here. To understand this chapter you must know this: The things written **_in bold and italic_ **are **HIKARU's** memories. Hikaru's I say, not Kaoru's. So yes, in this story about Kaoru's point of view are pieces of Hikaru's memories. Just to make things a little more interesting. Please enjoy

_

* * *

_

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter Seven: Until Death Do Us Part.**

_This isn't happening._

Hands tied to the bed.

_This isn't real._

Eyes shut closed, not able to open up.

_He isn't leaving me._

And the sound, the terrible sound of someone packing his bags. Fear slices my breath in thousand pieces, making me gasp in pain. A zipper closes, someone stands up.

I know. I know it's you. I simply know that you're leaving me. I've never been so scared. I struggle, ignore the awful pain my body tells me I'm in. That doesn't matter now.

I can't let you leave. Oh please, please, don't leave me.

"Hikaru!" I have the feeling I'm yelling, but it's nothing more then a pathetic whisper.

"I told you, right?" he sounds cold and I can hear he's fighting the fear, too. "I told you everything was going to be alright today."

No, no! This is not alright! Don't you know, don't you know that after this pain we should be together? It's over now. God… it's over now… It's alright now! Don't leave me.

"Don't leave me" I cry, tears running faster than I can imagine.

I have to stop you. I have to keep you here. I have to make sure our love can go on. Don't be so stupid, Hikaru. Don't be so stupid to leave me. Don't do that to me. I can't live without you. I can't let our world crash down like this.

Don't leave me.

"Hikaru! Don't leave! Don't leave!" my lungs burn.

I can't see a thing. I can't get loose from the bed. I'm chained to the bed, to keep me from moving. Was yesterday… was that all so you could do this to me?

No! Don't tell me you lied, just so you could leave me now! Don't tell me you're this cruel. Please don't do that to me. I can't take that! Without you, I'll die. Without you, I'll slowly fade. The wounds will never heal again. The scars will never fade. I will remain dead. I will remain lost in this dark world. Don't lock me up in a cage without you.

Don't say that all of this was for nothing. Don't tell me that all those times I believed everything would be alright; I was wrong and just stupid. Don't tell me that all these times… don't tell me I was wrong about loving you!

After all I've done for you, after all those times I gave you my body, my soul, my heart, everything I have, I only ask one thing in return. That you stay with me. Don't say that it isn't worth that. Don't leave me here to die!

I struggle, feel the panic taking over my mind.

"Stop struggling. You won't get loose." A short silence fills the room. "You'll only end up hurting yourself."

No, no… don't leave me. Don't leave me. I feel the tears burn, feel how the ties cut in my wrists. I feel the blood dripping over my body. I can smell it, I can taste it, but I don't give up. I have to make you stop. If you leave, I'll lose everything. I'll lose my world, my love, my life…

"There is no other way, Kaoru! I have to leave you!" a cry and a last hit in my face. "If you want to live it has to be without me."

You're wrong. Because then I don't want to live at all. I don't even want to exist without you. My body hurts and my leg screams a silent scream by every move. I have to make this stop. I try to open my eyes, but all I meet is a dark world again.

I feel the world crashing down around me. All I fought for, all I did… it was going to be crushed in an instant. The moment you'll slam the door shut and I'll hear your footsteps fade, will be the moment I die. I can't let it come to this.

You saved me yesterday, just to kill me today. You have me heaven, showed me paradise, only to replace it with hell. You're cruel, Hikaru. You're crueler then I can handle. This is far too much. If you leave me, nothing will be alright.

This isn't supposed to be this way.

You said you loved me, right? You said you loved me and that today everything would be alright? Then why, god, **why **are you leaving me! How can things ever be alright if you leave?

"If I stay, I'll kill you."

"THEN KILL ME!! BUT DON'T LEAVE!" I scream, and I cough immediately afterwards, my lungs filling with blood.

Kill me, stab me, hurt me, use me, do everything you want, but don't, **don't** leave. Whatever you do, don't leave. I won't ask anything more, I won't dream of anything else.

I still can't see anything. I'm still tied to the bed. And you're still there, watching me.

But you're about to leave. I know. I know you're serious.

"It's the only way, Kaoru!" and then the sound of a door opening.

_No.no.no.no.no.no… NO! _

I scream and beg you to stay. I don't care if mom hears. I don't care if dad knows. But you can't leave me.

"Stop that!"

Silence again. Painful, killing silence.

"I'm leaving. And you can't stop me. I'll be going to a country far away from here. Don't you dare to ask Kyouya or anyone else to find me. From now on, Kaoru, you don't have a brother anymore."

Tears stream even faster and the struggling continues. I try to bite the ties, try to somehow get loose. I don't want to hear you talk anymore.

You know those words can never be fulfilled. You will always be my brother, my love. You will always be in my memory, written in my heart. You're in every move I make, in every breathe I take. You're me. I only live for you. Don't just take that away from me.

Don't you dare to just leave me here.

"Just stop it already!" I hear you crying.

I'm sorry, but I can't stop this. Pain flashes through my body and every single piece of my mind is telling me to stop fighting this, but I can't allow to let you leave. If you leave, there won't be a happy ending anymore. Even the hope is gone.

Maybe it hurts so much, because inside we've always known. We knew the happy ending was merely a dream.

If you don't want to fight for us, then it's over. If you don't want to stay for me anymore, then our hope is gone. If you leave me, the world will crash down around me and I won't be able to fight it.

As long as we're together, I can survive.

Don't kill me. Don't kill me after all this time.

"Hikaru! Hikaru!"

Silence.

"Oh! God! Are you still there! Hikaruuuuu! ARE YOU STILL THERE!"

Just a little longer, just a little longer I want to hear you voice. Just a little longer, I want you to smile. Just a little longer, I want you to stay. Everything we build up together for years, since the day we were born, is crashing down, shattering, and breaking apart.

Don't tell me love is this easily broken. Don't tell me that after all the pain I've endured just the words 'I'm leaving' will kill me. Don't make faith this cruel.

"I'm still here…" you whisper.

For a second I stop my useless fight. You're still here. You don't really want to leave, don't you? I can feel it in the sorrowful air lingering around us. I can feel it in the way you talk. I know, because you are still here. You haven't left me yet. There is still hope.

I have to keep on holding on a little longer. Just a little longer. And then everything will be alright. You will make things alright today; I'm sure, but not this way. Not this way. I won't let it be this way.

For the first time since our life, Hikaru, things will go like **I **want. Not like we want or you want, but just, completely my way. I won't let you decide over this if this is the solution you come up with. I won't let you kill me. I won't let you leave me. For this one time, I will fight until the very last end.

You were always the one who said that if you wanted hard enough, you could do everything. You were the one who said that yes, indeed, we **could **leave our world and step into a bigger one, but this world was simply the most beautiful. You were the one who said, that if I wanted something, no matter what others thought, I had to get it.

Because, you said, you would do exact the same thing.

Even if I have to move the world, even if I'll break my wrists, cut them over, I will not let you leave. Even if I have to go against your will, even if I have to hang onto your leg and cry, without any sense of proud, I will not let you step into that car and drive away from me.

I won't die this easily. Not after all I've done for you. Not now I know that we could be together.

How did it ever get this far? Didn't we tell each other that we loved each other? Didn't we say that in this whole world, there isn't a place more beautiful then by your side? Why? How, Hikaru? What did we ever do wrong?

Did I say something wrong yesterday? Was my pain too visible? Did I displease you in any way? Did I ever kill you? Did I ever hurt you so badly, I deserve this?

Is this all my fault and do I deserve to die like this? Or is it just fate again?

Or maybe, just maybe, is it just because you're not a strong as I think you are?

"I'm leaving now. Goodbye, Kaoru. I will miss you" a last cry.

A soft kiss pressed on my forehead. A tear that is not mine falling on my cheek.

Footsteps and desperate screams, as you make you way to the door.

And then...

… The disgusting sound of a door slamming shut.

I'm alone now. I'm all alone now.

* * *

I think I've screamed one last time. I'm still trying to get the ties lose. I must've blacked out from the pain, because I can't remember anything. Everything is erased out of my memory. 

Everything but that soft, but never so loud sound of the door slamming shut.

You really left. I don't know if even when I get loose, I will be able to stop you. I don't know. I only know that it hurts, more then anything in this world ever did. My body hurts, but my soul hurts a lot more.

You killed me. You calmly, completely aware of how much you would hurt, just left me alone. You never cared about me, did you?

It was all just lie.

I stop the fight. The pain is too much. I can't win this. And all those thoughts of determination, all those words of love, I hate them now. I hate them and despise them, wishing I never would've been so naïve as to believe that.

Our once unshakeable bond is no more. It was just a lie, too. It was just a fragile thing, ready to break by the slightest hit. You never really loved me. You never really cared about me. Because even if there was just the slightest, tiniest, smallest piece in your heart that cared about me, that loved me, you never would've left. You would've stayed. You would've endured the pain, just like I did. You wouldn't have killed me this way.

I can't see, I can't move. I can only think of how you betrayed me. All I've done for you was done for a lie. This wasn't worth the pain; this wasn't even worth living for.

You thought of this well. Yesterday wasn't all about the fact that I might've told Kyouya. Because you knew, of course you knew that I didn't. You can read my thoughts like I read books. You know what I'm feeling by the way my heart is beating. You've know me since the first minutes of our lives. You know me better then I do. Of course, it was so obvious; of course you knew that I didn't tell anyone.

You know I can't betray you like that. It's nearly impossible to say a bad word about you in my mind, let alone saying it to other people. It is wrong if they blame you, wrong because nothing can be entirely your fault. If it your fault, it's mine too.

We never thought about something differently. We were one, separated in two bodies.

Just how can you part with that so easily? Just how can you do this to me, without even caring?

A door opens.

Are you back?

Please tell me you're back! It stays quiet for a while, and then a loud yell pierces through the room. My muscles tighten. That wasn't a scream from you.

No, that was most definitely my mother.

A mother who watches how her son is tied up to the bed, his clothes ripper apart, blood still dripping over his body, blindfolded and scars all over his body. A mother who watches how her kid is terribly maimed and hurt. Yes, that kind is my mother right now.

"K-K-Ka…Kaoru!" I can hear her scream.

"Mom… I can… I can explain…" speaking hurts. Speaking hurts so awfully much.

"What happened! Oh, God, Kaoru! What happened?!"

Don't beg for help to the one you call 'God'. He doesn't exist. He never helped me. He didn't stop my twin from killing me.

"Mom… Did Hikaru leave already?" I feel how she is rumbling through our stuff.

Silence. The ties are cut through.

"Don't tell me he did this to you?" she takes the blindfold of as well.

I open my eyes and whish I could just let them close. Because what I'm facing is worse then death. I stare in my mother eyes, her cheeks wet from the tears, her hand trembling as she covers her mouth. She stares at me with that completely disgust look. She stares at me, with that awful look of someone who saw something terribly and can't comprehend.

Even mom doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that I love my brother. I don't think she wants to understand now.

"Mom! Did Hikaru leave already! I have to know!" the world spins and I grab my head.

"Why? Did he say he was leaving then? I think he's still here…" she says, while she continues to stare.

And then, the happiest smile crosses my face.

You didn't leave me yet. There is still some hope left.

I force myself up, but as soon as I try to take a step, I feel my one leg give in, my body protest, everything hurt.

But I can't give in.

If I want to live, this is my only change. If I want to be with you forever, I have to make it start now. If I want to love you, I have to get you back. I don't care that things are going way too far. I don't care that things like this shouldn't happen.

I just want you here, with me. To keep you there, I will do everything.

I don't want to believe everything was just a lie. I don't want to believe our world should end like this. We can still save our love. We can still rescue our fading bond.

Because we're brothers, Hikaru. Because we're twins. Because we made our own world once and we could do that again. We could push everyone outside, including our parents this time and we could live on. We could skip school, change school, don't go to school at all anymore. We could do anything, as long as we're together. We used to dream that when we were older and the whole world laid on our feet, we would travel around the world alone.

We would go like the poor people did, without all the money. We would go looking for an adventure. We would go through things like we saw in movies. We would be those boys who somehow don't have to go to school and solve crimes all around the world. We would be like the wind, like the leaves dancing in that wind, we wouldn't be caught ever. We would run for our lives, watch the world like our plaything.

But we would do it together, Hikaru. Never, not in one single plan we mentioned a 'me'. It was always 'we'. When we answered a question it was 'we'. When we talked to people, we did it together, or we finished each other sentences. When in class one of us had to read, the other would get up as well and read along.

There is no me and there is no you. There is only an us.

We are above human beings, our bond is above love. We are special. We are gods. We created our own world.

And we're the only ones who can break it down. Do gods ever fight? Did they ever fight over the world? Has there ever been a God who desperately tried to protect a world, while the other wanted it just as desperately gone?

And how come they ever got those divided thoughts?

We were always the same. We always liked the same things. Then why, why is this is different? Why can't we think the same about this too?!

I force my leg to move, stumble more then I run to the door. My leg gives in and I fall against the door, pushing it open. My clothes are ripped and I'm more naked then clothed and I know that if I continue this there won't be a change that it heals completely anymore.

But I don't care.

I ignore my mother who screams like she saw hell, repeating my name over and over again. I ignore the looks of the maids, looking at the being that has been degrade from God in a world to nothing. I ignore the pain. What is pain anyway?

I only pray to anyone who wants to listen that you're still there.

I fall almost of the stairs, my leg not working with me. I stumble and feel the stiles hitting my back, my leg, the back of my head. The world turns and I'm falling. I'm falling and there isn't a boy who looks just like me to stop me from falling.

At the bottom of the stair my fall ends. My body hurts even more and I hear a disgusting, sickening, yet so familiar snapping of a bone. My face lies against the ice cold floor and I feel how I'm going to black out again.

Just a little longer. I have to survive just a little longer.

If you're not there when I fling open the door that leads outside, I can die. If you're not there anymore to keep me alive I'll die.

You opened the gate only we have to right way of opening from and you slammed the gate back shut. You locked it and I can't escape. You watched me from the other side, like we watched those animals in the zoo. You and me, we have been separated for such a long time, but we couldn't admit. We aren't one. We should be one, but we aren't. You are you and I am the one you created.

There is only one God.

And there is the pathetic, crying servant.

There is you. And there is me.

But there hasn't been a 'we' for such a long, long time. We only said there was, because we knew we couldn't survive without that.

But now I lay here, my cheek against the floor, my head hurting, my eyes closing shut, now I know.

Now I realize this is why no one ever understood us. Now I realize this is why I'm pathetic and you're not. Now I realize that is has been our lie for so long. It was all an act all along and we silently agreed with that.

Maybe I don't even love you that way. Maybe it's just something I'm telling myself to give me a reason for doing this.

If it wasn't for love, why would a person put himself through a pain like this? If it wasn't for someone really special, why would a person stay?

That doesn't make sense. It had to be that way, even when we knew it wasn't.

It's not about love anymore. It's not about us anymore. It's about some far bigger. I don't really understand, but I just know. This isn't the way our love was meant to be. This is what we made it. This is how we screwed up when we were coming closer to crossing the line.

Why didn't we just cross it? Yes, it's wrong, but did we ever care? Why didn't we just kiss each other and push it even further then that? Because we misunderstood each other.

Because we were afraid. Because one didn't care and the other cared too much. Because we both know that if we loved, we would eventually put our bond to an end.

That's why you ended it this way.

It was all about keeping yourself alive, and hoping so to keep the other alive. But it isn't working, and we know. We had to invent something else, be quick, before we fell apart.

It's not surprising people can't take that.

But all that… It doesn't matter. I will create a new world then, together with you. We could write our story again, create a brand new fairytale. We can live together once again. There is no need to be apart, Hikaru. There is not need to walk alone, while I could walk beside you.

I broke my wrist, I think, because when I try to push myself up all that happens is a leaving scream and I fall back. I feel hands on my back.

"Hika…" one of the maids says.

"Kaoru" I bite back, my voice full of pain.

I'm Kaoru. Hikaru might not even be here anymore.

"Ah! Gomen! Kaoru-sama! Are you alright?" she quickly says.

She helps me up.

"Did he leave?" blood drips from the corner of my mouth.

"Who did, master?" she asks, while keeping me from falling.

"Hikaru" an insane grin show up on my face. "You know, my twin."

"Ah, no! I think he's still…" But I didn't let her end that sentence.

I push myself away from her, fall and stumble forward. I have to see it for myself. I want you to see me when I fall at your knees and die. Yes, this time, I want you to be in pain as well. I want to drive that crazy you will beg me to stay alive and then I won't have to die.

It worked before. Because you somehow still cared and you never let me die. Please care about me a little longer. It's all I'm asking for.

My breath goes in painful gasps and the world turns so much taking a straight step forward is impossible. The door never seemed so far away.

Still five steps.

I cough and blood leaves my mouth.

Four steps.

I bend over and throw up some blood.

Still three steps.

I can't let you leave.

Two steps.

My arm reaches out for the door handle.

One step.

I stumble again and the world goes black for a few seconds. I fall against the door again and hit the hard stones. Once again I have to lay there for a while, while I'm desperately trying to catch my breath.

* * *

_**Light filled the room at an alarming rate. The boy in the bed shuffled a little, nudging his brother, who lay more on him then next to him. He never minded though. He rather liked it. No, maybe love was a better word. It was the way they were meant to be. His twin didn't know, but the boy really believed in things like 'destiny'. It had such a mysterious, addicting, yet killing sound to it. He just couldn't help it but to feel somehow attached to it.**_

_**Almost like destiny was going to have its way with him soon.

* * *

**_

I cough, feeling eyes burn on my shoulders. I know, I just know you're still there. I have to get up. I have to get up quickly and get you back. I have to make you remember what I'm remembering now.

I have to make you love me again.

* * *

_**It was just an act. That was what they told everyone who thought it was disgusting. They never found a better excuse. Maybe everything was the fault of that blonde boy, who told them apart by just pure luck and had them come to that stupid club with that even more stupid name. **_

_**Yes, he still remembered. He still remembered that day. He still remembered how they were 'acting' again, how they were standing there and his brother caught his hand in his own. **_

_**It was on that moment, when their eyes stared into each other a little too long, when they pulled a little too close, when he could feel his brother's breath on his lips; it was then that he knew.**_

_**He still remembered the day destiny caught him into his cruel game.

* * *

**_

"Why don't you just give up already? There's no way you can make me stay! I'm… I'm leaving now!"

The golden knife is shining in your hand, reflecting the sunlight is a beautiful, obscure way. Your hand is clenched tight around it, holding on for dear life. I can see through the turning blur how you turn away, taking a step away from me.

Don't leave.

* * *

_**He sat on his bed. It was just a regular night, just a regular life. But somehow he felt terrible bad. He felt like his world was going to crash down.**_

_**He was a sinner. He was disgusting. He was wrong. **_

_**That was what the whole world would think if they knew what he was thinking about. If they knew that he wanted to do such things with his twin. He couldn't bear it. It was too much. It drove him insane. **_

_**It was too much for him to handle. He had to end it somehow. He had to crack an indestructible bond. He couldn't leave like this. He couldn't leave without being hated by his own twin brother. He had to break him, hurt him, betray him, until there was nothing left of their love and he could leave with the thought that it was only for the best.**_

_**How was he supposed to know that love can't be taken down like that?

* * *

**_

I force myself up once again, reach out for his hand, and try to keep him here. My heart skips a few beats and I think it has trouble beating. I never felt so hurt.

I never felt so alone. I never felt so left behind.

Everyone is scared to be alone. Everyone has that terrible, unstoppable fear of being left alone. It's what makes humans who they are. I don't think it's weak. I don't think that's right.

Love is never ever wrong.

* * *

_**It was only a small crime. It was just the start of a course that would lead to his brother's death. He didn't want it to end this way. He really never whished for that to happen. But he couldn't fight faith. He couldn't fight the pain. He was weak after all. He was only holding to the only thing he wanted to destroy.**_

_**Love.**_

_**He never knew his brother was so strong, when he was so weak. He never knew his brother could love when he only hated. It was all new. Everything was. He didn't recognize himself or his brother anymore. **_

_**He was trapped. He was trapped inside the cage he built himself. He was trapped inside his own pain. He couldn't escape anymore. He couldn't get himself out.**_

_**So he just went deeper, deeper, further, further inside. He fought the pain with only more pain, forgot the screams by making his brother scream so hard that he couldn't hear that voice in his head anymore. He fought the humiliation by making his brother into a toy.**_

_**The pain only got worse.**_

* * *

I finally grab your hand. 

"Hikaru!" I yell one last time. "Don't leave-"

I never ended that sentence. I never got the change. Because this time, he ended it for sure.

Your face is close to mine. Your hand holds the knife and is lying on my chest. The pain fades and the world stops turning. I slowly look down and watch how the blood colors my chest red.

I think your screaming.

From a distance, a distance that has nothing to do with me anymore, I can hear someone screaming.

**Kaoru!**

It doesn't mean anything to me.

**Don't die!**

I think you're crying. My eyes fall shut. Blood leaves my mouth and then I stagger and fall on the ground.

I think I failed after all.

**Kaoru! Kaoru! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!**

The world fades. This is the end. This is how I died after all.

* * *

_**Everything happened so sudden. He was about to walk away, to end it all. Finally, finally he got the strength to leave his brother. Finally he didn't need to kill his brother anymore.**_

_**Why was he such an idiot? Why did he believe in love this much? **_

_**Without a warning, he grabbed his hand and he could feel how weak that grip was, even when he knew that he was holding on with all his might. He was pulled back a little nevertheless and he turned around, his hand held high. **_

_**He never meant to kill his brother. He never meant to kill his other half.**_

_**But destiny was probably waiting on this change all along.**_

_**It all happened to fast. His knife planted inside his brother chest. **_

_**They stared at each other for moments, both not comprehending what happened. But then he got it.**_

_**He killed his own twin brother. Before their house, with all the trees as his witnesses, he ended his brother's life.**_

_**It was on that moment that he started screaming desperately. It was on that moment that he realized what he did. It was on that moment that he knew that love couldn't be ended unless one of them died. **_

_**His brother staggered and fell on the ground. **_

_**He just continued screaming. He just continued crying hysterically, shouting, screaming, repeating his name over and over again, even if he knew this was his fault.**_

_**It was the promise they made. It was the only way to end their love.

* * *

**_

And then, there was no pain anymore. There was no sadness and no regret. There was no smile and no tear. There was nothing anymore. Only the black.

There was only that one single awareness.

Love cannot save anyone.

* * *

Heeeeey! This is me again! Yay! Sooohooo! I'm cruel, no? Just too cruel for words. I have no idea where that all came from. Maybe I'm just a sadist XD Well, there is one more chapter coming up. Oh, and what did you think about Hikaru's memories inside this chapter? I thought it was something nice to do, a little confusing and distracting. We can't focus on Kaoru's pain too much right? XD I hope you're all happy that it's a little shorter again... XD The last one will be awfully long again, I'm afraid XD

PLEASE REVIEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!! Please, please, please! I love reviews soooooooo much! Please? (a) And it will helpt me finishing this story! FINISHING STORIES IS SO HARD! It's unhuman! Cruel! Painful! I don't really want to say goodbye to this story either -cries- XD

God, I'm sooooo tired... I don't have the power to write anything more here XD Well, I don't think the chapter needs much explanation either. XD

**Credits to Hoenn:**

As always, the wonderful girl took the time to get out all of my spellingsmistakes. Well, the ones in the story, not in the author's note XD Yay for Hoenn!


	8. Still Together

_**To Keep You Here.**_

**Chapter Eight: Still together.**

_I'm nothing. _

_I'm no longer Kaoru. I'm no longer in that world. I'm a ghost, an empty thing, floating through an unknown dimension. There is no more pain. There is no sadness, no regret, and no words. There is only silence. Only me. For the first time in my life I'm all alone. No. This isn't my life anymore. This is something else, something after that._

_Am I dying? Is this how dying feels? Did you kill me? Did you finally part us? Are we separated now? Are you happy now? Are you smiling?_

_I don't even remember who this 'you' is, but somehow it's very important to me. Somehow it's something I need to be worried about. Somehow I just care._

_I'm falling. Time doesn't matter in this place. I'm soaring, floating, flying, falling, and tumbling. I'm doing a thousands things and I feel so very empty. There is nothing in this world. This world is black._

_There is no light. There is no hope. There is nothing._

_Not even me. Because I'm not real anymore. I'm nothing. I'm one with this world, one with the dark. I'm drifting away further from where I used to be. There isn't anything to hold on. There is nothing to stop this. There is nothing. _

_There is only this ice cold silence. I open my mouth, as to say something, as to say something very important, but there is nothing breaking through the silence. There is nothing that can stop this. I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough alone._

_And falling doesn't even feel this bad. The further I drift away, the further I sink, the more the pain fades. All the pain is gone. All the fear is dead. There is nothing wrong anymore. No, this world isn't this bad. I'm alone, but I'm not sad. I don't feel anything. I'm not trying to stop this. I'm not trying to somehow fight back. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. There is no way I can save myself. _

_Didn't I feel enough pain?_

_Maybe this is the only kind of happy ending I can have. Maybe this is the only way to ease to pain, to end the suffering. This world will end soon, too. I know. I know that soon I will hit the bottom and that will mean the end. I know that when the falling stops, everything will end._

_And then, there won't be any pain anymore. _

**- K… -**

_From a distance, a voice is calling me. It has nothing to do with me anymore. But the voice awakens something. I don't know why. I don't know how. But somehow, I'm trying to remember._

_I'm sure I heard that voice before. I'm sure that somewhere before I heard that name. I'm sure that it used to have something to do with me. _

_I just can't remember. _

**- Kao… -**

_The voice doesn't fade. Even when I'm sinking further and further away, the voice doesn't fade with the growing distance. It only sounds firmer, more persistent, and more urgent. I need to remember. I need to remember what he is trying to say and what meaning it holds. I need to remember who the owner of this voice is._

_Because I'm sure I used to care about him in some way. _

_I'm starring at a mirror. But it isn't me I'm seeing. I'm seeing someone's memories, a movie playing. I saw it somewhere before. I saw it all before and it held a special meaning to me back then. I can't remember. I can only watch. I can only stand and stare._

_**It wasn't supposed to go like that. It wasn't supposed to be like that. They weren't supposed to fall in love. They weren't supposed to really feel like this. They were still young. But already too old to not know about love. They really never meant for that to happen. They just couldn't help it. They just couldn't help falling in love. There was no way around it. **_

_**He still remembered. It was while they were doing one of those acts. When they were pretending to be in love. When they were still acting. **_

_**They were holding onto each other tight. They're faces were barely separated; they were only a breath away from each other. He could feel how his brother's hands tightened a little, how his grip became tighter. He felt how everything changed. The air was now filled with something more. With something more then should be. It was a sin. It was wrong. It was against all morals. It was disgusting.**_

_**But they couldn't help it.**_

_**While he stared into his twin's eyes, he fell in love. **_

_I know that I've seen a thing like that before. The mirror shatters. Thousands of pieces fly around and if I still was something, it would've cut me painfully, but it doesn't matter anymore now. I'm nothing and this world is an illusion. _

_I'm already dead. I'm already to far gone to be saved. There has never been an escape for me. There has never been a love for me. There wasn't a way around it._

_And still I'm falling. _

_The movie plays on, shows me yet another thing and the voice keeps calling that name._

_**He was alone. He was all alone in the dark room. His hands were clenched around the blanket, his face hidden in his pillow. He didn't want to be like this. He didn't want to have such disgusting thoughts. He hated this, he hated himself the most. **_

_**But he couldn't stop it. He was too weak, he was too fragile. He just wanted to be loved, too. He just wanted to be together. He didn't want to be alone anymore. Loneliness kills. Even the strongest could be brought down by the thought of being alone. Humans aren't made to be alone. He wasn't made to be without his twin. He wasn't made to cry like this.**_

_**He just couldn't stop. Just couldn't find another way to live. He was in love with his twin. He was in love with the one that looked exactly like him. He was the most perverted, disgusting person in the whole world. He wanted to die; he wanted to just leave this cruel world behind him. If he only was a little stronger… he would've… he would've stopped this somehow. But destiny already caught him. Destiny was already playing its cruel game with him.**_

_**He wasn't meant to love. He wasn't meant to be loved in return. **_

_**The door slowly opened. He pretended to sleep, knowing very well that person was standing there. He just slowly walked over to the side of his bed and sat down. There were no words for a long time, but they both knew the other knew. They couldn't hide anything from each other. They couldn't lie. They couldn't pretend. Words weren't needed, no looks or desperate touches. The silence was enough. The fact that he was there, sitting and staring at his identical face was enough to live for.**_

_**It was enough to die for.**_

"_**Kaoru?" **_

_**No reaction. He was too afraid to speak. He was too afraid to let him see him crying. If he saw that he would go ask. And he couldn't ask, because he couldn't lie. He would know, by the first word he would know he was lying. And then he'd get mad, because he didn't like it when someone was lying to him. They were supposed to trust each other, to tell each other everything.**_

_**And he hated himself for betraying that trust.**_

"_**I know you're not sleeping."**_

_**A quiet sob. His grip tightened and he hid his face even more. He swallowed and begged in all silence for him to leave. Even when this was one of those moments he needed him the most, he hoped that he would just leave now. He didn't need this. The more he smiled to him, to more he said those kind words, the worse it got. He only loved him more. He only fell in love more. He only became more disgusting. He was a horrible person, to love his twin this much. He was terrible for not being able to be like everyone else. He was disgusting and awful to betray his twin like this. **_

_**And he couldn't stop it. He couldn't end it. He broke their bond. He shattered their world. He couldn't trust his own twin anymore. He loved his twin and he couldn't. He would hate him if he told he did so. For the first time in their life there was this secret between this, this silent wall, growing bigger and taller and less penetrable every day. By every breath they take, every time they smiled to each other, they killed each other a little more. They both knew. Something changed and it was treating to let them perish. This world was the only one they had and they were bringing it down. And it was his entire fault, for falling in love with his twin. **_

_**Maybe it was better if he left. Maybe it was better if he never even existed. If he never was there, his twin wouldn't be alone when he left him. He would've made a lot of other friends. He would've been so much happier. His life would've been so much more beautiful. He was ruining it all.**_

_**He was destroying his life. And he couldn't stop. It only got worse, because he only fell in love more with his twin. He tried not too, but over and over, he fell in love. His twin was too sweet, too cute, to damn perfect to not fall in love with him. He wasn't like his twin at all. **_

"_**Hikaru… I…"**_

_**He couldn't stop himself from crying.**_

"_**Kaoru… Don't worry about a thing."**_

_**Long fingers ran through his hair, slowly caressing his head and slowly moving to his shoulders. He tried not to tremble too much, but he was failing terribly. He just couldn't help it. He never meant to hurt his twin like this. He never meant to betray him like this. He never meant to be such a horrible person. But it happened and he couldn't turn back. He couldn't turn back time. He fell in love and he couldn't think love was wrong. Not even when it was your own twin you loved. Not even when you were risking everything for that love.**_

"_**Because you know, everything will be alright. It's okay if no one understands. It's okay if you can't tell me yet. It's okay if there is no one on this world who agrees. It's okay if it's just you and me. You and me against the world. It's okay if only you and I exist. And whatever you are thinking, please remember this: …"**_

_And I'm trying so hard to remember. The world turns black again. I'm trying to repeat those words you said to me back then. I'm trying to hear your voice, to let your voice save me again. Far, far away, soft, so soft, I can hear something. I can hear a voice knocking on these impenetrable walls. I can hear something calling me. I can someone screaming something. It's getting louder and louder and by each time it's repeated I somehow want to reach out for it more and more. I want to listen. _

_I don't want to fall anymore. Please, let me hear, let me listen. _

**- Kaoru! -**

_The scream broke the silence. Everything crashes down around me. Everything breaks. I'm standing all alone while the world is coming down at my feet. I can't stop this, I can't scream. I can only listen to that voice who finally got a name._

"_**As long as we're together, everything will be fine."**_

_The voice got a name. The face in the mirror got one too. And it's the same name. It's your name. It's the name I'm trying to scream back. The name you've been screaming was my name, right? _

_And there is only one person who could shout my name like that. There is only one person who could break through this silence. There is only one person strong enough to get through to me. There is only one person I love enough to live for._

_Please save me, Hikaru._

_Something is pulling me back. Something makes me want to scream. I can't give into this wonderful feeling yet. Because I have something to live for. I have something to fight for. There is a reason to stay in that other world, to fight my way out of this black dimension. _

_- _**I love you! -**

_It's you. It's you who brought me here and it's you who will pull out. It's your voice, your desperation, your beautiful determination calling for me. It's you who's begging me to life. I'll do anything for you. Everything._

_And then I remember. I remember the words that marked our lives._

"_**There is nothing on this world that can change my love for you. And if you need me, I'll always be there for you. You know, right? You know that we are meant to be together."**_

_Not even death can part us. Not even this can separate us. I'm reaching out, reaching out to something to grab on. I'm falling faster. I'm falling, floating, soaring, drifting away, fading, tumbling, and reaching out._

_And then something grabs my hand. The falling stops. It's over. Now I only have to fight my way back up. I can survive now._

**- Kaoru! Don't die! -**

_The pain takes over again. Surviving on nothing more then the sound of his voice calling out for me, I work my way back up, through the shattered pieces of a live that once was. No, maybe it's better to say something is pulling me back, faster than I can take for real. I'm flying back, everything rewinds. I don't belong here._

"_**We are meant to be together."**_

_I still belong by your side. I still belong to you. I still belong in that cruel and painful world, just because you're there, too. I'll never leave you behind. I'll never leave you alone to cry. _

**- Don't leave me alone -**

_I can't die just yet. Somehow, I'm meant to live a little longer. I'm meant to live with your for a little longer. _

_Because you were the one who saved me. You were the one that pulled me back. Pain slashes through my soul, and then the world ends again._

_I'm back. You brought me back. _

**- I'm so sorry -  
**

**

* * *

**

* * *

"Kaoru? Kaoru?!" 

I cough a little and open my eyes. Pain flashes through my head and I immediately close my eyes again. Everything hurts. I can't move. Even breathing is a task that is almost getting too much to handle. I opened my eyes for just a few seconds, but I saw what kept me alive.

It was you. You're sitting there, on the border of the bed, your hand over mine. You're sitting there, like a hurt kid who is about to lose something precious. You're sitting there, by my side. You didn't leave me.

And I know. It hits me so sudden I can barely hold it down, but I know.

This is my happy ending. This is the only kind of happy ending I will ever get. And to me, it's the most perfect ending I could get. It's the most beautiful gift you could ever give me. You didn't leave me, because you love me. The fact that you didn't leave me yet, just proves that you never will. You're not weak, no, you're so much stronger then me, so when you say you're going to leave, you do so. You were always the one who made the decision, while I only followed. You were always the one who was strong, while I was only weak.

But it's alright now. Because you're still there.

Your love kept me alive; your love is healing these terrible wounds. Even when the pain is unbearable now, hurting me so bad I almost wish I could just go back to that world, I know everything will be alright in the end. You will stay by my side now, you won't leave me anymore. We're back. We're both back. Our love couldn't be cracked, not even when we both wished for it, even when that moment didn't last longer then a few seconds. Our bond is indestructible after al. We are one and therefore we simply cannot be separated. It's impossible. We are able to live through this, just as long as we're together. There is nothing that can end our love.

We just proved that again. We just made it clear to ourselves that nothing changed. Destiny tested our love, but it lost. I love you and you still love me, because you wouldn't be here if you didn't.

"Kaoru? Are you awake?"

"Hikaru?"

There is this pounding in my head. My chest feels like it's ripped apart and I can't open my eyes. I feel terrible, but I've never been happier. You're still here. You're here and your holding my hand, without thinking of ever letting go again.

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru! I'm so sorry!" you cry and immediately I feel your warmth against my chest.

Your hand leaves mine and you lay your hands on my shoulders, hiding your face in my chest. It hurts, but I don't say anything. I feel how your tears slowly wet my clothes, who probably aren't mine anymore, I feel your hands clutching around unfamiliar fabric. I feel your love. It's overflowing, gushing out, begging to be seen. Begging to live again. Begging to be revived. Your body trembles and you stroke my hair, caress my cheek and cry. Just mindlessly, continuously cry.

There is nothing else that can explain. There is nothing else worth listening. Words are not enough in our world. For the first time in since I can remember, we are one again and I know by the sound of you quiet gasps how you're feeling. Your heart beats softly against my chest. It makes my heart beat as well. It makes my life a little more worth it. It makes the pain fade a little.

"Please forgive me! Please! I really never meant to… It was just an accident! I couldn't help it! I really never mean to hurt you! I'm so sorry! So sorry! Sorry…" you cry, pulling me so close I can't breathe anymore.

"Hikaru… It's… It's alright…" I whisper, not able to say anything more.

You loosen your grip, like you know you're hurting me even when your intentions are all good. Yes, of course you know. You've always known me, through everything. You've known me since I was born and you'll know me until the day I die. We are one. We were never two. God made a terrible mistake by putting us in two separated bodies, but we're smarter. We know we're one. We love the fact we're one.

This is our love. This is how our magic works. You didn't leave me. You're still there. We can't leave each other. We know this is wrong, but we can't care. This is the only love meant for us. Other people don't understand, but we don't need them to. We don't need anyone else. As long as you're here with me, I can take on this world. I don't need anyone outside this world, I only need you. I need you and for you I'll fight until the very end. I'm still fighting. I'm still trying.

Even when we thought there wasn't any hope left for us, we couldn't give up yet. Maybe we've known this al along. Maybe we saw this coming somehow. Maybe all we did was just the way that would lead us down this path, which would result in this situation. This was our path all along. This is our way of loving. There is no way around it. Our love is born out of pain. That terrible pain, that terrible feeling of loneliness.

Without each other, we're lonely. Without each other, we're nothing. We can't separate because it would be the same as killing yourself. We can't live without each other.

Your hand falls on mine again and you interlace your fingers with mine. You're the only thing I have to keep me inside this world. You're the only thing that keeps me here. For you, my dear brother, I'll life. For you, my love, I will do everything. I won't regret going through this pain. Not if this is what keeps you here.

Do you still love my pain so much? Or do you just love me now?

Either way, I won't care. If you stay with me, even if that means you'll be hitting me, I'm happy. As long as I can see that smile on your face and I'm the reason behind it, even if it's only my pain, I won't complain. There is no one on this world who can understand the beauty of our love. Other loves are just convenient; they don't have to go through this pain. It's all about butterflies in your stomach, the sunshine, the feeling everything is alright and nothing is wrong anymore.

Our love couldn't be like that. Our love couldn't ever be like that. We know, but we aren't afraid for that.

We know we are wrong. We know. We know everything. We're not stupid. We locked ourselves in our world, to prepare us on the day something like this would happen. We had to protect ourselves. I don't care about anything now. I only care about you.

My life means nothing to me. Sometimes I think I'm more you then I'm me, but that doesn't really matter, since we're the same anyway. If we both want to you could be Kaoru and I could be Hikaru. It's just a name, but it holds no meaning to us. You're my other half, not Hikaru. You're my love, not Hikaru. You're my life, my everything, my sun, the air I breathe. You're my world; you're the reason for walking, for being me. I love you, more then I should, more then anyone can understand. I love you and you're everything to me.

I won't give up now. I'll never give up. I'm not a strong person, but if it's to keep you here, I will move this world.

And this all, was worth is.

Because you're here. You're still here. You're sitting next to me, holding my hand like we used to. There is still pain lingering in the air, but the love, the silent understanding, the beautiful symmetry is back. Everything is back like is used to be. The pain will fade. I won't even remember over a year or maybe even sooner. Your love will save me. You will always save me. You won't let me down. You won't leave me.

"Hikaru… Don't ever leave me" I whisper again.

"Of course not! God! I'm never going to let you go again! I'm so sorry, Kaoru! I'm so sorry for everything now! But I'm smarter now! I won't do something like this ever again! I won't hurt you ever again!" you tighten your grip on my hand and run your fingers through my hair.

"I'll never let you go anymore" and I know you're smiling, while the tears stream down your face. "Because I love you. I love you more then anything else and I'm not ashamed anymore. We're… We're just meant to be together. And that's not wrong! That's definitely not wrong!"

No, you're right. We're not wrong. Our love isn't wrong. It's just different. It's not classic, it's not like everyone thinks it's supposed to be, but there isn't any kind of love that could be more beautiful. We endured all this horrible, nameless, mindless, awful pain for this love. It's more then anyone else can take. I know. That's the reason everyone keeps telling me I should've left you.

Because they'll never love like I do. Because they'll never know what real love is. Because they'll only think about the fairytales they read. Because there isn't anyone on this world who is as wonderful as you and as worthy to live for.

You're not like me, we're not the same, but we're one. This is absolute. This is a fact, a simply knowledge that cannot be changed. We're not like everyone else. Maybe we found the best kind of fairytale.

Maybe now, on this moment, I'm the happiest person this earth will ever know. There won't be anyone able to reach this point of happiness. No one can reach this point, no one but me can feel like this. You've saved me. You've endured all the pain for me.

I'm worth living for.

Could there be anything more beautiful? Could there be anything to be happier about than this? Could there be any better ending?

For us, there never was. This is the only and perfect happy ending. I love you and you love me. All the problems are gone now. All the pain will fade now.

I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. Yes, maybe I pictured it a little and it wouldn't involve a hospital, a knife wound on my chest and that needle in my arm, maybe it didn't involve all this pain and the never fading scars, but it definitely involved you. And that's the most important fact. Other then that, nothing matters. I don't need a kiss filled with passion, filled with tender love under the velvet sky, filled with thousand stars. I don't need a fountain of sweet promises and words.

I only need you. I only need to hear you say you won't leave me and you love me. Other then that, there is nothing in the world that matters.

"Kaoru… I'm so sorry… Don't you… Don't you hate me now?"

I force my eyes open. White walls blind my sight, but I focus on you. I really want to see you.

"I'll never hate you" I promise.

"I love you, Kaoru!" you scream again, looking back at me and I can see the tears in your eyes.

A little smile breaks through.

"I really love you."

"I love you too."

Your smile widens even more and you've never been more beautiful before. You've never been so hopeful before. I can feel it. I can feel the hope overflowing. Hope is the only thing we have left. We live on hope and love. There is nothing else inside our world. There is nothing else needed.

You smile to me and slowly embrace me once again. I wrap my arm that isn't connected with an infusion, the needle partly out of my arm, around you neck. I can feel you heart beating against my chest again and I shut my eyes.

Isn't this the perfect way of ending this? Isn't this the perfect way of love? Isn't this the perfect kind of fairytale?

To me, it certainly is.

"I thought you'd never wake up again" you say, still embracing me, whispering in my ear. "The doctors said you were a lost case…"

"But it's because of you I'm still alive!" I protest.

"What do you mean?" you laugh, and for the first time since so long it doesn't sound that awfully hollow anymore.

You're laughing because you're happy now. You're laughing because you know everything is over now. This is where our love can start. This is where we can start to live again.

We had to destroy everything we build, to make a new, a better world. In the world we had before something like loving each other wouldn't be possible. But in this world, the world we'll build together, stone by stone, memory by memory, such a thing will be the main part of living. It will be everything. To completely start again, over new, to be brand new, you have to destroy every trace that once was there.

That is what we did, only to be able to love. I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I never did and I never will. Because this is where our love will take a hold of our lives. The pain ended and we both survived it. There isn't anything else that could possibly test our love. We both rejected Haruhi, the only girl that ever dared to intrude in our world; we both put her coldly outside again, just so we can stay together. We both never made any other friends then each other, even if we both know there are people enough we could eventually like. There just isn't anyone out there who compares to you.

Everything we did, everything we endured, every word we said, was all just in order to keep this world. We never wanted to lose that, we never thought of changing it. We were always alone. We were alone, but we weren't lonely.

Just the two of us. No one else.

We're only human after all. Even we can't carry the weight of this heavy world on our shoulders and pretend like there is nothing wrong. We could've taken on everything, as long as we're together. We could've beaten everything. You and me against everyone else.

We could've taken everything, except something that might break our bond. But we couldn't help falling in love either. So what to do? What to do? What to do when you're on the edge, what to do when you're living in your own world and you can't it? What to do if even the rules you made yourself won't allow your deepest and most passionate desire? What to do, what to do?

I think you solved it better then I ever could. And therefore I'm not mad. I don't mind, I don't mind how we get here, I don't care about what happened before. All that matters is that we're here, and you're holding me and you promised me to never let go.

Even death couldn't separate us. Because you wanted me to live so badly you didn't give up, I couldn't die yet. We always want the same things. We always do the same things. We always believe in the same things. So if you believe that I couldn't die, want that I didn't die, then I wouldn't die. You brought me back because you love me. You love me and therefore I'll love you. We are still together.

Everything will be alright now.

* * *

* * *

We never went back to Ouran. We're in another school now, but I don't remember the name anymore. I think I miss Haruhi, Tamaki, Kyouya, Honey and Mori… I think I miss those times in the Host Club, the fainting girls, even the annoying sound they make. I think I miss the way we dressed up as something different each time, the way we could tease our Lord with our pranks. I think I miss the halls, the third music room. I think I miss it a lot.

But it doesn't really matter. I don't really mind. Because even when you said you wouldn't, you came with me. We are in the same school. And we sit next to each other and we hold hands under the table, when our teacher isn't looking. The girls still scream, still faint and we do our own little plays as if we were still there, still in the Host Club. We didn't really make any other friends, but we never intended too. Lessons are the same everywhere, they are always boring.

I paid Kyouya back for his glasses and we settled everything about how the Host Club would go on without us on the phone. I'm sure Kyouya hates me now, for leaving him all alone with our Lord and taking the Brotherly Love act away from the Host Club. He sounded only a little relieved when he heard it was me on the phone and I wasn't killed. I spoke with Haruhi once too, not much, I just whished her good luck with not getting harassed by our Lord when we were gone. I spoke Honey too and he promised me we would go eat cake one day. We both know that day will never come.

I'll never see them again. The Host Club will be erased out of our memory. It doesn't hold any real value. It's just a small price to pay in exchange for your love. It felt nice though, hearing their voices once again, hearing Honey's little, cute crying on the phone, hearing our Lord's panicking voice, laughing with him. But I don't really care if I have to give them up for you. They're nothing compared to you. Their lives hold no values when it is compared by your company.

I underwent surgery for my face and other then a few paler, whiter spots on my face, there isn't anything left of the scars that once maimed it. People can't tell us apart on our new school and no one can imagine how happy I'm about that. They don't know about what happened in our past. When someone accidentally sees a scar of mine, we'll both tell that person about an accident that happened. I know we'll say the same, even if we never really said what exactly we would say. We'll just know, just like we knew before.

A month has passed now. We erased that horrible time out of our mind, or at least we try to. We'll never talk to anyone about it. If someone from Ouran might see us and start about it, or if our Lord calls us again, we would just deny everything. You would never hurt me. You would never do such a thing. It's just a nightmare. It's just a thing that never happened. It never really happened.

We don't talk about it. We don't apologize. We just love. I hide my scars and we don't have a mirror in our room anymore. We still sleep together, curled up to each other, so close it's like I'll disappear into your warm chest any moment. When we sleep, you wrap your arms around me, interlace your fingers with mine. I first stiffened at each touch and sometimes, when you come too close to my waist, when your fingers caress too low, I have to keep myself from crying again.

But you always stop. From the second I bit my lip and clench my hands around your T-shirt a little tighter, you immediately stop. It's different now and I'm slowly, very, very slowly starting not to be afraid anymore.

This is harder then I thought it was. Even when I said I forgive you, I always jump up when you come in our room, I always jump away when you touch me, stiffen, and freeze. I can't help it, but every time again it just flashes through my body, the pain, the pictures.

I can hear myself screaming again then. I hear myself scream, beg, and cry. I can see the blood slowly dripping down my cheeks; I can feel the awful pain. I can feel how you ripped me apart, how you destroyed me. I just can't help it. It overflows me and it makes me scared. I hate that feeling. I hate that I can't forget this. I hate the way my body reacts on your touches, how my eyes always fill with tears. I hate the way I start sobbing and crying like a little child when you tell me you love me.

I hate the way I forgave you, but I still remember.

I'm dishonest with you. You say it's okay, that you understand, that really, it's only normal, but I feel so terribly dishonest. I told you it's alright, didn't I? I told you that everything, everything was going to be okay then. But even now, a month later, four weeks later… I still can't look straight at you without feeling terribly afraid.

When someone slams the door shut, I grab my head and try not to panic. When I hear glass crashing on the ground, I jump up and have to keep myself from screaming. When someone touches me, unless it's you, I feel like I'll throw up. When someone smiles to me I feel like crying and running away.

I didn't forget at all and things aren't alright. I lied to you. I'm so sorry, Hikaru. It's all my fault we still aren't happy. It's all my fault. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to endure this pain, but it doesn't work.

But you never get mad anymore. Every time, you just sit next to me, knowing holding me will only make me more upset, and you whisper about how everything will be alright again. You sound like me. You sound like you stole my words, because I don't believe them anymore. Time goes by, but I'm still not fully healed.

Scars faded, yes, wounds healed. I can walk again and after a week I was out of the hospital again. But sometimes, when there is too much noise or with the smallest amount of stress, my head starts pounding again and my stomach feels like it's being ripped apart. Sometimes, blood drips down my legs again and walking is difficult again. I can't sleep at night, I just pretend too.

You love me, but I'm not happy. Not completely. Yes, I'm beyond words happy that you love me, but I thought the pain would end. It was what I always told myself, what I kept on believing. If you loved me, everything would stop. The pain would be gone. The pain would end and I would just be normal again. I would be like I was before. I would be without pain.

But every day, I'm still enduring pain. I have headaches almost every two days, can't sleep, and suffer from terrible nightmares when I finally do sleep. That isn't alright. I'm sure I pictured our fairytale different. I'm sure it would've been **completely **without pain.

Sometimes I start to doubt myself. Is this really going to be alright again? Mom doesn't talk to you anymore, and she looks at me with such a pity I can't help but to feel disgust. Dad doesn't talk to either of us anymore. I don't think they hate us. They just don't understand. They just don't understand that we really love each other and that all the things other then that just **don't **matter.

That's okay, however… We don't need mom and dad. We don't need anyone. We purely exist for each other; that's who we are. We never needed someone else and there is no reason to start with it now. We'll solve this alone. We'll make this alright with just the two of us.

I know we're just running and not healing anything. I know we're just waiting for another crash. I know this is not what we wanted. I can't help it. I whish I was stronger. I wish I could really feel the way I say I do. I wish I wasn't like this. I don't know why I'm still so afraid, so weak, so desperate, so deathly afraid of being left behind.

This isn't how things were supposed to be. I'm destroying my own fairytale again. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I still crying almost every night, even if you hold me and gently stroke my hair? Why does that only make the crying worse? Why do I silently whish that you would start hurting me again, just so I wouldn't feel like such a horrible person anymore? Why do I betray you like this, when you're smiling to me again, talking to me like you used to, helping me up every time my legs give in again?

By every quick movement you make I yelp out in pure despair and jump away. I can see the hurt look in your eyes, the tears begging to fall. I can see how desperate you try to still smile and I hear how terrible you voice shakes when you assure me everything is alright. And then the guilt comes. The terrible guilt that I hurt you. I run back to you, because I've never known anything else to run to. I start apologizing, crying because I hurt you **again.** And you just smile, embrace me and tell me everything is alright. You tell me once again I'm only acting normal, that it will fade after some time.

I let you down every time again. I kill you more every time I look so scared. I hurt you more every time I try to hide my fear, because you know I'm scared nevertheless. I'm so sorry I can't let this behind me. I'm really trying. I'm just a horrible, stupid, disgusting person. Some people never change. I'm one of those, so it seems. I was a horrible person when I was born, so horrible that I fell in love with you, and I'm still a horrible person.

I'm so sorry, Hikaru. I'm so sorry for being like this. I'm so sorry for everything. Maybe there isn't **any **kind of fairytale meant for us. Maybe it's just because I'm so stupid we can't have a happy ending. Maybe we were better of without each other. God, I hate myself for thinking such things, but I can't stop this. I can't stop the pain.

I shouldn't count on you so much. I shouldn't just count on you to heal me. I'm such a bad person for giving you all the responsibility. Sometimes I just wish you would hate me. But you don't, you just keep repeating you love me. You never hurt me once since the time that passed once. You didn't yell at me once. You never even frowned.

I know I'm hurting you, but you never say anything about this. Why, oh why, can't I just be like you? Why can't I be such a wonderful person too? I'm trying like no one else in this world ever tried, but it doesn't work.

I'm nothing like you at all. I don't deserve a happy ending. I don't deserve you.

My legs must've given out again. The pain in my head must've reached a point beyond being able to withstand again. The speed my heart was racing must've been so painful that I just whished it stopped beating again.

Whatever the case might be, I can hear myself crying out in pain and I fall towards the ground. You sprint to me and catch me before I fell. Your strong arms hold me in a tight embrace. The world turns, but I can only see your face. You look concerned and your lips slowly part to softly ask me: "Kaoru? Kaoru are you okay?"

I don't know why I broke that moment. I don't know why it hurt me so much. Maybe it was your kindness, maybe it was the way I didn't **deserve **your love. I don't know why, but I snap. I can't take this any longer. I can't live with this terrible pain anymore.

I push you away, but you hold me tight, not letting go. I don't want you to touch me; I don't want you to be so sweet. I don't want you to be so perfect, when I'm not!

"Let me go!" I shout, while the world turns faster and the pain increases.

"Kaoru" you say softly, gently, soothing, "maybe it's better if you lay down for a while?"

"THAT ISN'T GOING TO HELP, IDIOT!" I scream and jump away from you.

My knees fail me and I collapse on the floor. Tears stream down my face in an incredible speed. I tremble and shake. I wrap my arms around my own body as if to try to stop the shivering.

"It's not gonna stop, Hikaru" I hear myself whisper. "It never stops."

Why can't I be cured? Why can't I be saved? Why can't I just leave this behind me and live on? Why do I have to destroy our lives like this? Why doesn't the pain just end? Why doesn't this stop?!

You softly embrace me, your arms holding my shivering body. My tears only become bigger and the screaming, that desperate yelling only becomes louder. You're not healing anything. I know you're trying, but maybe it was too late back then. Maybe I should just die. Maybe that's really the only way to stop this pain.

"Don't worry" you try to sooth me, but I barely hear your words over my heartbreaking crying.

"Everything will be alright" you whisper in my ear.

No. That's a lie. I can't believe it any longer. I just can't. It doesn't make sense anymore. Months passed, the wounds healed, but I still feel this awful pain. How long do I have to wait? How much longer do I have to withstand this mindless pain? How much longer do I have to chase this hopeless dream? Is this really worth all the pain? I don't believe in that any longer.

"No, it's not going to be alright!" I cry, clenching my hands around your clothes. "It still hurts… It hurts, Hikaru…"

"I know" you bit your lip and I can feel your muscles tighten.

You pull me a little closer. Your stroking of my hair becomes a little faster, almost desperate, almost like it's the only thing you can still do. The silence is broken by every cry that leaves my mouth.

Why can't I just love you back?

"Just hold on a little longer… Just fight a little longer for me, okay?" it's like you're talking to a little child.

"Why am I such a horrible person?" I cry, hiding my head in your chest, my voice full of despair.

Why can't I just move on? It's alright now. I always said, I always believed that if you'd say you love, everything would be alright again. These were my words. That was my hope for all those years, for all those hopeless days, for all those minutes I lived in that killing pain. And now, when you finally said you would never leave me—that you'd stay by my side forever, that nothing would change your love for me… all I can do is think about what happened.

"Don't say that!" you pull me even closer and I can feel how you tremble too.

The air is filled with our silent despair. Maybe, deep inside, we both know this will take years and years. Maybe it will never be alright again. Why can't I just be like you? You're such a strong person. You're such a perfect picture of love. You're everything I want, everything I need.

Why am I letting you down like this?

"But… Hikaru… I…"

Your hand catches mine, fingers entwining almost immediately. I feel your body tremble too. I'm hurting you by being so weak. I know. I'm so sorry. I really am. Your press a desperate kiss on my forehead.

"It's okay" you whisper. "I… I can't expect you to forgive me just like this, right? But really, if you love me… then one day… One day everything will…"

Hearts beat in the same rhythm of ice cold desperation, because slowly, quietly we start to understand that love isn't like we thought. Even if there isn't a love on this whole world that can compare to ours, it won't be enough. Love cannot save us anymore.

"I love you!" I yell anyway, suppressing that painful feeling.

"Then one day, for sure, everything will be alright" the desperate stroking stopped and is replaced by a hand that slowly lifts up my head, fingers just underneath my chin.

I don't know why I am like this. I have you back. You're here, with me. Our hearts beat in the same rhythm again. We cry the same tears again, dream the same dreams again. Once again, our future is interlaced with the other. I swore that if a day like this, where you hold me in your arms again, and you try not to cry because you'll know I'll only cry more when you do, I swore that if a day like this would come, I'd be happy again.

But instead the pain only gets worse. It never ends.

* * *

* * *

Days become weeks. Weeks slowly fade into months. Time passes by ever so slowly. Mom finally talks to us again. We saw shrink after shrink after shrink and we still don't have come past anyone who understands us. I have to go to the doctor regularly, to make sure there isn't any complication. I won't grow anymore. I suffer migraine, too. And inside… well… inside everything is in rags, in pieces. I've cried about that once and you held me back then, the whole night long, while I just cried and cried. It hurts so much. I'm absent on school a lot. We just told them I'm just a person who gets ill easily. And the migraine…

No one can search a meaning behind having migraine. No one can search a meaning behind the fact I'm just weak and I have to stay in bed almost every two weeks. No one can blame me for that.

And every time when the headaches take over again and I lay in bed, lifelessly, not even able to cry from the pain anymore, you sit there next to me. Sometimes you read a book, like reading to a little child. I love to listen to your voice. I love to listen at the hidden love in your soft voice. I love you.

When I can barely talk because I don't have the power anymore, you hold my hand, knowing what I'm saying even if my lips don't part and I don't make a sound. When every sound made in the room is too much for my head and I'm drowning in my pain, you gently caress my forehead, run your fingers through my hair.

How could I possibly hate a person like that? Why can't I forgive someone who dedicates his whole life to me? Why can't I return that love?

I'm slowly going insane. I'm slowly dying. Every day, I hate myself more and more. It's reaching a point that isn't normal anymore. Why can't I just move on? The pain is slowly fading and the periods between the killing headaches or stomachaches become longer. Everything is healing.

Everything except my heart.

We picked up the pieces and it was supposed to be alright, to just heal. But it's not happening. God, why am I so difficult? Why can't I just accept that you love me and I don't have to be scared anymore? Why is this so awfully painful for me? It wasn't supposed to go this way. I made up my own fairytale and now I'm destroying it. I'm so completely foolish. So completely insane.

And less and less I'm wondering about how it comes you hated me so much. It's almost impossible not to.

It's dark in the room. The curtains are closed. The lights are off. Everything in dark. I don't move, even when I feel the tears burning again. I just tell myself not to cry. I don't want to cry, because nothing's wrong. Everything is alright.

I feel your arms wrapping around me a little closer. I think you're sleeping. Your breath is peaceful, calm. I feel warm laying there, pressed against your chest. Softly, not knowing what I'm trying to do I whisper your name.

"Hikaru."

There is no answer. Only a body pressing closer to me, only the embrace that tightens. I can hear your breath in my ear; feel your chest going up and down.

I love you. I really do. I love the way you sleep. I love the way you're so strong. I love your determination, your pure devotion. I love the way you talk, the words you say. I love the way you are.

I love you and I'm over this. I can love you back. I can be happy again. I want to be like we used to.

"Kaoru?"

I've done this before, I know. It didn't happen to well back then. But I can't help it. I can't help that I'm a fool. I turn around and press my lips on yours.

I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to be in this pain anymore. I want to love you, just like I'm always saying I am. I want to be with you, for ever and ever. I want to be able to kiss you without feeling so terrible ripped apart inside.

I have to get over this.

You slowly push me away.

"W-What are you doing…?" you slowly whisper.

"It's okay" I lie and I know you won't believe me. "I'm over this… I can… I can love you back…"

"Kaoru…" you pull me closer; run your fingers through my hair. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying, Hikaru!" I'll believe myself for this once. Please believe me too.

"I don't mind" you smile; I just know your smiling at me is a stubborn attempt to stop this pain.

"But I do…" I answer. "Why… Why can't I just love you back?"

Silence.

Then a hurt voice, trying to hide it.

"You don't love me?"

"That's…" I jerk up, looking down on you, even when I barely see you in the dark. "That's not what I meant!"

Tears fall and I feel my body tremble. Please don't say that ever again. Please don't do that ever again. I love you more then anything. I love you so much your love has become my suicide. I love you so much it has become the only reason for living.

Please, please, you have to understand that.

"Kaoru!" you get up as well, "please don't-"

"Kiss me" I look away and for the first time I'm happy it's dark.

The dark will conceal my tears and my blushes. It will conceal the pain in my eyes, hide the scars. In the dark, I'm still like you.

"Kaoru… I don't…" soft, nothing more then a whisper. "I don't want to hurt you anymore…"

"You won't…" I smile.

No. It's not you who's hurting anyone here. It's only my awful weakness, my faults, my flaws that makes this so hard. But tonight, I swear, I'll make everything alright. I won't think about what happened anymore. I'll make everything alright. Tonight, our fairytale will finally start.

We've waited long enough. We've endured enough pain. We deserve this, right?

I smile to you, knowing you will feel it even when you can't see. I feel how your fingers run down my face, slowly lift up my chin. Your other hand caresses my lips, almost as to make sure I'm not secretly trying to hide how painful this is.

It won't be painful any longer. People who are in love are supposed to do things like this. They're supposed to kiss, to feel good while they do. I just want to be like that too. I want to love too. I don't want to be so weak and different anymore.

I want my fairytale. I want my love. I want you.

You slowly press you lips against mine, in the most careful, insecure kiss, almost like you want me to pull back and scream that I don't want this.

But I want this. I want to feel what you're supposed to feel when you kiss the one you love. Because really, Hikaru, I love you.

I wrap my arms around your neck and pull you closer, deepening our kiss.

I think something snapped in you, because suddenly, so fast that I can barely follow I'm laying underneath you, your hand on my back other on the back of my head and your lips pressed against mine. I can feel your heart race, I can feel something… burning… begging to be released.

It still hurts a little and I still feel a little disgust, but somehow… somewhere deep down inside I feel loved as well. I don't think this is as bad as I used to think it was. I still don't get what's so special about it, but… but I think I can get used to this.

I think I can get to like this. I think, that after some time, I'll love it.

I slowly open my mouth, not sure why, a little afraid to take this further then I can handle. But I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I just want to love you back. I want to kiss you because I love you.

I pull you even closer and your tongue slips into my mouth. For a moment I stiffen, but you slowly caress my cheek, your hand sliding down to my shoulder and somehow I relax again.

In the back of my mind an awful movie starts to play again. In the back of my mind I can hear a boy screaming, begging to stop. I can see the tears in his eyes, I can feel his pain. But that has nothing to do with me anymore. This is different. This is not like before. This is… love…

You slowly back down, panting, your breath warming my ear. I shiver when your breath flows over my cold skin. I hug you tight; hide my face in your neck. I'm panting as well, trembling too somehow.

"Kaoru…" you say after some time.

"Hm?" I answer.

"I love you" you whisper and your hand slides over my body.

My eyes widen when I feel something inside reacting. The movie stops, the pain stops, the screaming stops. I gasp for air, grip you tighter, pull you closer, closer. I close my eyes, feel how the tear burn.

This is the best kind of fairytale I could have. This is the best kind of love I can have.

"Kaoru?" you ask again.

"I love you too, Hikaru" I whisper "I love you more then anything."

I can feel how your smile widens; I can feel the happiness practically overflowing. You lay down beside me, hugging me tight. I press a soft kiss on your chest. You lay you chin on the top of my head. The sound of your heartbeat against my ear sounds like the most beautiful thing I ever heard.

Because it's beating for me. Just like mine is beating for you.

"Goodnight, Kaoru" you whisper, knowing that more then a quite innocent kiss I couldn't handle.

You take my hand, your other arm holding me close to your body. Automatically, perfectly tuned into each other, our fingers entwine. It's the most simple thing, yet so beautiful. You press me even closer, nuzzling your nose against my hair.

"Goodnight, Hikaru" I whisper back.

I close my eyes. Your arms around me hold me close to you, so I'm almost pinned against your stomach. The warmth of your body melts something deep down. My heart is healing, I know. This is what love feels like. For the first time since so long, now we lay here, fingers entwined, legs entwined, so close to each other it feels like I could disappear in you every moment, I don't feel any pain anymore.

The pain stopped and the fairytale has begun.

The movie in my head has stopped playing, tired of being repeated. The screams in my head are fading. My wounded heart is healing because of your love. As long as you love me, everything will be fine. This will take time, months, maybe years, maybe so long we'll lose track of it, but one day for sure this will be alright. The pain will slowly fade and I won't be so scared anymore. I'll heal, a little by little. You'll heal me with your love.

I sigh and feel tears of happiness burn, but they don't fall when you press a loving kiss on top of my head. This is nothing to cry about. I close my eyes again, lay my head back down and smile softly, my forehead pressed against your chest.

And for the first time since what seems like forever, I believe my own words. Yes, everything will be alright from now on.

Because after all, we are still together.

* * *

* * *

Yaaaaaaaaay! The eeeeeend!!! I finished my story! I'm so happy now! I hope you are too!

Well, I don't think this is a regular happy ending, but I don't think it was too sad. I think it's the only kind of happy ending a story like this can have XD And no, I didn't really kill him in the previous chapter! Hahah, I'm happy it looked like that though, because that was the purpose XD Oh yeah, the things between -- and bold were the words Hikaru screamed and Kaoru could hear in his coma-like thing XD And the things in italic were just what he was feeling, but since it was something like a dream, I put it in italic. And the things in italic and bold were memories, from Kaoru this time.

**If you liked this story, please wait a little longer because I'm writing another HikaruxKaoru story! Wich will be called 'One Last Love Story'. **

I'd really love it if you read that one too! Yay! XD

I hope you enjoyed my story. Please, pleaaaaaaaase review. I really love reviews. Oh... And I was thinking about putting a new summary for this story... XD

I'm really gratefull to all the people that already reviewed and everyone who will XD I love you for ever XD

So, thanks to: -and I'm sorry if I write your name wrong XD-

**Hoenn, **the best BETA in the world! Thank you for all your work you put in my story and the ideas you gave me. -gives you cookies and chocolat and Usa-chan XD- And also thank you for your reviews! They reaaaaaaalllyyyyyyyyyyyy made me happy!

**Surrealistic Strawberry**, for reviewing! Thank you! I'm really glad you liked my story!

**Arykee-Chan**, for reviewing! Your reviews really made me happy! -smile-

**Alusy**, thank you for reading this story and my other HikaKao story! Thank you for reviewing both! You're really sweet and I love your reviews!

**DazziO's**, also a thank you for reviewing! That's really sweet! -and I'm sorry for making you cry-

**Concise Complexity**, love you for reviewing! I hope this was the happy ending you were waiting for? XD

**Pinkberry Soda**, I'm happy you enjoyed my story. And I'm happy to have you on my MSN-list now XD You're really cool! (h) Thank you for the reviews!

**IceSeraph**, I hope I made you happy by putting a little amount of hope in one of my chapters. Even though it wasn't much XD Thank you for reviewing!

**Living in a fantasy, **Awh -smile- You're really sweet! Thank you for all your reviews! .. And I'm sorry for making you feel what Kaoru felt, because I don't think it was all too nice XD But well, that's a writer purpose, right? XD

**Jyrotika, **happy ending enough for you? XD I tried my best, I swear! But if it was too happy, it would ruin my story I think XD Thank you for reviewing!

**Revamp94**, heheh, I'm sorry for doing that to you, but I'm happy you enjoyed my story! Thank you! ... Don't stab me okay? XD I LET HIM LIVE XD

**Ketsueki-Yue, **Aaawh! My own book? That's so sweet! XD But I don't think that will work XD Since the characters aren't even mine XD

**Viktoria, **I'm sorry for breaking your heart XD -with my story, people, don't think weird things now- But I'm happy it could touch you! Yay! Thank you for reviewing!

And of course all the people that reviewed anonymous!

- Jazy!


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